Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[MiamiTreo3]

So disappointing. I almost forgot about htis thread. So imagine the joy my heart felt as I opened and the page. My eyes immediately jumped to this thread first. As I anxiously clicked on the thread it was like gently pulling the first corner of wrapping paper from your most anticipated gift. I held my breath as the page loaded, with visions of a Red Rider BB gun. And then the punch in the stomach as the realization dawned on me. I GOT TUBE SOCKS!!!! Asshole!

Merry Christmas Kansas. Play Santa and give us a rant!

[MiamiTreo3]

What is there to rant about?

Go to the beginning and read the thread. It will be worth it!

[Kansas]

So disappointing. I almost forgot about htis thread. So imagine the joy my heart felt as I opened and the page. My eyes immediately jumped to this thread first. As I anxiously clicked on the thread it was like gently pulling the first corner of wrapping paper from your most anticipated gift. I held my breath as the page loaded, with visions of a Red Rider BB gun. And then the punch in the stomach as the realization dawned on me. I GOT TUBE SOCKS!!!! Asshole!

Merry Christmas Kansas. Play Santa and give us a rant!

LOL! Sorry, bud. I got something in the works. I just saw it was two away from dropping off the board. Not that it would've been the end of the world.

[FVD]

Threads don't drop off the board here, Kansas, a mod has to put it in the archives. Don't see that happening to this threas anytime soon.

[Iron Lion]

Go to the beginning and read the thread. It will be worth it!

I already read it all in the offseason. Brought back some memories
But was hilarious.

[Kansas]

Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints

It's the playoffs, folks! And (gasp!) the Lions are still playing! I know, I know. There has to be a comet on it's way right now to obliterate the Earth. But until then, let's take a look at the matchup.


QUARTERBACKS
Drew Brees leads the Saints and is coming into the game as, what some are calling, the hottest quarterback in the league. I don't know. I'd probably put him more in the "cute" category, especially with that tumor growing out of the side of his face. Plus, I believe recent polls suggest that Tom Brady is actually the hottest QB in the league. But, whatever. I ain't no chick.

This season Brees threw for 5 trillion yards, broke Dan Marino's single season record, is undefeated at home, and runs an offense that leads the league in several hundred different categories. And he's still not banging a super-model. In fact, he's married to his high school sweetheart. Pffft. Loser.

Matthew Stafford leads the Lions who haven't been to a playoff game since Matthew discovered masturbation. This season he threw for a little under 5 trillion yards, broke Scotty Mitchell's franchise records, is not undefeated at home, and runs an offense that leads the league in making sure someone on the roster is listed as a running back. He's not hot and isn't banging a super-model. He is, however, banging blond, college-aged hot chicks with big store-bought titties.

Advantage: Lions


RUNNING BACKS
The Saints have Darren Sproles and Pierre Thomas. They had Chris Ivory but sadly he was poached, ground into powder, and is currently being sold overseas as an aphrodisiac in Chinese medicine shops. They also recently placed Mark Ingram on injured reserve which is fortunate for the Lions since it immediately made him eligible for the Lions roster. Sproles is short and is from Kansas Fucking State. Nobody from KSU can be good in the NFL (fuck you, Jordy Nelson!). Pierre Thomas is named Pierre. Gay.

The Lions have a nicked up Kevin Smith, recently acquired Mark Ingram and probably somebody else. The Lions rushing offense this season has shown flashes of being able to successfully hand the ball off to someone.

Advantage: Lions


RECEIVERS/TIGHT ENDS
The Saints have Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, Robert Meacham, Jimmy Graham, blah, blah, blah. These slugs didn't do a gawddamn thing this season. If it wasn't for Sproles catching balls out of the backfield, Brees would've thrown for about a buck twenty-five.

The Lions have MEGATRON. Also, Nate Burleson is going sleeveless, or wearing camo, or something, so now the Saints can't rely on the fucking refs calling 3 - THREE! - offensive pass interference penalties. Fuckers. Anyways, did I mention the Lions have MEGATRON.

Advantage: Lions


DEFENSE
The Saints have at least 11 guys on defense, I imagine. Never heard of any of them. Sorry, not a Saints fan. They have one guy named Abdul-Quddus. Probably a terrorist.

The Lions have a defense that is finally fully healthy. And that means they will be at full speed when they hit guys after the whistle and shove referees. After the suh-miliation last week of allowing a backup QB to throw for two miles and 6 TDs, this defense is gonna be foaming at the mouth to rip off some uppity QB's helmet and perform radical, experimental surgery on his tumor with a cleat-stomp to the face. Cuz, you see, they're dirty.

Advantage: Lions


HEAD COACHES
The Saints are led by Sean Payton. Earlier in the season, he got his leg snapped in half on the sideline when he was chewing out a waterboy for giving him Big Red instead of Juicy Fruit and wasn't paying attention to very large, fast men in helmets and pads encroaching upon his perimeter. To prevent this from ever happening again, he now has all chewing game on the sideline sorted by brand name and in their own individual, labeled plastic containers. Dude is fucking crazy.

The Lions are led by Jim Schwartz. This guy took over the Lions after the woeful 0-16 season, and three short years later has led them to their first playoff game since I unfortunately was forced to rediscover masturbation. With his continued success, I'm sure some day he will have streets and burned out abandoned buildings named after him in Detroit. But the one thing that really separates him from other coaches is his willingness to offer advice and help others improve in their profession, even if they're opposing coaches or referees. Like, "Know the mother fucking rules!" That's a pearl of wisdom right there. He even takes time to offer up pointers to lowly cameramen, like, "Get the fuck off me!" You can't pay for that kind of education. Dude is a regular Warren Buffet.

Advantage: Lions

[Islair]

Damn....that Kansas is one funny man. Great Post!!

[kayrone]

yay - he's baaaaack!

They had Chris Ivory but sadly he was poached, ground into powder, and is currently being sold as an aphrodisiac in Chinese medicine shops.

hee hee.

I am a chick, and for the record, Drew Brees is hot. Hotter than Tom Brady (although it is close - the chin dimple is just over the top though. IMHO).

[Iron Lion]

yay - he's baaaaack!



hee hee.

I am a chick, and for the record, Drew Brees is hot. Hotter than Tom Brady (although it is close - the chin dimple is just over the top though. IMHO).

Chin dimple fetish, eh? I've now heard it all. What do you make of Terry Bradshaw then? Is he adorable?

[kayrone]

no no no, I find the chin dimple to be a turn off, not a turn on.

Terry Bradshaw...um, no.

[bimmer84]

Bradshaw is older than Methuselah. That's not a dimple. He just fell asleep on the couch and the button on his shirt made an indentation.

[Iron Lion]

Oh I see. Where's Stafford rank?

[kayrone]

LOL Bim.

Stafford is kinda hot - he's got that sexy southern boy aura about him, which appeals to me, but he's not in the same hotness league as Brees or Brady.

anyway, back on topic...funny as ever, Kansas!

[LionsFanInJapan]

Haha, that was great Kansas!

[Cwick925]

ROFL.. Nice post man..