Joke Thread

[Malto Marko]

Too funny! All of them.

[DanO]

[jaadam4]

Those were great

[Dan V]

What's the difference between Beernuts and Deer Nuts?

Beernuts cost $1.69 and Deer nuts are under a buck.

[Marko69]

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view a lesbian relationship.
"Preferably in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

[Malto Marko]

Take heart Lions Fans. I saw this on social media earlier today........




New York, NY (AP) - A six-year-old boy was at the center of a NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Giants, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[edindetroit]

Take heart Lions Fans. I saw this on social media earlier today........




New York, NY (AP) - A six-year-old boy was at the center of a NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him just like his parents and he refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York Giants, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

UGH!

[Malto Marko]

Here is a touching story from a guitar playing friend:



As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”


Apparently, I’m still lost…

[Malto Marko]

This is too funny!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"


"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."


"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.


"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"


"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."


The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?


I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[DanO]

[dsred]

[Malto Marko]

This guy does not think this is funny at all.

[ame]https://youtu.be/IkjEhguig3k[/ame]

[dpatnod]

Reminds me of Ebron going after a third down ball.

[The Cat]

It's difficult to write a story about a person who stutters. Just do your best to imagine it.
Two former college roommates run into each other several years after graduation. The one roommate no longer stutters and tells his friend he was cured by his wife. HHHHoooowwww? asked the other. Well, Rob says to Joe, My wife put six ice cubes in her mouth, gave me a blow job and I was cured immediately.
Several months later Rob runs into Joe again, who says, "Wwwwellllll RRoobbb Iiii trried yourrr cuurre aa---at leeaastt ttttenn timmess, bbbut itt dddidn`t woorrk. bbutt
OOon tthee ooother hhannnd.....yuyyoouu ggott aaa grreeat wwwife.

[FVD]

I was at the bookstore the other day and this guy with a premature ejaculation problem just came out of nowhere.