DSL's Movie/TV Reviews and Discussion

[Dr. Strangelove]

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THE ICE PIRATES (1984)
d. Stewart Raffil
Starring: Robert Urich, Mary Crosby, Michael Roberts, Angelica Huston, Ron Perlman, Bruce Vilanch, John Matuszak

I don't even know how to talk about this movie.It's a scifi space adventure comedy, one I do not recall ever seeing growing up. In the future, the most valuable commodity is water. Robert Urich leads a group of space pirates who robs ships owned by the Templars, a quasi-religious organization that controls the galaxy's supply. Wacky adventures ensue.

Is it funny? Hmmmm, no, not often. The tone of the humor is also all over the place. Much of the action scenes are dominated by stupid, bumbling robots who serve as proxies for the humans. Any time they're on camera, expect bad slapstick. That stuff is clearly aimed at kids but then you also have a lot of sex jokes. There's a nasty bug-creature running around on the ship; it's a "space herpe". The Templars castrate criminals and we get a good look at that wacky process. At one point there's even a robot pimp that comes up to a couple of our heros and asks "wanna see some titties?". And it's this cute toy-looking robot too. It comes out of nowhere at such a random time that it was one my few genuine laughs just for the WTF nature of it. That quick scene is below if you want to see it.

The climax of the movie has the crew stuck in a time warp and fighting their Templar enemies while rapidly aging. Probably the best scene of the movie and inventive, though still goofy as fuck.

Final note is on the cast. Such a strange mix of people. The three most prominent characters are all played by people more well known for tv work. Robert Urich obviously was on a bunch of tv shows, Mary Crosby shot J.R. (spoilers), and Michael Roberts played "Rooster" on Baretta. But after that there's a bunch of cast members much more famous for other things. I mean, Angelica Huston?? Ron Perlman's been in a shitton of crap since; this appears to be only his second movie. John Matuszak pre-Sloth?? And fucking Bruce Vilanch?? I didn't list him above but John Carradine is briefly in this too, one of his 1,000+ film credits. So there's probably enough of a curiosity factor and a few real laughs to make this worth watching. And if you think bumbling, stupid robots battling each other and losing their heads sounds like a good time, maybe you'll enjoy it more than I did.

[AlabamAlum]

Chess scene from “The Thing”.

https://youtu.be/Iv_XaPp-XIY

[AlabamAlum]

And for what it’s worth, there are a ton of continuity problems from the first scene to the last, but whatever. The actual chess program was a real one for Apple called Sargon II.

[iam416]

I used to play Sargon (the orginal, I believe).

[Hannibal]

Chess scene from “The Thing”.

https://youtu.be/Iv_XaPp-XIY

Fun fact -- the original script ended with Childs and MacReady playing a game of chess and the chess game is an allegory for the battle of wits against The Thing. Ergo, Childs is a Thing at the end.


Also -- he is wearing a difference coat at the end of the movie, and by accepting a drink of whiskey from MacReady he shows that he is not afraid of becoming a Thing (even though he can't account for MacReady's whereabouts for the previous 20 minutes).

[Dr. Strangelove]

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INVASION USA (1985)
d. Joseph Zito
Starring: Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch, Melissa Prophet, Alexander Zale, Billy Drago

The time has come. America is soft. Weak. Internationally-renowned terrorist Mikhail Rostov (Lynch) organizes an invasion force of over a thousand terrorists, mercenaries, and commandos to land on the Florida coast and turn Americans against each other through acts of terrorism. They dress as cops and massacre a crowd outside a Latino club in Miami. They plant bombs in shopping malls. They drive into a suburban neighborhood and literally begin blowing up ranch homes with a bazooka. There's just one problem: they didn't kill Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris) when they had the chance. And they made Matt Hunter angry.

The entire premise of this movie is ludicrous as the terrorists arrive in D-Day landing craft and spill out onto the beaches of Florida. But man, this is packed with action. There's a few moments where it is very violent and gruesome (mainly near the beginning) but for a film where so many people die and so many bullets are fired, it's surprisingly bloodless. Boy oh boy will you get your blood lust raised by these terrorists. Not only do they only attacks civilian, they attempt to blow up a school bus and also a church on Christmas Eve, along with blowing up a bunch of families decorating their trees and sipping eggnog.

Did I mention this was a CHRISTMAS movie??

