Joke Thread

[FVD]

Obama isn't a Muslim.

[Malto Marko]

Daddy Longlegs - A father-daughter bonding

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at
the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'

[Darl McrBride]

first Non-Christian

Yeah, know it was a joke but as Deism is not Christianity even the premise is wrong. Boo hiss.

[SeattleLionsFan]

plus the fact that he's a christian. So if there would be a first non-christian, it wouldn't be him.

moreover, jokes about assasinating what would be the first black president are in kind of bad taste.

[Newbomb Turk]

they assasinated Bill Clinton ??

[-Deborah-]

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did
you do on Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first Non-Christian to be elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A Muslim President ? You gotta be kidding me!
When did this happen?"
And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."

I'm really embarrassed for you.

[Washington Lions Fan]

Anybody remember the movie “12 Angry Men”?

I paraphrase a discussion between two jurors:

Fan #1: Are you a Bears Fan?
Fan #2: Nope, Lions
Fan #1: Lions? That's like getting hit in the head with a crowbar once a week.

[Malto Marko]

Guys just can't win no matter what they do.

TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day ! He put her on everyride in the park; the DeathSlide, the Wall of Fear,theScreaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.

Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure !

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

[jaadam4]

lol

[OR Lion]

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did
you do on Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first Non-Christian to be elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A Muslim President ? You gotta be kidding me!
When did this happen?"
And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."

Is this supposed to be one of those so stupid it's funny kind of jokes? For your sake, I sure hope so.

[King Cole]

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word "service".

Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
T.V. "Service"
Civil "Service"
City & County Public "Service"
Customer "Service"
Electric "Service"
and "Service" Stations

This is not what I thought "service" meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[Malto Marko]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven.

Don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

[romster]

I'm really embarrassed for you.

.

[jaadam4]

I'm really embarrassed for you.

.

Is this supposed to be one of those so stupid it's funny kind of jokes? For your sake, I sure hope so.

I thought it was kind of funny. Its a joke, you know not to be taken seriously kind of thing.

[jaadam4]

I'll watch where i step with the ducks..