Joke Thread

[Sharkbait]

A man takes up parachuting. First solo jump he yells out that Indian's name, pulls the rip cord, ....... nothing happens. Pulls the second chord , ...again nothing happens. Begins to wonder what to do next and as he is falling to earth, he sees another guy coming up towards him. He hollers out, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" The gut hollers back, " No, you know anything about gas furnaces?"

[Marko69]

^ ^

I was in a taxi last night.
The annoying tit was saying, "This is my own business, I own the car, I do all my own tax returns, loads of cash jobs, I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."
I said, "Turn left here."

[Malto Marko]

Ugh, Sharkey!

This one is for DanO

[FVD]

What do divorces in Alabama and tornadoes have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer...

Why do high schools in Alabama only teach Drivers Ed on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Because Sex Ed needs the cars on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays.

[Sharkbait]

For you LFIJ....

Know why there are no cataracts in Japan?
.
.
.
.
Because they all drive Rink-ins.

[Islair]

^ ^

I was in a taxi last night.
The annoying tit was saying, "This is my own business, I own the car, I do all my own tax returns, loads of cash jobs, I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."
I said, "Turn left here."

I really like this one

[The Cat]

A gentleman starts dating a lady and quickly falls in love. A month later at a fancy dining facility he is about to pull out and engagement, but first confesses..."You know I love you very much, but I also love golf and play it every days when the weather permits. I hope that won't interfere with the wonderful future I want to spend with you. The buxom blond replies, "That's wonderful, I love golf and have been playing for years.....but you should Know I'm a hooker." The gentleman lowers his head in thought for a few moments then replies, "I think it could be in your swing."

[The Cat]

SPAM ALERT

We'd like to end the fundraiser sometime around halloween, just a few days away. If you don't have any numbers please go to the fundraiser thread and get them now.

[DanO]

Ugh, Sharkey!

This one is for DanO

Yep!

[LionsFanInJapan]

For you LFIJ....

Know why there are no cataracts in Japan?
.
.
.
.
Because they all drive Rink-ins.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Japanese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, ?You?re in charge of sweeping.? He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, ?You?re in charge of digging.? Finally, he turns to the Japanese guy, ?And you?re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.? Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. ?Why didn?t you touch it?? he says. The Italian looks at him. ?We didn?t have a broom or shovel. You said the Japanese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn?t find him.? Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Asian. Just then, the Japanese guy leaps from behind the sand. ?Supplies!? he yells.

[dsred]

Groan.

[Malto Marko]

[DanO]

LMAO.

[LionsFanInJapan]

[Sharkbait]

nice one Marko......

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise point. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible motor-cycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.
" Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.


He said, "I'm Dave." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."