Joke Thread

[The Cat]

Two alabama guys are driving down the main street in their rural town. As the driver starts to pull into a gas station, his buddy says, "No Abe, drive down to Zeke's..there's FREE SEX with a fillup.
After Abe fills up, he asks Zeke about the free sex. He's told he first has to pick the lucky number between one and ten. ABE guesses six and Zeke replies "Nope....lucky number today is SEVEN!"

A few miles down the road Abe says to his buddy...."Ya know, I don't believe there's free sex at all at Zeke's...I think it's a scam!"

His buddy replies...."No No!!! It's on the level......my wife WON twice this week!!

[romster]

#267 is in poor taste because of the awful attempt to imitate some sort of ebonics. It would be funny with straight up regular english used though.

[romster]

[Vegasz71]

#267 is in poor taste because of the awful attempt to imitate some sort of ebonics. It would be funny with straight up regular english used though.

Sorry to offend your delicate sense of taste...please keep in mind it is only a joke and in no way posted to offend one's senses

[romster]

Well I wasn't personally offended but I like "delicate sense of taste." Sounds like a pleasant way to be.

[Coop]

it tastes good

[Vegasz71]

I guess I may be of the camp that is more of the spicy taste...LOL:-D

[THE STEE]

taste like chicken... everything tastes like chicken..

[dsred]

I lawl'd...

[Malto Marko]

This is for the benefit of our newest Forum Grandpa.......

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she rep lied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess=2 0what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

[shinpoe]

#267 is in poor taste because of the awful attempt to imitate some sort of ebonics. It would be funny with straight up regular english used though.

Have to agree... definitely would have been funnier

[Malto Marko]

This was sent to me by e-mail and it is so funny I had to share it........

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

" My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.

[Sharkbait]

Nice

[YT]

Kids say some funny things

[Malto Marko]

HOW FAR?



Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking,


and one blonde says to the other . . .


"Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"


The other blonde turns and says

"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW


into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling

smoothly.


She says, "What's the story?"


He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"


She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely


if he could see her license.


She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.


Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect


me to show it to you!"



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that

her body hurt wherever she touched it.


"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."


he redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,


then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.


She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.


Everywhere she touched made her scream.


The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?


"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."


I thought so," the doctor said . . . "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.


Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind

the wheel was knitting!


Realizing that she was


oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,


turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"


"NO!" the blonde yelled back,

"IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"


The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"


The Blonde said, "So what?


We're going to be the first on the sun!"



The Russian and the American looked at each other

and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun,

you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied,

"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO.......,"

answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"