Joke Thread

[DanO]

[LionsFanInJapan]

DanO, I am not surprised you thumbed up a joke about balls. :D

[DanO]

Me either.

[YT]

What do you call sad coffee?
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Depresso

[LionsFanInJapan]

ohhhhh....

[Malto Marko]

Groan!

[DetroitRockCity]

What do you call sad coffee?

Depresso

I was an Artllleryman in the USMC. Our weapon was the M-198 155mm howitzer. When you lower the barrel, the term used is various forms of depressed, depressing, depression.

We had to write up stuff on the gun with each weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual inspection. Our gun had developed a sound while the barrel was being lowered...kinda like the sound an unhappy whale might be expected to make.

Being a smartass and liking a little joke, I wrote on the inspection log that the gun groaned when depressed. It didn't get a single smirk, giggle, or smile from anyone. Bunch of humorless baastads!

[Marko69]

Superb. Sometimes I just can't understand why the majority of people are indeed humourless bstds, DRC.

I used to work for a heating and plumbing company years ago and we had job sheets to fill out after every job. I used to write all sorts of nonsense. The bosses were stone faced arseholes and didn't break a smile......, but the receptionist used to get a wee laugh.
One job I remember, the woman's wash hand basin wouldn't drain, so after closer inspection, found there were coins in the trap. I wrote, "Blockage caused by 5 pence coins. Cleared the blockage, and re tested. Bought Greggs steak bake and fudge donut with coins. Job complete."

A guy called Ian Smith , (fkn tosser) hauled me into his office. "Mark, ye wannae stop this pish eh?" Obviously that fueled me to do it even more.

[DetroitRockCity]

Yessir Marko,
I agree, there are too many people hung up over 'official' documents.

[DanO]

Superb. Sometimes I just can't understand why the majority of people are indeed humourless bstds, DRC.

I used to work for a heating and plumbing company years ago and we had job sheets to fill out after every job. I used to write all sorts of nonsense. The bosses were stone faced arseholes and didn't break a smile......, but the receptionist used to get a wee laugh.
One job I remember, the woman's wash hand basin wouldn't drain, so after closer inspection, found there were coins in the trap. I wrote, "Blockage caused by 5 pence coins. Cleared the blockage, and re tested. Bought Greggs steak bake and fudge donut with coins. Job complete."

A guy called Ian Smith , (fkn tosser) hauled me into his office. "Mark, ye wannae stop this pish eh?" Obviously that fueled me to do it even more.

Go for it buddy.

[Marko69]

These are three real old groaners but hopefully some will get a wee chuckle out of them. Hoping the English teachers among us appreciate the play with words....

Miss Edwards stood at the front of the class and said, "Ok children, today we are going to talk about the word contagious. Before i explain what this word means can anyone give me a sentence with the word contagious in it please?"
Little susie shot her hand up and replied, "My little brother has chicken pox and my mummy said it is very contagious Miss"
Miss Edwards replied, "Very good susie, anyone else have an example for me?"
Little Billy stood up and said, "Me and my dad were walking down the street last saturday Miss and we saw our neighbour painting the front of his house with a 1 inch brush. My dad said to me, "Bloody hell son, thats gonna take that contagious." "



Miss Edwards: Let's hear a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it please.
Little Billy: Miss, my coat has 9 buttons on it but I can only fascinate.




Miss Edwards: Could anyone here put the word centimetre into a sentence please?
Little Billy: My granny arrived today and I was centimetre at the bus stop, Miss.

[LionsFanInJapan]

Groan is right. I'll pretend not to see all the missing capitalizations and punctuation marks, Mark. ;)

[Marko69]

Groan is right. I'll pretend not to see all the missing capitalizations and punctuation marks, Mark. ;)

Copied and pasted, mate!

You know they weren't eh?

DAMN YOU......, YOU......, TEACHER!


Seriously though, how did teachers just "know" when they were being bullshitted?

[LionsFanInJapan]

My students use their smart phones to translate sentences for them. They'll type in the sentence in Japanese and write down whatever it spews out in English on their paper. It's a dead giveaway every time.

If a Japanese person is talking about themselves, they skip the subject "I" since it's understood. For example:

"I ate a dozen chocolate donuts." would just be "a dozen chocolate donuts ate." because Japanese people talk like Yoda, but that's beside the point.

The problem occurs, because the software program doing the translating doesn't know what the subject is, so it just uses a default "It", so they write down.

"It ate a dozen chocolate donuts." What the hell is it, and why is it eating all your chocolate donuts, Marko?

Can you tell me? It's freakin' scary, man.

[Marko69]

Hmmm, interesting, donuts mine, they were not!

(Say that ^^^ in your bestest Yoda voice)

Can I just add......, it's 6:55am here and I always get my morning mcds cappuccino, and that's all. But I've just got a chocolate donut to go with that. No more chocolate donut talk ffs, Jer!