Joke Thread

[Islair]

I always liked this one.

Ever wonder where the word "shit" comes from. Well here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was back then) by ship. In dry form it weighs a lot less, but once water (at sea) hit it. It not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen; methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern. BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure where always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

[jaadam4]

seriously? I never knew that s.h.i.t!

[bimmer84]

April Fools!

[The Cat]

A guy is driving in rural Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

[Malto Marko]

........because he is telling his wife when his girlfriend comes over?

[CGVT]

I got a red x instead of a punchline

[Tony G]

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear, and forget regrets.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible?....

No, wait...

Sorry!!! I'm thinking of whiskey.

It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.

[DanO]

LOL Tony.

GO LIONS "11" !

[jaadam4]

LOL

[DeanUK]

I got a red x instead of a punchline

Missing line:-

Because he's a liar, he didn't do any of the shit!



There were three buddies talking at lunch about the night before. The first guy says, "Man, we drank way too much. I got out of the cab and barfed all over the front lawn. Boy, was the wife ever mad." The second guy says, "That's nothing, I was so drunk I drove the car right through the back of the garage. I didn't even know it until I came out this morning to go to work." The third guy says, "You guys don't know what drunk is. I came home last night and I blew chunks." The first guy says, "I told you I threw up all over the place." The third guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

[Tony G]

How to spot a meth lab

[Marko69]

I thought this was a joke....., turns out its not a joke but i'll tell you guys here anyway. My buddy went to see a job to estimate for heating work. Blokes name was a Mr Barr. He got the job and at the end of the job, the woman was on hand to sign a cheque for him....., her maiden name was Crowe......., Yip, she signed the cheque "Elizabeth Crowe-Barr"

True story.

[WingsFan]

A U of M fan, an Ohio State fan and a MSU fan are climbing a mountain, arguing about who loves his team more. The MSU fan insists he is the most loyal. "This is for MSU" he yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the U of M fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for the University of Michigan......!" and pushes the Ohio State fan off the mountain.

[jaadam4]

YAY!! Go Blue!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CGVT]