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Hurricane Sandy: 7 Survival Tips
Yikes! Hurricane Sandy is about to murder all of my friends and here I am stuck in Alaska! As a hurricane expert, I feel out of place up here, like my hurricane knowledge is being wasted. I want to save my friends but it seems increasingly impossible with every sip of gin and tonic. I even checked flights from Fairbanks to NYC, but there are none that will get me there in less than an hour and time is seriously of the essence!
My whole thing today was to make a Hurricane Sandy Survival video for my popular YouTube channel, but for some reason my camera isn?t working on my laptop. Talk about the perfect storm! Now I?m gonna have to write down my survival tips and post it on my tumblr page like some sort of goddamn caveman!
Okay, write this down because once you lose power you only have approximately 65 minutes till you die!
Hurricane Survival Tips:
1. Don?t leave your apartment! Make sure you lock the door and throw away the key so you won?t be tempted.
2. Staple your windows shut. Everyone has a stapler laying around and I feel like we don?t get to use it as much as we?d like to. Open the stapler and go to town, make sure you staple the window pain to the curtain so none of the rain leaks in.
3. Stock up on water! You remember all those water bottles you bought at the store? Well, when you run out of gin, vodka, tequila, beer, and windex, use those bottles as containers for pee. I know it sounds gross, but what if your toilet stops working and you gotta go?! Just pour the water into the drain and use the bottles for your disgusting bodily fluids, you sick-o.
4. If time permits, text all your loved ones: ?You were secretly my favorite, I?m sorry we won?t be able to hang out in the afterlife with you going to hell and all?xoxo?
5. If you have a basement, remember to release the hookers you chained up in there. Kick them back out onto the street where they belong. Now that the basement is empty, open up that ping pong table and make some use of it before you die.
6. One sleeping bag. I wonder if the thought even crossed your mind that hurricanes are a great time to make out. If you have only one sleeping bag, the person you are dying with in the hurricane will have no choice but to get naked and crawl inside with you. Nothing like the end of the world to get in some last minute physical contact, am I right?!
7. Batteries. Put batteries in everything, just in case. I like to but Double A?s in my butt, so what?!
I hope these tips help save you guys, I survived Hurricane Katrina for a reason, because I was prepared and nowhere near the damn thing. I?m probably gonna survive Hurricane Sandy too, for the same reason.
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