Joke Thread

[CGVT]

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"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss,IfYouDon'tG iveMeAccessnow”

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[Marko69]

22:58, had a few beers....., and just laughed my fucking arse off at that ^^^^^^^ Absolute class!

[DeanUK]

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

I asked Sean Connery what's his favourite London landmark. He said, "Shard." I said, "I know mate, so many, but give it a go."

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

Wife: Do you fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.
Me: It's pronounced Quiche.

It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

Job interview tip: Tell them you're not an applicant, you're an appliCAN. Lick your finger, hold it against buttock. Make sizzling noise.

My girlfriend left me because I've put weight on. She even said that my thumbs were too fat. Botch.

If I had a pound for every time my girlfriend said I was a bit like 'Rain Man' I'd have 268 pounds.

[LionsFanInJapan]

[Marko69]

That last one, Dean......, heard that before but it was "if I had a penny for everytime my wife told me I was like Rain Man, I'd have 432 pounds and 68 pence."

Quickie > Quiche good one!

[DanO]

"Wife: Do you fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.
Me: It's pronounced Quiche."
----------------------------------I like the word play but Ummmmmmmmm, the answer is HELL YES!!!!!

[Tony G]

real men don't eat Quiche

[Marko69]

I'd rather eat a Surgeons Hall tramps Special Brew vomit.

[Panoptes]

Vile

Just vile

[Tony G]

Best Golf Round Ever


Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one
when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had
just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round
shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five
strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant...

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the
hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his
wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted... "You went ahead and
finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at
the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just
as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be
more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will
require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She
will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3
hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said... "I'm just fucking with you.
She's dead. What'd you shoot?

[Marko69]

That sounds like something straight out of Family Guy.

[Sharkbait]

...

[Malto Marko]

Ha!

[LionsFanInJapan]

[Marko69]

Congratulations to Conchita on winning the Eurovision last week. The last time an Austrian with amusing facial hair made an impression on Europe was 1939.


Nigel Farage says that homosexuality makes most people over 70 uncomfortable. I'm guessing they're just not using enough lube.


Just checked wikipedia and apparently the suffix "Stan" is a Persian meaning for "land of".
So Kazakhstan is land of the Kazakhs. Tajikistan is land of the Tajiki's and Pakistan is. Oh no wait. Even the ancient Persians were racist bastards.


A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told BBC News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a fucking tornado.


I saw David Cameron holding a "#Bring back our Girls" card on BBC this morning. Lazy Bastard. If you've left your daughter down the pub again, go fetch her yourself.