Joke Thread

[Panoptes]

And you still haven't. ;)
That link isn't working for me.

[romster]

I think he meant to post this:

[youtube]CkgOgssOqss[/youtube]

[Sharkbait]

now thats funny.

[Malto Marko]

Thanks Rommy.

[FVD]

[YT]

LOL Frank!

[Vegasz71]

running out of time for those jokes to remain pertinent...

Just a friendly reminder to everyone...

Do not forget to shaveyour crotch-Jan 20 is the last day for Bush!!

[dsred]

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, tur ned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...



A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d**n near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


My wife a nd I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

[Mr_Velez]

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger

[YT]

What's green and smells like bear?

Kermit's finger!

[YT]

What's brown, stiff and smells like crap?


Mayhew's dick!

[Sharkbait]

Ewwww.

[Malto Marko]

LOL Dsred!

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.

He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the
first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he had just
caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a
stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.


Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your
fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has
been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'

'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fucking with ya.
She's dead. What'd you catch?'

[seatbeltboy]

That's bad...funny but bad.

[jaadam4]

hahahahahaha