Joke Thread

[jaadam4]

Always keep your condoms in your car.

hahahaha.. good one

[foxhopper]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[Islair]

Jeff Foxworthy....

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

This is terrible.....funny as hell.....but still terrible.

[Malto Marko]

LOL guys.

[The Cat]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.



Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"



The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.



Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.



Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[CGVT]

This is an actual billboard in MN. Please don't turn this into a politics discussion, but I think both sides might get a chuckle out of this...

[jaadam4]

OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship

lol

[Malto Marko]

LOL! I got this from a HS buddy.

Be careful, Stee!

Hello Friends,

A 'heads up' for you guys who are living in Manistee or planning a trip to Manistee.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim
of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies
has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think
it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
As you come out of Walmarts, two seriously good-looking 22-23
year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping
into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to to the McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th & 27th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this
upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. The Indian Leather Shop in Ludington has wallets on sale for $10 each. I found cheaper ones
for $7 at Gas & GO Market and bought them out.

Be Careful,
JG

[jaadam4]

lol

[silverNblue]

A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party.. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She put on a Goldilocks costume. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could cuddle with and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking , she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Di d you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I
never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad.
Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a Goldilocks outfit'

[Islair]

ouch

[Sharkbait]

Groan ....

[jaadam4]

holyshit that joke never gets old!!

[Sharkbait]

A man on a business trip decided he wanted a late night bowl of chili. He went out to the local greasy spoon ( I am guessing Waffle House), but when he ordered the chile, the waitress advises hem that they are out of chili, the guy in the next booth got the lasy bowl. He notices the bowl is full, and since he really wanted a bowl of chili, he asks,"are you going to eat that?"

Guy says, "no, you can have it."

he grabs the bowl and begins to devour the chili. About half way through the bowl, he looks and discovers a dead mouse nestled in the chili. He becomes sick and pukes his guts into the bowl.

The guy in the next booth leans over and says, "yeah, that's about as far as I got, too."

[Islair]

Awesome.....Just Awesome.