Non-Football Related Stuff That Makes you Laugh Your Ass off

[Tony G]

Culture: The "Worst Episode Ever" Regional

1. #TEAMBREEZY
Our Greg Howard nominates Team Breezy for the No. 1 overall seed in this tournament, and it's hard to argue with him (my personal choice for overall one-seed is in the Park Slope Food Co-Op region). Here's just a smattering of evidence ...
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The best part is that all of these people are likely under the age of 15, so they're gonna be here on Earth for quite a while! You'll be dealing with Team Breezy long after all the Beatles fans and Deadheads have died off.
2. Comic book fanboys
Anyone who doesn't count Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth as a piece of literature on par with War and Peace or Moby-Dick is just plain ignorant. And what about Maus? IT HAD GENOCIDAL ALLEGORIES.
But sure, just go ahead assume that your average comic book lover is still an overweight, jobless asshole who sells Topps cards for a living. Ignore the fact that comic books are read by the likes of Michael Chabon, and Quentin Tarantino, and Seth Cohen. (Seth Cohen ended up with TWO chicks, I'll have you know.) Ignore that ComicCon is now THE launching pad for all major Hollywood movie franchises. Ignore that Watchmen is one of the greatest works of art of the 20th century and be just like that crazed, ungrateful, snake-worshipping Alan Moore, who disrespected the entire superhero genre himself. JUDAS.
3. Trekkies
The inferiority complex of Trekkies stems from the fact that they are often viewed as outcasts among outcasts. They are a more virulent strain of nerdy dipshit: fatter and uglier and somehow even more socially withdrawn than a Star Wars fan or a Battlestar Galactica fan. And Trekkies hate the fact that J.J. Abrams made Star Trek more popular by essentially making it as un-Star Trek like as humanly possible. That's not the REAL Star Trek. Where was the searching for new worlds? And Spock is getting laid now? RIDICULOUS. America's persecution of Trekkies led to the downfall of Trek itself! KHANNNNNNNNNN!!!! (BTW, How ridiculous was it that they tried to hide the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch was Khan? I mean, were we to believe he was just some average terrorist?!)
4. Beliebers
Every Justin Bieber arrest, every video of Bieber pissing into a mop bucket, every dickhead text to Selena Gomez: All of these ongoing embarrassments act as tests of loyalty for the 50 million nutjob panty-wetters who follow Bieber on Twitter and await his marching orders to kill. Do you DARE join the haters and leave Justin now, when he needs you the most? WELL THEN YOU NEVER LOVED HIM AT ALL, YOU BITCH. I will stick by Justin to the end, even if he kills 64 neighbors in a horrific grenade "prank." No one loves you like I love you, JB!
5. Video gamers
When Roger Ebert passed away, he was probably relieved that, in entering the afterlife, he'd never again have to have an argument with some fucking idiot gamer about whether or not Halo is "art."
Keep in mind that you don't even have to insult gamers to make them angry and defensive. Imagine going on XBox live and trying to compliment an opponent.
YOU: Hey, nice shot.
HIM: Yeah, I know. Better than your fucking sorry skills. FUCK YOU.
Listen to these people through a headset and you will want the sun to flare out and engulf us all.
6. Woody Allen disciples
Dylan's lying! Mia's a bitch!
/adjusts personal ranking of Woody's movies on an annual basis
7. Beyonc? fans
They're so batshit insane, they even get angry at Beyonc?. And not even when Beyonc? is being mean. But when she's being fan-friendly and releasing new material. Time to bust out this chestnut ...
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Beyonc? has empowered women the world over, which means that if you rip on Beyonc?, they will acquire superhuman strength, grow each fingernail an inch, and rip the flesh off your body. And God forbid you speak ill of Beyonc? around a single white woman. You will end up hanging from the ceiling with jumper cables attached to your ballsack.
8. Dylan lovers
Similar to Beatles lovers in that any criticism of Bob Dylan (terrible voice, meandering songs, etc.) is met with, Well, your favorite band wouldn't even EXIST without Dylan! You can't deny how influential he was! Wait, what are you doing? Are you really denying his influence? You really want to do this?
/smashes you on the head with a banjo
