Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[FVD]

LOL

[LightninBoy]

Just goes to show ...

You can't turn chicken shit into chicken salad. But you can turn panda poop into panda potpourri.

[Timmy]

LMMFAO Troy! You really need to hang around a bit more. Yeah I know the Lions suck but when I have 3 times the posts you do, something isn't right with the world.

[SeattleLionsFan]

LOL! That's great Kans...

btw is the first part of that story true?

[gjdodger]

LOL! That's great Kans...

btw is the first part of that story true?

It is; I actually had this story a couple of years ago.

[Kansas]

Wait a minute. I think I just.......................yep, I did. I just saw Mike Williams. A rare event considering he's let out of his cave less often than Osama Bin Laden.

Another shocker is that Mike Martz has acknowledged that...........<gasp>..............Josh McCown is NOT a wide receiver. Now I know why he is called an offensive genius. The Michigan chapter of Mensa was so impressed with this revelation they are dedicating an entire wing of their People With Common F***ing Sense Musem to him.

Geezus. If it was possible, we should chase these guys all the way to the CFL where they belong and jump on another team's bandwagon like it was the last chopper out of Nam. Unfortunately, with their running game, we'd catch them, tackle them for a loss, and still be stuck with them. This team would make Tony Robbins pull the trigger of a 12 gauge with his big toe.

But yet, some players would tell us that they have more talent on the team than their two wins, seven road losses, and -3 rushing performances would lead us to believe. Hmmmmm...........I'm hard-pressed to think of what that talent might be. Tag? Bullfighting? Placing your forehead on the end of a baseball bat, spinning around ten times, and then quarterbacking the two-minute drill?

I don't know what happens to Jon Kitna when the game's on the line and we absolutely have to score, but he's the football equivalent of a Jack-in-the-Box. Everything's going along fine, you're caught up in this catchy little tune, and then................WHAM!............this freakin' clown suddenly pops up! I'm not sure what Kitna was thinking when he audibled into a quarterback sneak on 3rd and 6, but my fibrillating heart was tapping out "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" in morse code like a trapped submariner.

At least our head coach has quelled any quarterback controversy by already naming Kitna as his starter next year. So we got that going for us. You know, between Joey Sunshine, Roy-se Colored Glasses, and Rod Our-QB-Doesn't-Smelli I've had so much smoke blown up my ass over the last couple of years I've got lung cancer of the small intestine. When I fart, park rangers radio in smoke jumpers.

I like Marinelli..........I think..........but if I'm Matt Millen, I'd hire Terry Tate the Office Linebacker to absolutely smear Marinelli everytime he even thinks about going for it on 4th down. And if that doesn't dissuade him from going for it, then Tate needs to clothes-line Martz if he even thinks of trying to convert it with a running play. Does he not watch the films? What Latin-derived, unpronouncable, self-destructive mental condition do you have to have to actually expect a fourth-down conversion from this team with a running play?!? Hell, they couldn't muster positive rushing yards in an entire game! IT'S THE FREAKING LIONS! TAKE THE POINTS!

Seriously, what in the world does Marinelli have against field goals? We have one of the best kickers in the league and he hates field goals like that psycho sniper in "The Jerk" hates cans. A possible explanation is that the pressure to win is causing him to make some rather unsound decisions. Kind of like Mel Gibson accepting a speaking invitation to the "Orthodox Jews of the NRA With Anger Management Problems" convention.

It's hard to blame Marinelli, though. He knows his fate is tied to the success of Millen, which is like having Dr. Kevorkian as your oncologist. Regardless of what Roy Williams says, the talent level on this team is so low you couldn't squeeze it out of an eyedropper. That lack of talent and a torrent of OL injuries has forced Martz to slim down his voluminous playbook and actually eliminate all plays involving a run or a pass. With Marinelli's field goal phobia, this effectively leaves us with the punt. Hey, and why not? Might as well save Roy Williams embarrassing himself from lofty pre-game predictions, prevent Kitna from setting some obscure, heretofore otherwise unheard of - yet totally Lionesque - interception record, save us all a lot of time and hilarity, and just hike the ball to TouchBack Nick.

Isn't it great being a Lions fan?

