Tweet
Yeah, I heard the plan was to make the full trilogy.
-
"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that it is sometimes hard to verify their authenticity." -Abraham Lincoln -
So I'm incredibly ashamed to admit I have now watched most of this "trilogy" and am really not looking forward to the conclusion but...I have made it two-thirds of the way through the Happy Hooker series.
The Happy Hooker (1975)
The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington (1977)
The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980)
So the main reason I decided to watch this utter trash was because I was interested in watching early Cannon movies and Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood was the very first movie released after Golan-Globus bought the studio in 1979 for just $500,000. That being the third in a series I decided well shoot, might as well try to watch the earlier ones made when the company was still a very small American independent film studio.
That took me to The Happy Hooker (1975). This movie and the others are (loosely) based on the life of one Xaviera Hollander, a Dutch secretary who moved to New York and decided there was more money to be made as a high priced prostitute. Somewhere in the early 70's she wrote a memoir that became the basis for this movie. One of you fossils that was around for the 70's can possibly confirm if this person was actually well known. I have never heard of her. The latter two movies treat her as if she was a goddamn international celebrity. The second film calls her a "folk hero".
The second movie is much more along the lines of what I was expecting from these movies but this first one is more serious. There's plenty of "comedy" but our featured hooker is never very happy. Lynn Redgrave plays Xaviera and there's not a whole lot of other characters that are around for long. It's mostly a collection of scenes of actors embarrassing themselves. The amount of nudity and sexual content in this one is also nothing compared to the second movie, which surprised me. The lack of sexy material apparently made it a bit more mainstream and made it a small hit. I mean, it must have made money to make 2 sequels, right?
But the movie itself is mainly boring. Men are shitty horndogs. There ya go. I spoiled it. She goes from rags to riches forming her own brothel. The end.
What's truly surprising about these movies is how many recognizable character actors are in them even in small parts. Guys you might associate with family-friendly tv shows even. Like this movie features an excruciatingly long scene in which Xaviera tries to turn on Tom Poston (of TV's Newhart) and can't do it until she just starts reading stock market news. If you ever wanted a scene where Tom Poston gets aroused, YOU ARE WELCOME, AMERICA. George Dzunda, one of the detectives on the very first season of Law & Order, plays one of his underlings. The always-creepy Richard Lynch, who would go on to make many, many B-flick appearance usually as a villain, gets one of his earliest roles here as a creepy policeman. Vincent Schiavelli, one of the great chracter actors of the 80's and 90's, shows up for a bit in one of his earliest roles.
As bad as this movie was, it didn't begin to prepare me for the second one...Comment
-
The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington (1977)
d. William Levey
Starring: Joey Heatherton, George Hamilton, David White, Ray Walston, Phil Foster, Billy Barty
World-famous hooker Xaviera Hollander has become extremely successful and is forced to testify before Congress and answer for her crimes against decency and morality.
This movie's fucking terrible. One of the worst movies I've ever seen and probably the worst movie I've posted about here.
There's barely a plot. Joey Heatherton reads one Penthouse letter after another to Congress (much of the movie is told via flashbacks). She then gets recruited by the CIA to seduce a Middle Eastern sheik, but then teams up with the sheik to blackmail the members of Congress persecuting her. Cuz they're all secretly perverts. All's well that ends well.
But first and foremost this movie is a "comedy". Let me explain how the typical joke goes: woman exposes breasts; man goes bug-eyed and does double-take. Repeat 50 times.
And that's something to note too. There's way more nudity, or at least seems to be, than in the original film. Nothing that makes this graphic or crossover into porn but there's just a general relentless toplessness throughout.
I continue to be amazed at how many veteran, character actors (especially from tv) got dragged into small roles in this series. Here's a few from this one:
* Ray Walston as one of the pervy Senators. My Favorite Martin and Mr. Hand
* Phil Foster who played Laverne's dad on Laverne & Shirley. God is he embarrassing here.
* David White, yet another Senator, who was Darrin's boss on Bewitched.
* Billy Barty. He plays the head of the CIA
* Larry Storch. Fucking Agarn from F Troop
* Sydney Lassick. Plays a tv censor testifying about how awful most programming is now (late 70's). The whole time he's talking I'm like, where do I know this guy from? Finally looked him up and was like oh YEAH, one of the inmates from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
* Rip Taylor. Only in one scene but it's insufferable.
* Harold Sakata. Bond's Oddjob. Also only in one brief scene. Must have needed rent money
* Joe E. Ross. The shorter cop from Car 54 Where are You?. He has like two lines and sets the stage for the rest of the movie by uttering a terrible joke.
I need to make a special call-out for the guy who played Sheik Whatshisnuts. One of the most embarrassing performances I've seen in any movie ever. Unless he worked under a pseudonym this was the only movie he ever starred in. And It's a fairly decent-sized role compared with some of the guys I just listed. But fuck, man. Fuck that guy. Just awful. It seems like he's trying to do a Jerry Lewis thing...it's...it's just not good. And he even has a 'comical' sex scene with Joey Heatherton. Dude must've been the studio owner's nephew or something.
Comment
-
For those of you who are too young to have seen this or missed it, this was an excellent mini-series back in its day and it has aged really well. An early "true crime" drama.
