Joke Thread

[entropy]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[CGVT]

Ha! I am embarrassed to say I didn't see that coming.

[Malto Marko]

LOL!

[Marko69]

Oh my fkn GOD, entropy!

[LionsFanInJapan]

[dsred]

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[DanO]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was telling a joke one time to friends and I forgot the punch line. They were all pissed and I found it funny as hell. I continued to tell the joke to others without the punch line with similar success.

[jaadam4]

lol.. That's hilarious

[edindetroit]

I was telling a joke one time to friends and I forgot the punch line. They were all pissed and I found it funny as hell. I continued to tell the joke to others without the punch line with similar success.

Once upon a time,
In a land far, far away,
A man, almost dying, dragged himself up the final few steps towards the door of the monastery
and with his last ounce of strength, knocked on the door
A young monk answered the door, and upon seeing the dying man at on the monastery steps, called to his brothers to help him
The monks carried the man inside and laid him down on a bed, where they made him as comfortable as possible
It was clear to them that the man was going to die
The man beckoned the young monk closer.
The man whispered in the monk's ear, "Please can you all leave me alone now ?"
"but before you go..."
"Before you go, would you bring me a woodpecker and a mouse ?"
"Of course", said the young monk. And off the monks went to find a woodpecker and a mouse.
When they had found them, they took them back to the dying man.
"Thank you!, the man weakly whispered, "now leave me please"
The monks left the man alone, with the woodpecker and the mouse.
A few minutes later.....
The monastery came crashing down to the ground, totally destroyed.
Fortunatley the monks were all unharmed.
Though they searched high and low (mainly low, it has to be said, since the monastery had fallen down), there was no sign of the dying man.
They assumed he had been crushed under the rubble.

The monks set about rebuilding their ruined monastery.
After 5 long, hard years of rebuilding it was finally complete.
The monks moved into their new monastery and went about their monkly duties.
One night, a week later, there was a knock at the door of the monastery.
The same young monk who had been on door opening duty that fateful night 5 years ago, was, once again, on door opening duty.
Though he was 5 years older now, so not as young as he was then.
He opened the door of the monastery and saw a man in a heap on the doorstep.
The man was dying.
The (not-so-)young monk called out to his brothers to help carry the dying man inside.
The monks carried him inside and laid him on a bed.
For the first time, the (not-so-)young monk saw the dying man's face
It was the same dying man that had been here 5 years before, just before the monastery fell down!!!
The dying man beckoned the (not-so)-young monk (let's call him Keith to make it easier) to come closer.
The man whispered in Keith's ear, "Please can you all leave me alone now ?"
"but before you go..."
"Before you go, would you bring me a woodpecker and a mouse ?"
"Of course", said Keith. And off the monks went to find a woodpecker and a mouse.
When they had found them, they took them back to the dying man.
"Thank you!, the man weakly whispered, "now leave me please"
Keith and the other monks left the dying man alone.
With the woodpecker and the mouse.
A few minutes later.....
The monastery came crashing down to the ground, totally destroyed.
Fortunatley the monks were all unharmed.
Though they searched high and low (mainly low, it has to be said, since the monastery had fallen down), there was no sign of the dying man.
They thought that it was an odd coincidence that the man had been here just before the monastery fell down each time, and both times he asked for a woodpecker and a mouse, and then asked to be left alone.

The monks set about rebuilding their ruined monastery.
After 5 long, hard years of rebuilding it was finally complete.
One night, a
week later,
there was a knock, at the door of the monastery.
Now Keith was half expecting the dying man to return, and was going to ask him if he had anything to do with the monastery falling down, and why did he keep asking for a woodpecker and a mouse, and how come the man didn't die, when it looked like he was dying.
And, once again, Keith was on door duty.
He opened the door.
A young couple stood there, smiling.
"We'd like to talk to you about God", said the man, holding out a copy of the Watchtower.
They were Jehova's Witnesses.
Keith, who had expected to see the dying man, said "Sod off, this is a monastery, we know all about God!", and slammed the door in their faces.
The next night, there was another knock on the door.
The dying man had returned once more. Again he was close to death.
Keith was visiting his aging Aunt in Basingstoke.
So a different monk answered the door.

The monk saw the dying man and called for the other monks to come and help him carry the dying man inside.
They carried him in and made him as comfortable as possible, he looked like he was about to die.
The man beckoned to a monk to come closer, he wanted to say something.
"I'm going to die, I'd like to be alone", the man said.
The monk nodded.
"But before you leave could you bring me a woodpecker and a mouse ?", the man requested.
This puzzled the monk, but he agreed, since the man was dying.
All the monks set off to look for a woodpecker and a mouse.
When they found them they took them back to the man, and then left him alone.
A few moments later, the entire monastery came crashing to the ground.
Once again, no-one was harmed, but the man had disappeared.

Brother Keith wasn't happy when he returned from visting his Aunt. He was not happy at all.

The monks set about rebuilding their monastery for the fourth time.
It took them another 5, long years.
The monks moved into their new building and went about there monkly duties.
Brother Keith instructed all the monks that answered the door to inform him at once if any dying men arrived.
A week later there was a knock on the door of the monastery.
A young monk answered the door.
It was the dying man again.
The monk called for his brothers to carry the man inside, while he went off to find brother Keith.
The monks carried the man inside and made him as comfortable as possible.
The man beckoned one of the monks closer, he wanted to say something.
"Please could you all leave me, I'd like to die alone", the man whispered.
"But first could you bring me a woodpecker and a mouse ?".
The monk said that they would, and they set off to find them.
The monks quickly returned with the woodpecker and the mouse, and gave them to the man.
"Thank you", said the man, "Now could you leave me alone, please".
The monks filed out of the room leaving the dying man alone with the woodpecker and the mouse.
A few moments later.........Brother Keith pushed past the other monks, burst into the room, and grabbed the woodpecker and the mouse from the dying man.
"I'm not letting you destroy the monastery again, we're sick of rebuilding it", shouted Keith.
"But if you don't give me back the woodpecker and the mouse I'll die!", pleaded the dying man.
"Every five years you turn up here dying and asking for a woodpecker and a mouse, and then to be left alone. Within minutes of you being left alone, the whole monastery gets destroyed, and you disappear", raged Keith.
"I'm sorry", said the man, unconvincingly.
"I just want to know one thing,", said Keith, "how on earth do you destroy a monastery with just a woodpecker and a mouse ?"

"It's quite simple really", the man began, whispering hoarsely, "it works like this......", he sighed heavily........
































........ and then died.

So the monks never found out how he destroyed a monastery with just a woodpecker and a mouse.

And neither did you! Bwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[entropy]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Boddingtons sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Boddingtons?" and the Boddingtons president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


=======================

Original had Guinness, but I prefer Boddingtons

[entropy]

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

[entropy]

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

[Marko69]

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. ?Damn,? he says. ?I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she?s gonna kill me.? ?Not to worry,? says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk?s pocket. ?Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.?

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. ?Why are there two twenties?? she asks.
The drunk replies, ?Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.?

LOL! Superb

[Malto Marko]

All good ones!

[Marko69]

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"