Joke Thread

[Tony G]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says ?I don?t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.?

I said ?WHAT??!! What was that?!?

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear?
?You?re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man?.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ?Can?t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom??

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn?t decide which one to take so I told her we?d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you?she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn?t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,

?That?s fine, honey?.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, ?I think this is all dear, let?s go to the cashier?.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ?No honey, I don?t feel like it?.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??.

I then said ?honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You?re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.?

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ?Why can?t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you??.

Apparently I?m not having sex tonight either.

[Malto Marko]

LOL or for a long time.

[Tony G]

[Tony G]

[Malto Marko]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities.

He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?" "You must be new here. It is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?”

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

[Kansas]

This for Marko69.

Walk up to a chick in a pub and say, "Hey, are you from Ireland cuz you got my dick Dublin in size."

/rim shot

[Marko69]

Dear God! ^^^, mid 40's now, and I heard that in my teens, buddy. Is that just reaching the States now?

[Kansas]

Hell, man, I live in Nebraska. There's this new band called N'sync we can't get enough of.

[Marko69]

Never heard of them. Any good?

[bimmer84]

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[LionsFanInJapan]

Hahaha!

[Marko69]

that is quality, Bimmer

[bimmer84]

Thanks guys

[Marko69]

The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

1. Become a billionaire.

2. Meet the Queen.

3. Suck Kate Middleton's tits.

[Tony G]

Ha!