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  • Pilots and control towers, some real life exchanges

    Last updated by Jack on 16 February, 2013 in Reading.
    What follows are some real life transcriptions of the occasionally funny exchanges between the air traffic controllers and pilots. Make up your own mind whether this makes it more or less safe to fly with the comedians in the air.

    While taxiing at NY La Guardia, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right."
    Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to do exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly quiet after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
    Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

    .

    A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high.
    San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport"

    .

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
    Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored"
    Tower Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately".
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid."

    .

    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

    .

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
    While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    .

    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124."
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway".
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers...."

    .

    O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
    United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    .

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    .

    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
    .

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206".
    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't land"

    .

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
    Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
    Last edited by Tony G; July 19, 2013, 03:21 PM.
    Benny Blades~"If you break down this team man for man, we have talent to compare with any team."

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    • Originally posted by Sharkbait View Post
      You can't fool me, that's some of the lyrics to "Land Of A Thousand Dances."
      Cannibal & the Headhunters, Wilson Pickett or Ted Nugent version?

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      • [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T0vs9gYydo"]Harrison Ford Won't Answer Star Wars Questions - YouTube[/ame]

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        • Originally posted by Tony G View Post
          Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
          Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
          Good lord I hope Delta 351 was joking. I fly Delta all the time.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by DanO View Post
            "I'm going to Milwaukee this weekend"
            ----------------------------If you take the Chicago Skyway be aware the speed limit drops from 70 in Indiana to 45 when you cross the border into Illinois. 'm not even sure there's much of indication of the state change. I don't recall. I was just enjoying the weather, the drive and conversing with the kids.
            I did take note and looked for the posted limits, they were posted. Of course I was looking for them, I can imagine driving along at a 70 MPH clip and not notice the change. Not that I could speed, we crawled trhough Chicago. I would have paid good money to be able to go 45 MPH.

            It should be noted that all the way through Chicago the speed limit seemed to ping pong bewtween 45 and 55. I don't recall seeing any place where it was higher.

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            • I noticed that as well Loops after my incident. Ain't nobody travelling those speeds though.
              GO LIONS "24" !!

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              • [ame]http://youtu.be/QY-zngxmT_U[/ame]
                Benny Blades~"If you break down this team man for man, we have talent to compare with any team."

                Comment


                • 8 of the Craziest Illegal Tax Deductions Ever Claimed

                  Updated for Tax Year: 2012
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                  These 8 tax deductions were actually claimed, and -- unfortunately for the individuals involved -- turned out to be highly illegal.
                  Death and taxes might be the only two certainties in life, but if you were the IRS, you would probably argue in favor of adding a third certainty: some people will try to cheat on their taxes. For the truly bold, there’s seemingly no end to the type of expenses a person might try to write off.

                  1. Hiring an arsonist to burn down your business isn't tax deductible
                  Rather than continue struggling with a floundering business, one man opted to take the easy way out and hire an arsonist to burn the building to the ground. In addition to planning on collecting a cool half a million in insurance money, the man also attempted to deduct the $10,000 fee paid to the arsonist. Not only is there the immediate issue of linking himself directly to a criminal act, there’s also the added headache of not have the arsonist’s 1099 on file …

                  2. A "bubble of pure air" is really more of a luxury item than a necessity
                  Northern New Jersey isn't exactly known for being pollution free. So, when a resident who was fed up with the poor air quality decided to do something about it by enclosing himself and his family in "a bubble of pure air," it wasn’t the craziest idea ever. However, attempting to deduct what was listed simply as a "pure bubble" on his tax returns might not have been the smartest thing to do. The resulting audit would have been worse if the situation wasn’t so ludicrous that it left the IRS agent laughing hard enough to waive all penalties and simply deny the deduction.

                  3. Your marijuana crop might be a business expense, but it's not legitimate
                  If you're running a criminal enterprise, normal tax laws should be the least of your worries. Still, you have to admire a drug dealer who cares enough about obeying the law to sit down with a CPA and make sure everything is being done on the up and up. For one entrepreneur who listed his crop of marijuana as a deductible business expense, his good intentions quickly turned into a rude awakening. Apparently the U.S. government doesn’t want your tax dollars when they can just arrest you and seize your property instead.

