Joke Thread

[Panoptes]

A young

Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are

wearing ?

It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects

our heads from the sun !

And what is this type of clothing

that we are wearing ?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert

it is very hot and it protects your body !

And what are these

ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

These are "babouches",

which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

Tell

me, papa...

Yes, my son ?

... Why are we living

in Dearborn and still wearing all this shit ?

Nice

Assimilate or leave!

[Darl McrBride]

What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Dennis Weaver and Hugh Hefner in bed together?


----

Hey, hey
Hugh, Hugh
Get off of McCloud

[DanO]

Very nice CGVT.

GO LIONS "10" !!!!!!!!!!

[Sharkbait]

LOL at both of those last 2 jokes.

[Malto Marko]

What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Dennis Weaver and Hugh Hefner in bed together?


----

Hey, hey
Hugh, Hugh
Get off of McCloud

Ohhhh, that is bad!

[Sharkbait]

I will never be able to listen to that song again without the visual.

[dsred]

What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Dennis Weaver and Hugh Hefner in bed together?


----

Hey, hey
Hugh, Hugh
Get off of McCloud

I first heard this in about 1970 something. It was funny then and it's funny now. Only then it was current...

[foxhopper]

The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a father who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the father and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The father simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the father asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The father nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the father again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The father nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the father...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."

[FVD]

How to derive the maximum enjoyment from crackers

Speaking man to man the most important element in deriving the maximum enjoyment from crackers is the choice of a companion to help you enjoy them. She must be someone whom you admire. A beautiful woman, elegant and accustomed to sophistication, a woman whose company is a challenge to enlist, a woman that's hard to get.

In approaching the companion that is going to help you enjoy the crackers, it is best not to tell her of your intention; let it be a surprise to her. Be charmingly mysterious, saying only that you are going to do something currently different. If she accepts your invitation, proceed in making the following arrangements:

Reserve two hotel rooms for the same night in two different hotels; one a single room in a skid-row flop house, and the other, a suite of rooms in the finest hotel in town. If you do not own an expensive car, make arrangements to have one at your disposal for the evening.

On the day of the occasion, a few hours before you are to pick her up, purchase several heads of lettuce, romaine, endive, fresh spinach, etc.; several pounds of fresh ripe tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, olives, green onions, and so forth. In other words, whatever ingredients you would choose to make an attractive salad. Finally, you must also purchase five gallons each of the following dressings: Roquefort, French, Russian, Thousand Island, and Vinegar & Oil.

Take these ingredients to the room at the skid-row hotel. Pull back the covers on the bed and make a four or five inch layer of salad that covers the entire surface of the bed, tossing the salad well with your hands. Pull the covers back over the salad and re-make the bed. Be sure there is no salad on the floor. Place the twenty-five gallons of dressing in the closet.

With the above accomplished, proceed to dress for the evening. Dress as though you were a waiter or a wine captain in an expensive restaurant, but leave doubt as to whether or not this is what your attire really suggests. The doubt is, of course, a personal matter. When you are dressed, and all of the necessary arrangements have been made, proceed to pick up your date.

When you call for her, create an air of wistful mystery. however, try not to make your mystery dark and ominous; keep it light and taunting. If she asks you what is planned for the evening, it is very effective to look into her eyes, smile faintly, but say nothing, and then look away.

Drive casually to the flop house. Make interesting conversation; keep her wondering; answer her questions about what you are going to do with only, "You'll see."

When you arrive at the flop house, take her quickly to the room you have rented. Once inside the room, ask her this question: "By the way, what salad dressing do you prefer?" When she has told you, go into the bathroom and drape a small hand towel over your forearm (a la fancy waiter). Return to the room and pull back the covers on the bed to display the crisp green salad.

One of the high points of the evening is now at hand. You must coax her to lie down in the bed. She may possibly reject such a notion at first, and may even attempt to leave. Reason with her adroitly. One of the finest points of argument to convince her is that it is perfectly all right is "salads are good for you." If she is still hesitant, you can even go so far as to chide her for not being adventuresome. Whatever you do, get her in that bed; get tough if you have to, but get her in that bed!

After she is in the bed, go to the closet and take out the five gallons of her choice of dressing, and with great flair, pour it over her entire body. She will probably make some remarks like: "What is the meaning of this ridiculous tableau? Are you mad, you crazy son-of-a-b---h!" Enjoy them.

When you have emptied the entire five gallons of dressing on her, snap your fingers and say "Crackers!" Begging her forgiveness, explain that you have forgotten the crackers. Tell her that you will have to run to the store, and for her not to move a muscle.

Race out of the flop house, drive swiftly to a store and buy a small box of saltines. Do not buy fancy crackers. When you have purchased them, drive to the fine hotel in which you have rented a suite of rooms. Go directly up to your suite, place the box of crackers on the nightstand beside the bed, take your clothes off, and get into bed. Turn the lights off, settle down, and nibble on the crackers one by one. You will derive a maximum enjoyment from them.

by Mason Williams, from The Mason Williams Reading Matter, 1964.

[jaadam4]

har har har

[Marko69]

Nun & Soldier

A British soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun pointed and replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I didn't want to go to Afghanistan !"
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls too....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!"

[Coop]

daaayyyyyuuummm !!

[Panoptes]

This clearly has to be a joke, but its not....its real NFL news:

Matt Millen believes Rod Marinelli could succeed as head coach
With 0-16 on his resume, chance hard to envision Brad Biggs

*December 04, 2010, 04:34 PM EST

Matt Millen has taken notice of Rod Marinelli’s work with the Chicago Bears this season, and Millen thinks Marinelli might be cut out for another head-coaching opportunity.

Yes, you read that write. Millen believes the man who coached the 0-16 Detroit Lions and compiled a 10-38 record in three seasons, could eventually be positioned for another opportunity.

The Bears have been one of the surprises – at least to some – in the NFL this season as they lead the NFC North at 8-3 and are in the hunt for the top seed in the conference. Their success has been due in large part to the best defense the team has played since going to Super Bowl XLI four years ago. Marinelli is in his first season as defensive coordinator after coach Lovie Smith talked him into taking the position.

Now, Millen has taken notice.

"I don't believe Rod's one of those guys who's always going to be a better assistant — I could have helped him a lot more than I did,'' Millen told David Haugh of the Chicago Tribune. "Head coaching is not only about coaching. You have to wear many different hats. It takes years to get a good staff in place. You have to coach your coaches.''


What’s interesting, though, is Millen told Haugh that the chance to pay attention to the little details as a coordinator has made Marinelli better, something a head coach can’t do as much or as well. The head coach is more of an administrator.

"Given the right circumstances, Rod could do well,'' Millen said. "I'll get dogged for saying that, but I don't care. I love that guy, and nobody who understands the type of man he is would doubt that he could be a good head coach again.''

Given Marinelli’s track record with the Lions, it’s unthinkable how a franchise would believe it could sell Marinelli to its fans. But there’s no question Marinelli has been excellent in his first foray as a play caller.

http://www.nationalfootballpost.com/Matt-Millen-believes-Rod-Marinelli-could-succeed-as-head-coach.html

[Islair]

Millen smokes too much crack.

[Malto Marko]

Matt Millen believes Rod Marinelli could succeed as head coach
With 0-16 on his resume, chance hard to envision Brad Biggs

*December 04, 2010, 04:34 PM EST



Yes, you read that write. Millen believes the man who coached the 0-16 Detroit Lions and compiled a 10-38 record in three seasons, could eventually be positioned for another opportunity.



l

Write or Right?