But let me close with this. We Lions fans are a hearty bunch. We're loyal. We're avid. We're fanatical. We're stupid. And that is why I - as a loyal, avid, fanatical, stupid Lions fan - refuse to be consumed by the negativity, despair and historical ineptitude of this godforsaken franchise. Nay, dear friends. Just the opposite. Even in this bottomless pit of unfathomable wretchedness, anquish and torment, I remain steadfast in support of our common goal. A goal seemingly unattainable yet one whose tiny embers I refuse to let be extinguished. Perhaps it's fate that today is my son's birthday (probably not, because it's irrelevant), and 4 days from now those bunch of glass-lickers will be fighting the Bears for our future - not for a division title, a wildcard spot, or pride - but for the #1 draft pick. They're fighting for our right to choose and totally emasculate a blue-chipper - a stud. And, should they win that battle, we can stand (or sit, I don't care) and declare in one voice: "We Lions fans will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We will survive! And someday, before hell freezes over, we will celebrate reaching that goal and reclaim that we have been longing for lo these many years..............a 9-7 record and a devastating first-round playoff loss!"

Hallelujah.

[DanO]

Very nice Kansas and wish a happy birthday to your boy for me.

GO LIONS "06" !!!!!!

[Coop]

I sorely needed a laugh today - thank you KANSAW and I hope all is well.....

[YT]

ROFLMAO!

Excellent Kansas! Another masterpiece has been produced.

[Coop]

that might just be the best one since marty taking the wind ....and I was on a RANT that night....

[-Deborah-]

You know, between Joey Sunshine, Roy-se Colored Glasses, and Rod Our-QB-Doesn't-Smelli I've had so much smoke blown up my ass over the last couple of years I've got lung cancer of the small intestine. When I fart, park rangers radio in smoke jumpers.

lol nice imagery

[Kansas]

Hi, everbody!

Sorry, I haven't been around much. A lot of crap has been going on in my life, but a lot of good stuff too. But I've been reading the forum and streaiming WXYT at work, so I'm still up on my beloved yet dysfunctional Lions.

As some of you know, my oldest son is a freshman playing baseball at Midland Lutheran College in Fremont, Nebraska. It's an NAIA school. Their record is only 4-10 right now, but a lot of that has to do with 22 of the 37 baseball players receiving game suspensions for a little beer fest they threw during one of the recent blizzards.

My son was at the party, but when the cops showed up he blew a 0.0 on the breathalizer, so he was "free to go". I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Well of course he doesn't drink. His dad is the perfect role model. He's a staunch supporter of renewing prohibition and an advocate of celibacy until the age of 32 or you get married, whichever comes last."

Anyways, he's started 4 games at 1B, one game at pitcher, has come in in relief several times, and has been DH the last couple of games.

Last Sunday he got his first two official college hits against Benedictine College in Atchison, KS. They were down 6-3 in the 5th, and Nolan was up with a guy on first. A hanging slider later and his first hit was a two run dinger over the left field wall making it 6-5.

The next inning, Midland strung some hits together and went up 7-6. Nolan got up again with the bases loaded. With the count 0-2, the pitcher tried to go inside. Nolan turned on it and his next college hit was a grand salami just inside the left field foul pole. Below is a little blurb about it.

--------------
Warriors Wrap Up Series At Benedictine
The two teams split the doubleheader, as they did Saturday. Benedictine won the first game 2-0. Adam White suffered the loss for the Warriors.

In game two, Midland Lutheran won 11-6. Kyle Longenecker picked up the win. The Warriors were led at the plate by Nolan Koehn. He hit two homeruns, a two-run shot and a grand slam.
-----------

Anyways, I've been busy freezing my ass off at baseball games and will only get busier when Li'l Kansas kicks of his season with a double-header tomorrow. He's a high school junior and will probably be starting at 3B or 2B. Plus Nolan has a game tomorrow evening as well.

I wish I'd win the lottery, cuz my boss is getting a little suspicious with all the dentist appointments I've been having.

[Malto Marko]

Nice to see ya Kansaw!

Glad to hear the kiddies are knocking the cover off the ball. What took him so long to get a hit though?

If the dude blew a 0, he surely can not be called a chip of the ole block.;-)

[Newbomb Turk]

that is great, Kansas, but you really do need to make more appearances here.......

[-Deborah-]

Wow, Nolan sounds like a gamer.

Regarding his breathalizer test...good thing he was only smoking pot that night, eh? ;)

We miss you around these parts. Hope the rest of your life is going okay.