Like Springsteen lovers, Dylan people will also go out of their way to point out that Dylan is as good as ever when that's CLEARLY not true. Tim Marchman: "Every so often he puts out a record just as shitty and unlistenable as everything he's been doing for 40 years and people swear it's great." But Marchman, Love & Theft was just as good as Blood on the Tracks, if not better! Bob's still got it! You young kids out there don't know what real music sounds like! Sit there while I fetch the turntable.
9. Deadheads
In the compiling of this bracket, Tommy Craggs argued that Deadheads are chill, but I spent my entire high school and college career arguing with shithead Dead fans who treat every volume of Dick's Picks like it's a fine Cabernet aging in their cellar. "You have to hear how Jerry transitions into 'Uncle John's Band' here. He only did this at that Akron show." No. Fuck you. All the drugs in the world aren't gonna convince me that this is anything but the boringest music on the planet. Rip on the Dead and these people will just shut right down before you. They'll look at you like you're a corpse.
10. Dave Eggers lovers
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Oh, I guess you don't care that Dave supports young writers and has donated a significant amount of book royalties to worthy causes! You know, it's really sad that we've devalued sincerity in such a swift and cruel manner. Maybe if you'd ever written a book, you'd have more empathy. Let me respond to your criticism of Eggers's work in graduation-speech form.
11. Adults who like Harry Potter
Hey wait, I'm one of these people. What's wrong with liking Harry Potter at age 37? It's not just for kids, you know! J.K. Rowling is a successful adult-fiction author as well now. What are you, some fucking snob like Harold Bloom who won't read anything unless it aspires to be Milton? Well, you're a dick. The themes in Harry Potter are universal. UNIVERSAL, dammit. I'd like to see Milton write a character one tenth as interesting as Snape!
12. The View Askewniverse
Point out that Kevin Smith hasn't made a good movie in 19 years and you will get the thunder brought down on you by the New Jersey Jort & Hockey Sweater Association:
13. R. Kelly supporters
This is too low of a seed and I apologize in advance because R. Kelly fans are split into two distinct groups: 1) music critics who insist his music is some kind of brilliant deranged performance art when, in fact, it's just shitty music made by a terrible man, 2) R. Kelly fangirls who are just as crazy as Team Breezy but would prefer being urinated on to being punched in the face. Like Beliebers and Woody Allen fans, R. Kelly fans treat his accused crimes as nothing more than the fabrication of jealous haters and disgruntled former employees. WE STILL LOVE YOU, R. KELLY! PISS ON US!
14. Juggalos
It's become a cottage industry in journalism for reporters to go to the Gathering of the Juggalos and discover just how fucked up and bitterly hostile Juggalos are to the outside world. The only reason they don't rank higher in this region is because I suspect, deep down, all Juggalos know how stupid they look with that makeup on. Every angry laugh and every demand for exposed titties is really just a flimsy way of masking the fact that Bobby's dad drank too much.
15. Star Wars buffs
Defensive in that they treat every bad Star Wars creative decision since 1999 as a deliberate assault on their childhood. Why are you casting that Girls guy as your Sith lord, J.J. Abrams? Is it because you hate me? It is, isn't it? I WANT SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS JUST HOW MUCH STAR WARS MEANS.
16. "Prestige" TV fans
The Sopranos was the best show ever until The Wire was the best show ever until Breaking Bad was the best show ever and if you have not seen any of those shows than you are like a college student who has never read Shakespeare, and White Twitter will have you sent to re-education camp. What were you busy doing, reading a book? BOOKS ARE FUCKING GARBAGE. They can't begin to compare to the Dickensian journey Vince-David Simon-Chase took viewers on.
Everyone knows this is the Golden Age of Television. If you can't appreciate a television program where a white anti-hero goes around being conflicted about being a white anti-hero, while veering off on several needless plot detours, then you're probably some hillbilly from flyover country. If you had read the Sepinwall recap, you'd understand why David Chase threw in that 80-minute dream sequence. You probably watch NCIS. Did you know that's the most popular show on TV? I'm offended by that idea.

