Joke Thread

[Malto Marko]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Tony G]

Stupid People

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.


A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious injuries. Asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."

[Marko69]

Quote: When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

I don't see the problem with this ^^^. Yosemite Sam done this a lot and always recovered for the next scene. What's the problem?

I'll add something to this stupid people list. Was in the supermarket car park, in the van, on the phone to a customer. Whilst listening to her talk, I watched this workman, in his truck, parked, window rolled down, throwing a banana peel and a carton of obviously finished orange juice out his window onto the ground. Then he drove away leaving his litter behind him.

He was in a fucking garbage truck. Unbe-feckin-leivable. We share a planet with these assholes.

[FVD]

[DeanUK]

Haven't seen these posted yet, some more QB's on Facebook.

Hall of Game - Really good

http://profootballmock.com/facebookchat/nfl-qbs-on-facebook-hall-of-fame-edition/

Latest one - Not as good as the HOF one, but still funny

http://profootballmock.com/facebookchat/nfl-qbs-on-facebook-wack-like-me/

[CGVT]

Haven't seen these posted yet, some more QB's on Facebook.

Hall of Game - Really good

http://profootballmock.com/facebookchat/nfl-qbs-on-facebook-hall-of-fame-edition/

Latest one - Not as good as the HOF one, but still funny

http://profootballmock.com/facebookc...-wack-like-me/

Those are great

[Tony G]

BRAD JOHNSON

SUCKS TO BE YOU MARINO. Boy, I sure do love my Super Bowl ring.
5 Hours Ago . Like


JIM McMAHON

Me too!
5 Hours Ago . Like


DOUG WILLIAMS

Me too!
5 Hours Ago . Like


VLADIMIR PUTIN

Me too!
5 Hours Ago . Like


ROBERT KRAFT

Motherfucker.

BRETT FAVRE

All you have in your hand is that pathetic needle-dick that you jerk on every night until it dribbles out a sad little mixture of semen and failure.
4 Hours Ago . Like


SAM BRADFORD

We call that a “Cutler Cocktail.”

LOL!!!!!!

[Tony G]

AARON RODGERS

SHUT YOUR DUNG-GUZZLING MOUTH, YOUNG.
4 hours ago . Like


AARON RODGERS

YOU THINK I WANT EVERYONE KNOWING THAT MY BACKUP IS A BROKEN DOWN, HAS-BEEN, RUBBERARMED FUCKJOB LIKE YOU?
4 hours ago . Like


VINCE YOUNG

NOT COOL, AARON. I bet there are some people who would love to see me running the Packers? offense
4 hours ago . Like


MATT SCHAUB

Who are, ?The Lions, Vikings, and Bears??

:-D

[DanO]

Liked that as well. Post 1237.

[Malto Marko]

TanksDeanUK. Can't stop laughing.

[dsred]

Robot joke......
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

[Tony G]

[Malto Marko]

LOL@ the robot joke.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[DanO]

LOL. So true.

[Marko69]

Blonde asks gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asks
"I can't make Tuesdays" she replies.