DSL's Movie/TV Reviews and Discussion

[AlabamAlum]

DSL:

You need to do the worst movie in the history of cinema that the masses thought was a good film. A film with so many logical issues that it is impossible for any non-hypnotized person to enjoy because you absolutely cannot suspend disbelief to enjoy the film.

That film is, of course, Signs.

I will even make it easy for you. Here are just a few of the logical issues with the movie. This is a decent start, though:


Backstory Part 1: An advanced race of aliens capable of interstellar travel arrive at Earth with some unspoken nefarious motive.

This advanced alien race does the following:

1. The aliens communicate with each other two ways that we know of: (1) By making crop circles and (2) By radio that can be picked up on a Wal-Mart baby monitor.
2. Water burns them like acid so they traipse through irrigated cornfields and run around in the moisture-rich terrain and atmosphere of Earth butt-naked.
3. The advanced alien race is befuddled by locked doors of wooden homes and kitchen pantries.
4. The weapon of choice of the naked aliens who are burned by water: a tiny poof of slightly noxious gas farted from their wrists. A poison so weak that a small child survives an attack because of his ineffective lung function secondary to his asthma.

Backstory part 2:

1. Mel Gibson plays an apostate preacher-farmer. It is suggested that God decides to start the domino-reaction of this narration to give Gibson his faith back by killing his wife in a car accident (killed by a sleepy veterinarian played by M.Night himself) where she says to Mel for him to tell their baseball-playing son (played by Joaquin Phoenix) to “swing away”.
2. As a ridiculous deus ex machina, Mel’s daughter places full glasses of water throughout the house (supposedly influenced by God to kill the naked aliens with burns when Joaquin “swings away”).
3. When the alien is in Mel’s cornfield, the family’s German Shepherd attacks the family’s little girl forcing Mel to kill the dog with a butcher knife. The town vet (as mentioned above, played by M.Night), offers his expert opinion that when German Shepherds sense a predator, they just lose their minds and attack their own families.

Again. Not all-inclusive, but a good start.

[Hannibal]

Signs came out before everyone had arrived at the inevitable conclusion that M Night was a one hit wonder who otherwise couldn't write or direct worth a shit. If it came out today, it would get the reaction that it deserved back in 2002. IMHO it takes about ten years for moves to be separated enough from both the hype and the fandom of the day for them to be adequately evaluated.

[Hannibal]

[AlabamAlum]

Signs came out before everyone had arrived at the inevitable conclusion that M Night was a one hit wonder who otherwise couldn't write or direct worth a shit. If it came out today, it would get the reaction that it deserved back in 2002. IMHO it takes about ten years for moves to be separated enough from both the hype and the fandom of the day for them to be adequately evaluated.

I was pissed. Was in Pittsburgh in August for a conference. Wasn’t in the mood for the bars on a muggy Tuesday night. There was a theater close to the restaurant I dined at. Rolled my eyes through the whole film. Was walking out, pissed, and assumed everyone else would be, too - then I noted the number of people who were weeping at the overwrought “got my faith back/let’s have a family dinner” scene at the end. JFC. 78% on RottenTomatoes. I have friends who loved it and think my hatred of it is a schtick. Sooo many people think it was good. And don’t get me wrong. The cinematography was great, the actors and locations and sets were great, but the structure flaws were just too gaping. The whole movie was ruined by them.

[iam416]

Has DSL review the all-time god-awful premise in The Human Centipede and its sequels.

[Tom W]

Avatar sucked too..

And of course, Elaine Benes was spot on in calling out The English Patient.

[AlabamAlum]

And regardless of what you think of the sit-com “Big Bang” - Amy’s character points out a glaring story flaw with “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

[Dr. Strangelove]

Has DSL review the all-time god-awful premise in The Human Centipede and its sequels.

There will be no torture porn reviewed here. Or body horror porn. Whatever sicko genre that shitfest happens to fall into.

[AlabamAlum]

Thank god. The only torture porn I’ve seen recently was the CFP championship game a few months ago. Still scarred.

[THE_WIZARD_]

shaddup

[froot loops]

And regardless of what you think of the sit-com “Big Bang” - Amy’s character points out a glaring story flaw with “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

Shaggy Dog stories are some of the best movies.

[AlabamAlum]

I don’t think that most would have realized that Raiders was a Shaggy Dog Story. I certainly never thought of it that way.

[iam416]

I don't think it is. I mean, the ending doesn't fall flat. The penultimate scene is fantastic -- well, except for early 80s special effects. And the story is certainly worth watching with a strong pay-off regardless of whether Indiana Jones is technically necessary based on some alternative universe where the same outcome happens.

It's certainly not a tale from an old man including painfully multitudinous details to turn a 30 second story into a 10 minute disaster.

[Dr. Strangelove]

If the Nazis were committed to digging up the entire Egyptian desert then yeah, they still would've found the Ark and all died whether or not Indiana Jones exists. But it's kind of a plot point that the Nazis were digging in the wrong place. Because they didn't have the medallion that Indy prevented them from getting.

[iam416]

Well, w/o Indiana Jones they get the actual medallion. But, regardless, Indiana Jones adds considerably to the plot, the scenes w/ Indiana Jones are generally good, the story is really good and the ending pays off. That's not a shaggy dog story to nowhere.