[Tony G]

Lifestyle: Park Slope Food Co-Op Regional

1. Pit bull owners
With all apologies to Team Breezy, we have pit bull fanboys as the top seed overall in this tournament. Pit bulls are big strong animals that can rip your face off with a single bite, so you'll pardon me if I don't trust you, some asshole stranger walking down the street, to keep Cujo there in line. You're like a gun nut with a household budget for Puppy Chow.
/waits patiently
/50,000 death threats appear in the Deadspin tips inbox
/"Maybe YOU'RE the breed that should be extinguished"
2. Anti-vaccination nuts
You let a doctor vaccinate your child? Why not feed the kid a bucket full of autism and cut out the middleman? Didn't you see Dallas Buyers Club? Let's undo years and years of meticulous scientific research and historic medical breakthroughs made by Jonas Salk because the lady from Singled Out said so. Makes perfect sense.
(By the way, I think it's perfectly natural to regard both doctors and pharmaceutical companies with a healthy amount of skepticism. But there's a clear difference between skepticism and an irresponsible disregard for preventive care. Not that these nutjobs see it. I get all my medical advice from People magazine.)
3. Cat owners
"Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? They're smarter than humans, really. And they eat mice, too! I never worry about mice anymore and that's a good thing because my carpet is LITTERED with old Bugles and Haagen Daaz lids."
The best part is when cat owners tell you cats have great personalities, and then you look to see if the cat has a personality and it's been spending the past nine hours hiding behind a fucking radiator. And the worst part is that the Internet has only emboldened cat owners. Lemme tell you something, cat people: Just because LOLCATS was a thing for four minutes doesn't mean the world is coming around to your viewpoint. I never even liked LOLCATS to begin with.
4. New Jerseyites
I'm still of the mind that New Jersey natives are people who got stuck in traffic on the Turnpike and had no choice but to give up and settle in Perth Amboy. But if you rip on Jersey for all of its obvious shortcomings (dirty, ugly, gross people, dirty), people from that state respond with WILDLY misplaced pride, like they just survived eight decades of Balkan war conflict. They've been tryin' to keep Jersey down for year-uhs but we're still here-uh! We're survivuhs! FUCKIN' JERSEY RIGHT?!
Call a New Jersey person an asshole and he or she will immediately turn that into an admirable character trait. Hey, I'm not afraid to tell it like it is, namely that you have a cunt for a mouth.
5. Cyclists
Not only are cyclists assholes who routinely ignore traffic signs and cause logjams on otherwise lightly traveled roads, but every response they have to criticism is underlined with the attitude that "I am a better person than you because I ride a bike." Oh, you're in a car? Well then you're a world-polluting dickhead. And why can't you be patient enough to go 15 mph for half a mile of pavement? You're lucky the cyclist gave you a few minutes to slow down and ENJOY life. Every cyclist has been nearly sideswiped by some car going 60 mph, and that is how they now view every other driver on the road now.
Special mention to "vehicular cyclists," who use the road even when there's a bike path right to the side where conflict can be easily avoided, on principle.
6. CrossFit enthusiasts
Imagine all the proselytizing of an annoying yoga person. Now make that person a frat bro. There you have it. Spencer Hall:
1. That they're being taken for a ride by HQ, who just makes this shit up with no design whatsoever
2. That they call themselves "the fittest people on earth," and yet win nothing
3. INJURIES
4. Their diets are bullshit
7. Apple fanboys
YOU: (logs onto tech message board) Hi, I'm having a bit of trouble with my Windows 7 PC. It starts off very fast but then, a few minutes after I boot it up, it begins slowing down considerably. I've tried rebooting and emptying my web cache and running Disk Defragmenter and creating a partition for my D: drive so that it acts as an independent hard drive and I've tried resetting the TCP/IP address and rebooting the computer in Safe Mode to run Malware bytes and then emptied out the recycling bin AND my download folder, which actually had some stuff I wanted to keep but was taking up a lot of room. So far, nothing has worked. Does anyone have any ideas?
APPLE FANBOY: Yeah, buy a Mac. (walks away from computer blowing off finger guns)
8. Glassholes
There can't possibly be a group of people with a more misplaced persecution complex. Think about the chutzpah it takes to buy a $1,500 pair of tech glasses, which you can take on or off at any time you like, and then feel like a VICTIM because you couldn't wear them in an $85 prix fixe restaurant. It's like, "Oh my God! This Coach store won't take my Platinum Diner's Club card! THAT'S SLAVERY!"