In the last 60 minutes every time the terrorists try to murder a bunch of people, Chuck's Spidey-sense activates and he's suddenly there and kills em all. Don't ask why, or how, he just is. This drives the leader Rostov absolutely bonkers. Lynch (an ugly motherfucker who always played villains) has a history with Hunter as it turns out and he's both obsessed with and terrified of him. Chuck Norris is honestly the weakest link here. He just has no charisma or emotions throughout. You see that stern grimace on the poster? Get used to that expression. There's one or two attempts at a wisecrack but boy, were they forcing things. I guess I should mention that there's also an annoying female reporter tagging along for a lot of this but she adds absolutely nothing to the movie. She may have been added as an afterthought because there would have been virtually no women at all in this thing without her.

Some crazy behind-the-scenes stuff...most of this was shot either in Atlanta or in South Florida. The mall Chuck Norris drive his truck through and absolutely trashes was a real mall in the process of renovating the entire building and let the production crew do whatever they wanted to the inside. The suburban neighborhood that Rostov and his men blow up with a bazooka was a real neighborhood near the Atlanta airport. They were going to tear down all those houses anyways to extend runways so the crew got permission to literally blow the buildings up themselves.

All in all it's a lot of dumb, dumb implausible fun. Just don't expect out of Chuck the kind of 80's action movie performance you'd get from Stallone, Arnold, Mel Gibson, or Bruce Willis.

[WingsFan]

I'll always remember winning my first Chess Tournament. It was at the Boys Club in Redford Michigan (I think it's still there?) Not sure how old I was, 11 or 12.


Remember this set, think I had it till my ex wife threw it away one day lol








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[iam416]

You really need to play AA. He swears by the Scotch but will occasionally open with a3 for the fuck of it and all the while berate the dandelions for their complicity in the universal plot to make him the fool. Quite the chess talent.

[AlabamAlum]

You need to play WF. It would be nice for you to get a win.

[iam416]

I’m dominating my hapless Canadian uncle!

[WingsFan]

The first question we need to clarify is why exactly it is good to control an open file?

[Dr. Strangelove]

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NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE (1986)
d. Gil Bettman
Starring: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons, George Lazenby, Peter Kwong, Robert Englund

John Stamos plays "Lance Stargrove", the gymnast son of an super secret agent that is killed by the evil hermaphrodite terrorist Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons). Can he step into his father's shoes and stop Ragnar from poisoning the city's water supply?

This movie is just fucking weird.

Might as well lead off with it but yeah. Gene Simmons, THAT Gene Simmons, plays a lingerie-wearing, hermaphrodite, drag queen terrorist. And he is camping it up like crazy. Psychotic laughing. Eyes rolling back in his head. The tongue. Ugh. I'm not sure how many of his scenes were scripted. It was just "act nuts, Gene". He does a burlesque show number at one point that's just fucking awful. They even gave him a false prosthetic set of boobs that we're "treated" to a peek at and- ok let's move on.

Stamos is boring and mopey for the majority of the movie. Honestly, his character is a null value. Adds literally nothing to the film. That's bad for a lead. Like father like son, cuz Stargrove's dad (played by Bond-alum Lazenby) is dull and lifeless as well. I confess that I am a Vanity fan and she's pretty hot in this flick. She's briefly topless in one scene so if that's what you're here for, you may leave happy. There's a 'wacky Asian sidekick" character that was all the rage in the mid-80's that's fairly embarrassing. And finally Robert Englund had two Elm Street movies under his belt when he did this movie and I have no clue why he accepted this role. He does almost nothing but lurk around in scenes as one of Raganr's favorite lackeys.

Something else to mention is that Ragnar's entire gang is something out of a Mad Max movie. Which is weird because noting else is this universe seems post-apocalyptic. In fact, everything is perfectly normal 80's America except for this Mad Max gang who lives in a park amphitheater and wants to blow up a dam. The movie, for all its camp and quirks, is also reasonably violent. Stargrove gets the shit kicked out of him at one point. When people are shot, they didn't skimp on squibs like they did in Invasion USA. And Ragnar likes stabbing people in the jugular with a metal fingernail.

Finally, both the title credits and the end credits have kind of amazing cheesy songs.

Would I recommend watching this though?...mmmm...only a very mild recommendation. Mainly for the fucking trainwreck that is Gene Simmons' performance. But if this had had a villain playing it very serious this would have been a very, very forgettable action movie. And maybe they knew that and let Simmons do whatever he felt like. It's free on Amazon Prime.

[Jeff Buchanan]

Good review ...... I think I'll pass. Hitchock films? Sure.

[Hannibal]

52 Pick-up is Vanity's best movie.

Fight me.

[Dr. Strangelove]

I have never seen that movie but have actually heard good things. It's on Prime so I may have interrupt my plan and check it out. There was a like a 3-year window where Vanity got a bunch of work then vanished. I know she became a born-again Christian at some point but that was well after her career as both actor & singer was effectively over.