Joke Thread

[The Cat]

Stutterer goes to the pastor of his Church and asks for a job selling bibles door to door The pastor has his doubts because the man has once of the worst stutters he has ever hears and it usually take the man a minute to get out a ten second phrase. But THE Pastor decides to give him a try. At the end of week one the pastor calls the stutterer to the pulpit to address the other sales people, because the stutterer has had record sales.
"Go ahead!" the pastor says. Share your secret.
The stutterer replies......"Weeellllll wwwwhhhenn iiiiiiii gggggggeeetttt to ssomebbbody's dddoor IIIII aask thhheeemm, wwwould yyou lliikke too bbbbbuy a bbbible oor would yyyou llllike mmeeeee ttttoooo rreadd iit tttto yyyyouu?"

[Malto Marko]

Good ones, Cat!

[dsred]

LOL Bill.

[DanO]

Stutterer goes to the pastor of his Church and asks for a job selling bibles door to door The pastor has his doubts because the man has once of the worst stutters he has ever hears and it usually take the man a minute to get out a ten second phrase. But THE Pastor decides to give him a try. At the end of week one the pastor calls the stutterer to the pulpit to address the other sales people, because the stutterer has had record sales.
"Go ahead!" the pastor says. Share your secret.
The stutterer replies......"Weeellllll wwwwhhhenn iiiiiiii gggggggeeetttt to ssomebbbody's dddoor IIIII aask thhheeemm, wwwould yyou lliikke too bbbbbuy a bbbible oor would yyyou llllike mmeeeee ttttoooo rreadd iit tttto yyyyouu?"

Saw that one coming. lol.

[LionsFanInJapan]

Those were all great! Yours too Frank!

[Malto Marko]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.


---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.


"Janie, do you have a story to share?"


"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........


She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."


''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"




...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."






....I love these touching stories !!!

[Marko69]

What do you call a judge with no fingers?

Justice Thumbs.

Fk off with the groaning shit, that's funny as fk.

[LionsFanInJapan]

Mark's was better, Marko. ;)

[Fraquar]

It wasn't a joke, but a moment in a HAZMAT training class years ago.

Guy giving the class stuttered and was telling a story us old timers can relate to about Mercury and how as kids you'd put a ball in your hand and watch it roll.

His response was classic:

"I ddddon't unnnnderstttttand whhhat the big deal witttth Mercury isss, Iiiiiiiii tttturned out OK".

[Marko69]

True long story short,..... YEARS ago a washing machine repair guy came out to the house, but it broke down again. The second day my wife couldn't be in for him so I stayed home and waited....., she said, "if it's the same guy, he's got a bad stutter."

Guy arrived, all was normal. No stutter. Must be a different guy. Made him a coffee, started the general chit chat thing......., been doing this job long etc etc. Finally he started talking about his family and his daughter being at Art College. I said, "very good, what is her main thing at college?"
He said, "Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta tap tap ta ta ta ta, tapestry!"
Was the same guy.

[Fraquar]

S, T, D, W, and I usually are the catalysts for a stutterer. In my case I was forewarned, because if I hadn't been my coffee would have went all over the conference room.

[The Cat]

Ten and eight year old brothers getting ready for bed. The ten year old says "you know, we're old enough now to start swearing. When we go down for breakfast in the morning I'll say DAMNIT in front of mom and you can say HELL."
At the breakfast table the following morning when his mother asks the ten year old what he'd like for breakfast the kid replies.."well damnit, Cheerios would go down real nice."
The mother becomes incensed, yanks the kid from the table and sends him to his room.
She then asks the eight year old what he'd like, to which he replies,.."Well it sure as hell won't be Cheerios."

[Malto Marko]

:-D

[LionsFanInJapan]

Great one, Bill!

[DanO]

Ten and eight year old brothers getting ready for bed. The ten year old says "you know, we're old enough now to start swearing. When we go down for breakfast in the morning I'll say DAMNIT in front of mom and you can say HELL."
At the breakfast table the following morning when his mother asks the ten year old what he'd like for breakfast the kid replies.."well damnit, Cheerios would go down real nice."
The mother becomes incensed, yanks the kid from the table and sends him to his room.
She then asks the eight year old what he'd like, to which he replies,.."Well it sure as hell won't be Cheerios."

Heard this only a little different. It was dinner and the first boy says give me some of those GD potatoes. Same punishment and mom asks the second boy what he wants. He says I'm not sure but you can bet your ass it isn't any of those GD potatoes.