And the best part is that no amount of shit-throwing will keep Glassholes from reconsidering what spoiled, shitty people they are. You, Mr. Late Adopter, are just trying to thwart progress. Soon you'll give in and join in the cyborgization of the American population. DON'T FEAR THE FUTURE.
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9. Magic the Gathering players
Turns out they handle being rejected by women poorly!
10. Beer snobs
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It takes a lot of skill to turn a subject everyone likes (beer) into something utterly insufferable, and yet here we have it. You don't even have to be knowledgeable about beer at all to become a defensive asshole of a beer snob. When Will Gordon ranked Yuengling low on his list of cheap beers here at Deadspin, I raged like someone just falsely accused my best friend of arson. Tell a beer snob you like (insert random normal beer here) and you will immediately be accused of being halfway to Guy Fieri. Did you really not mention anything from Rogue brewery in your top five list? Why are you even drinking beer at all? That beer you like is water/piss/wine cooler/cider/gay.
11. Chicagoans
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Listen, Chicago, it's not our fault that you built a gorgeous city with pristine architecture and friendly people and fun bars and amazing restaurants in the coldest, windiest goddamn spot in the Union. I walked five blocks in Chicago last spring and nearly got blown into space. So don't go trying to override that fatal flaw by being as defensive and territorial as humanly possible when people bitch about your town. And don't try to convince me that your pizza is good because you've been trying to make this argument for YEARS and no one gives a shit. No one is gonna give you the satisfaction of winning that battle because thin-crust pizza tastes really good and doesn't make me feel like I just swallowed a bear.
12. Car enthusiasts
Oh, you don't like cars? Hmm. (Subtext: You're a pussy. You're not a man. What kind of man doesn't like cars? They're big and fast and look at this calendar I have of Carmen Electra humping a Porsche! What kind of man doesn't like to spend his Sunday lying on a dolly, working on the ol' Camaro? What kind of car do you drive? I bet you drive a Honda. That's a perfect pussy car. Automatic transmission, right? PUSSY. Pay to get your oil changed? PUSSY. The fuck happened to this country? Men in this country used to enjoy getting their hands dirty.)
13. Paleo dieters
No no no, it's not that douchey! Really! It's a just a 28-hour hunger strike followed by a raw steak dinner and half an egg yolk. You will be AMAZED at how good you feel. I mean, right now, I feel like I could jump over my townhouse. I can actually shoot lasers out of my hands. This is what HUMANS were meant to do. We've been ignoring thousands of years of evolution and hunting and gathering to eat fucking donuts! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY ALL THAT REFINED SHIT IS GUMMING UP YOUR SYSTEM.
14. Cincinnati chili fans
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Seeded low here because you have to understand that these people have probably never been out of Ohio and therefore have ZERO understanding of what normal food actually tastes like, which is how they end up worshiping at the altar of Yangtze River sewage heaped onto a plate of cold Rotini spaghetti. It's like arguing with Nell. These are people of the woods. You can't expect them to be civilized.
15. Longform magazine journalists
Constantly under siege from cynics and critics and people who don't get THE CRAFT. Any criticism of their latest tenderly written profile of that girl who was in the Tron reboot is immediately treated like some kind of invitation to a pistol duel. Still massively insecure about their job status and the overall health of longform journalism even though a new award-grabbing longform essay is posted to Twitter every five fucking seconds. Constantly lusting for Pulitzers even though their namesake was even sleazier than today's gossip sites and happily ran made-up shit in his paper.
16. D.C. natives
It's not lame here! We swear!
/takes you to Georgetown restaurant with $35 shrimp cocktails and 90 assholes wearing penny loafers

[Tony G]

[CGVT]

Ha!

[DanO]

LOL.

[Tony G]

[Tony G]

http://sploid.gizmodo.com/the-best-office-kitchen-prank-is-putting-a-human-head-i-1552087671

[DanO]

OMG Tony. That would scare the SHIT out of me.

[Tony G]

Or maybe your kids? *evil grin*

[kayrone]

OMG Tony. That would scare the SHIT out of me.

+1

[-Deborah-]

Aww that's awesome. Wish I had some kids to scare!!

[Tony G]

do you have a fridge at work??

[-Deborah-]

Yeah but it's not really the right audience. Need a more controlled environment.

[Malto Marko]

The tricky part there is the photoshopping.

I only have Photoshop elements and I don't think I can do that with that version.

Wish I could because I would definitely do it to scare the shit out of the household! LOL!

[Tony G]

The Difference Between Men And Women. This Is Genius.






Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women