Karl Malden got top billing, but a young hitherto unknown actor by the name of Gary Cole steals the show with a fantastic performance as Green Beret Captain Jeffrey MacDonald. After seeing him in this, I wonder why he didn't end up being a bigger star. He obviously has a ton of range.
Yes, that Gary Cole.
screens_feature3-1.jpg
Comment
-
Comment
-
Despite the trolling of The Onion... I would pay top dollars to see Wallace Shawn, if not Christopher Lloyd, as the next James Bond. It might work if they go back to the Roger Moore style when everything was ridiculously over the top.
Excited to see "No Time To Die." I have a positive impression of the Daniel Craig Bond series. "Casino Royale" is my favorite Bond film. Big fan of the director Cary Joji Fukanaga. Planning on seeing it in theaters next month... first time in a movie theater since before COVID began.AAL 2023 - Alim McNeillComment
-
I'm going to try and go to it... my first time at a theater since covid alsoComment
-
I miss the theater experience ... Obviously have to see the new "Dune" in theaters too.
Forgot to mention. Excited to see Rami Malek as the Bond villain and Ana de Armas as the Bond girl. Both have been fantastic over the last 5 years in different roles.
High hopes for Daniel Craig's last Bond film!AAL 2023 - Alim McNeillComment
-
The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980)
d. Alan Roberts
Starring: Martine Beswick, Adam West, Chris Lemmon, Phil Silvers, Richard Deacon, Edie Adams, Dick Miller
When Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus bought struggling US film company Cannon Films in 1979, this was the "franchise" they chose to use for their very first film.
It's a colossal pile of shit. But also, maybe, just slightly better than Happy Hooker Goes to Washington.
The movie is extremely "meta" for something from 1980 as it pretends to represent the behind-the-scenes story of the making of the first film in the series back in 1975. Phil Silvers plays the depraved head of Warkoff Brothers studios and issues an edict that whoever can buy the movies rights to world-famous prostitute Xaviera Hollander's life story will inherit the studio as his successor. Warkoff's son-in-law (Richard Deacon) and playboy producer Lionel Lamely (Adam West) eventually lose out to Warkoff's grandson Robby (Chris Lemmon). So many "hilarious" sexy antics ensue.
Not to be mean to Martine Beswick (who had been in two Connery Bond movies) but she was near 40 when this flick was made, doesn't have a very good look, and has a very British set of teeth. She is a bit harder to believe as a woman "no man can resist" than Lynn Redgrave or Joey Heatherton at this point in her life. In interviews I've seen she's also claimed that she nearly quit the picture because extras on the film (specifically in the swimming pool scene) were having actual sex in the background.
Most of the male actors, again, make total fools or jackasses of themselves. Phil Silvers and Richard Deacon (from the Dick Van Dyke Show) were nearing the end of their lives (both would be dead in 5 years) but Adam West is maybe the surprising name here. He was still desperately trying to break out of his typecast role as the goody-goody Batman at this point.
Bottom line on this series is that it's a waste of time. Bad movies can be funny, but bad comedies, bad SEX comedies, are just painful to sit through.
Comment
-
Killer Crocodile (1989)
d. Fabrizio de Angelis
Starring: Richard Anthony Crenna, Julian Hampton, Thomas Moore, Sherrie Rose, Van Johnson
A group of "ecologists" (or college undergrads, it's never really clear) go out searching a swamp to find who's been dumping toxic waste there. Instead they find a giant, mutated murderous croc that goes on a rampage.
One of innumerable shitty Italian B movies that populated video stores in the 80's and 90's, the entire cast is overdubbed even though at least some are native english speakers. This includes the sad appearance of Van Johnson in one of his final roles, once a star at MGM back in the 40's and 50's.
The movie is clearly a ripoff of Jaws, from the opening scene to a character who's clearly supposed to resemble Quint, down to the croc's theme music. The problem is this is a 45 minute movie stretched to 90 minutes. There are endless scenes of boats slowly creeping through a swamp or approaching a dock or getting stuck in the swamp. But when the good moments come, they are pretty funny. The finale makes it all worth it. An amazing final 10 minutes.
Truly these are some of the dumbest film characters you will ever see and you'll be rooting for the crocodile for most of it. If you want a B-movie horror/thriller film you've maybe never seen before this October, it's available for free on YouTube in a pretty good looking version (much better than the trailer I'm including)
Comment
-
91O+6lmcbEL._AC_SY679_.jpg
SPACED INVADERS (1990)
d. Patrick Read Johnson
Starring: Ariana Richards, Douglas Barr, Royal Dano, Gregg Berger
This children's movie has some cute ideas, some decent practical effects in what's clearly a low-budget film, but other than than a few moments the humor won't appeal to anyone over 10.
I remember seeing this as a kid. It doesn't hold up. For some reason I recall being bombarded with commercials for it though. It was a Touchstone Pictures film so maybe commercials for it ran during any Disney show around that time.
The only noteworthy cast member, and I mean the only, is Ariana Richards pre-Jurassic Park
Comment
-
White to move and mate in 3."The problem with quotes on the Internet is that it is sometimes hard to verify their authenticity." -Abraham LincolnComment
-
What are those little horsey thingees?Shut the fuck up Donny!Comment
-
It’s what they make the frozen “wings” out of in Nebraska."The problem with quotes on the Internet is that it is sometimes hard to verify their authenticity." -Abraham LincolnComment
-
...llke Pegasus?Shut the fuck up Donny!Comment
Comment