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We?ve all heard of the ?Michael Vick Experience? which, besides seeing and feeling what it?s like to dart and weave through eleven large, quick grown men for a touchdown, now also concludes with a latex-gloved Nurse Myers rubbing herpEASE on your genitals while you wear a hooded sweatshirt, sunglasses and a fake goatee. But what would it be like to go on the ?Joey Harrington Experience??
It would probably begin with the EA Sports Quarterback Challenge where you are Joey and you?re heading into the last event with zero points and needing to make a statement. The final event - ?Just Hit The Barn? ? gives you 5 throws from 20 yards where you net 10 points for hitting the narrow side of the barn, 5 points for the broad side of the barn, 1 point for the roof, and negative 10 points for missing completely. You finish the contest in last place with negative 50 points and proceed to the press conference where you get to experience Joey Sunshine and say things like, ?I really felt good out there. I know the outcome isn?t what we all wanted, but I thought I did some good things and I really battled. I think I could?ve done a little better with the barn, but it was just recently added to the roster and I wasn?t entirely in sync with it, especially since I?d been practicing all week with a two-story Tudor.? Wow! Gives you goose bumps, doesn?t it?
Next, you get to experience game day where you wake up early and get yourself psyched up for the big game by playing Rachmaninoff?s Piano Concerto No. 2 in C-minor and wolfing down a pre-game breakfast of strawberry-stuffed crepe suzettes with a side of quiche lorraine and a chocolate mocha latte topped with whipped cream and a maraschino cherry. Look out, Green Bay!
Next, you head to the locker room where everyone ignores you except for Dominic Raiola who has formed a close friendship with you probably because for at least 8 months of the year you have the back of your hand on his nut sack, and that being your only friend was most likely the only reason his mediocre ass got a contract extension. Once you?re suited up, you ? as the team leader ? give a rousing speech citing examples of courage and inspiration, like Ellen Degeneres? public admission that she?s a lesbian, or Oprah?s up and down battle with her weight, or Richard Simmons? creative squabbles with the producer of Sweating To The Oldies, or Good Housekeeping?s recent article on how to overcome and remove stubborn mildew stains from the shower tiles. You finish with a brief yet poignant synopsis of the many life?s lessons that can be gleaned from your favorite book ?It Takes A Village?.
Due to your brilliant oratory and leadership, the team is now mentally prepared to play at the level that all long time Lions fans have grown accustomed to. Well done. Next, you stand in the tunnel waiting to run out onto the field in front of an adoring crowd of?????well, um??..Garcia supporters.. But wait a minute. To preserve whatever emotional stability you still possess, and to spare you the embarrassment and humiliation of the fans? relentless booing, the coaching staff has decided to announce the defense instead. Whew.
But it doesn?t matter. The only thing that could save you now is Harry Potter?s invisibility cloak. As you run onto the field that #3 on your uniform sticks out like a Janet Jackson nipple doily. The boos rain down so hard you think about gathering up two of each animal. (And by the way??? if you did gather up two of each animal, would you???.you know???take two males or would one be a female? I mean, not that it would give us any indication of your lifestyle choices or anything like that, it?s just???.umm????.never mind.) Now you?re on the sidelines and you wonder how much worse the fans will be when you throw your first check-down on 3rd and eight. Or you short-hop a wide-open Roy Williams on a 12 yard curl route. Or you under throw a streaking Charles Rogers where it?s picked off, and during the return for a touchdown you make a half-hearted attempt at a tackle by throwing yourself at the feet of the blocker only to get flagged for tripping. You wonder if???well, when??..this occurs it might be better to just lie there on the turf and escape the wrath of the fans by feigning some sort of massive, Mitchell-esque neck and head trauma to muster up at least a smattering of fan sympathy. But you realize this is Detroit, where the fans applaud injuries to their starting quarterback. There is no sympathy in Motown.
You watch the opening kickoff and you realize it?s almost time to run out there and command the offense. You?re so worried about making a mistake or throwing a pick that you decide right then and there that you?re going to check-down if the play hasn?t developed by the expiration of that mental clock in your head, which some studies have shown to be about 1.35 seconds on average. You glance behind you and smile nervously at Roy, Charles, and Mike. They acknowledge you with a roll of their eyes because they know they?re thoroughbreds and their jockey is Ralphie May who also reads defenses with the same bewilderment as Jessica Simpson trying to figure out why the can says ?chicken? but the contents tastes like tuna.
Eddie Drummond doesn?t return the opening kick for a touchdown ? dangit! ? so you gather yourself, take a deep breath, and jog out onto the field with a sold out Ford Field crowd urging you on with the chant of ?JEFF! JEFF! JEFF! JEFF!?
So endeth the ?Joey Harrington Experience.? As the attendant safely escorts you to the exit, you are so overcome with depression and despair and an overwhelming sense of futility that you walk straight to the street corner and step in front of a bus.
Gonz, you drawing lines in the sand with Joey? He deserves a little fun poked at him. I know every time there is a competition someone has to come in last but, Joeys recent performance in a skills competetion between peers, does not bode well for Joey.
Performance is the applauding factor in this game. Non performance warrants a host of negative reactions. Lions fans have a lot to be negative about for performances the past four years.
I long for a Lions team that is consistently competitive.
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