Joke Thread

[Marko69]

Paddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He decides to call the police.
Paddy: just found a sandwich with wires sticking out of it. Looks like a bomb.
Police: Is it tickin?
Paddy: No, I tink its beef.

Ok, it was funny last night after a few beers.

[Islair]

Jesus, that is awful

[Panoptes]

few mushrooms maybe?

[DanO]

LOL.

[Marko69]

My wife (who loved the joke) just said, "I think that joke would be awful in an American accent!'

[Malto Marko]

This is good.

It is claimed this actually happened (complete with a picture of a female senior citizen on facebook) but, sounds more like a joke to me...........

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Marko69]

That ^ is brilliant.

[DanO]

LOL.

[Sharkbait]

Nice...

[Tony G]

A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

[Kansas]

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel...

So, let me get this straight. She goes to this really nice hotel, didn't do anything other than sleep in the bed, and she calls that "giving herself a treat." Before this, was she sleeping on a grate inside an empty refrigerator box or something?

[CreepyLion]

Matt Flynn.

[CreepyLion]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POTA5aZxbQA"]Woman Rides The Eiffel Tower - YouTube[/ame]


If you have not seen this, watch it!!

[Islair]

I dont know man. There are enough nutjobs on this forum to fill a plane, so I dont need to go looking for other nutjobs that like to hump the Eiffel Tower.

Sorry, we are all full up here.

[CreepyLion]

I dont know man. There are enough nutjobs on this forum to fill a plane, so I dont need to go looking for other nutjobs that like to hump the Eiffel Tower.

Sorry, we are all full up here.

lol.. Its just so funny.. I love the quote " its a challenge to be intimate with a public structure."