                  4. Your daughter's wedding is not a business entertainment expense
                  Weddings are a 60-billion-dollar industry, and they didn’t get that way by being cheap. It stands to reason that if you’re going to foot the bill for your daughter’s big day, you’d want any type of break you could get. Unfortunately, inviting a few clients and attempting to write off the entire thing as a business entertainment expense doesn’t seem to fly with the IRS, probably because they knew the clients were really attending the wedding just to be polite.

                  5. Your dog is not a dependent
                  This one isn’t an isolated incident, and on more than one occasion people have attempted to count their dogs (or cats) as dependents. Even though it seems unfair to some, opting to let a pet live under your roof doesn’t entitle you to any additional tax credits. Bad news for pet owners looking to recoup some of that money they keep shelling out on obedience training, chew toys, and adorable sweater vests.

                  6. Getting a new tattoo is not a medical expense
                  Just because something goes on your body doesn’t mean it’s a legitimate medical expense. This holds particularly true for elective medical procedures and body decorations like piercings and tattoos. Unfortunately for them, the IRS has a minimal tolerance for people who attempt to deduct their completely optional form of self expression.

                  7. A fallout shelter is not "preventative medicine"
                  Your own personal beliefs don’t usually fall into the category of things the IRS cares about. But, that can change on a dime as soon as you attempt to deduct your personal fallout shelter as “preventative medicine.” From their perspective, the fallout shelter is about as medicinal as a bulletproof vest or a roll-bar for your convertible.

                  8. Your deadbeat son isn't tax deductible
                  Just like the multiple people attempting to claim pets as a dependent, bad debt from deadbeat offspring is a sadly common occurrence. While it’s one thing to claim a loss on money that can actually be tracked, trying to deduct the $2,000 you loaned to your unreliable son to help get his real estate business off the ground isn’t going to fly. Unless you have paperwork to back up the loan and have already attempted to get the money back through the proper legal channels, the IRS doesn’t sympathize with your poor decisions or those of your children.
                  Benny Blades~"If you break down this team man for man, we have talent to compare with any team."

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                  • We ate at chik fil a tonight. As I was waiting for my order I overheard this little boy say "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he farted!"

                    His mom said "i don't like that word. What's a different word?"

                    I then hear the little boy say "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had to poop!"

                    I couldn't help but laugh.
                    Lions free since 6/23/2020

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Frank Van Dusen View Post
                      We ate at chik fil a tonight. As I was waiting for my order I overheard this little boy say "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he farted!"

                      His mom said "i don't like that word. What's a different word?"

                      I then hear the little boy say "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had to poop!"

                      I couldn't help but laugh.
                      LOL.

                      Maybe I'll have Chick-Fil-A tomorrow for lunch...

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Frank Van Dusen View Post
                        We ate at chik fil a tonight. As I was waiting for my order I overheard this little boy say "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he farted!"

                        His mom said "i don't like that word. What's a different word?"

                        I then hear the little boy say "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had to poop!"

                        I couldn't help but laugh.
                        Little Johnny goes to Chik-Fil-A.
                        I long for a Lions team that is consistently competitive.

                        Comment


                        • [ame]http://youtu.be/DZtoz-PZUfw[/ame]
                          Benny Blades~"If you break down this team man for man, we have talent to compare with any team."

                          Comment


                          • [ame]http://youtu.be/EpjEs46K5lA[/ame]
                            Benny Blades~"If you break down this team man for man, we have talent to compare with any team."

                            Comment


                            • The former owners left us all of the owner manuals for all of the appliances etc. Apparently they owned a hot tub at one time, and I found this swingin photo in the manual. A goat? Really?
                              Attached Files
                              "I ain't the type to bitch, I ain't the type to cry, I will sit at your red light and wait for your shit to go by."

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                              • lmaooo! haha
                                #birdsarentreal

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