Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Malto Marko]

Way to go, Kansas! Hey, I would have a chat with the Baseball coach and ask him if he thinks you should entertain the offers for a scholarship to the local private school or sell your house and move into the neighborhood of your crosstown rival. That ought to send him a message on how much you would like to see your kid play varsity for him.

[DanO]

"OK, time to brag again. My oldest son, Nolan (who will be a senior next year), is playing on the varsity American Legion team this summer. Over the last five games he has hit 3 triples, 3 doubles, 5 singles and a screaming homerun that hit the scoreboard right above the 370 foot sign. Two other fathers told me it was the hardest hit ball they've ever seen at this age. It literally got out of the park in about two seconds and put a pretty good dent in our new scoreboard.

For the season he's batting a measley .587 with a slugging percentage of 1.100 and 18 RBIs. One game that they lost 10-9, he hit two triples (both with the bases loaded and both hit the wall in the air) and a double, hit in 7 runs and scored one - accounting for 8 of the 9 runs scored."--------------------Makes you wonder who Lori was screwing around with 18 years ago.

GO LIONS "05" !!!

[Newbomb Turk]

I was just going to ask if she had any George Brett game worn jerseys.............

[Kansas]

Makes you wonder who Lori was screwing around with 18 years ago.

Ya know, that's a good point. I've only had sex with her twice in twenty years and I have two kids. And one of those times was on my wedding night. So unless the gestational period for humans is almost two years, then I'm thinking she's got some explaining to do.

[DanO]

I'd say. You want me to fly to your place and do a one on one interrogation Kansas. She sounds like a tough one. It may take me several tries to crack her.

GO LIONS "05" !!!

[Kansas]

Well, good luck. I actually got a vasectomy because in my mind it was like putting it out of its misery. Kinda like shooting a horse with a broken leg.

[Masspartan]

[QUOTE=Kansas]For the season he's batting a measley .587 with a slugging percentage of 1.100 and 18 RBIs. One game that they lost 10-9, he hit two triples (both with the bases loaded and both hit the wall in the air) and a double, hit in 7 runs and scored one - accounting for 8 of the 9 runs scored.

Not bad for a kid who got cut his first two years (stupid coaches :-) ).

QUOTE]

- steroids are marvelous, eh K?

I'm kidding of course .... good luck to your little fellers.

[Kansas]

So our new wide receivers coach is throwing bricks to our guys to increase their concentration level and reduce the number of dropped balls. Am I the only one bothered by this? Bricks, people! I know he?s new, but the first thing you learn in Lions 101 is that any player on a Lions roster is already preternaturally at risk to such a vast array of freakish, mind-boggling injuries that heavy, airborne masonry has got to have the football gods salivating at the possibilities. Mangled fingers, smashed toes, crushed testicles??.<shiver>. Listen, Lions players can?t even have non-contact drills without breaking a leg or a collarbone or something. Hell, they can?t even mow their own yards and yet we?re throwing bricks at our first round draft picks. Come on, you can?t tempt the football gods like that. That?s like putting a hotdog necklace around your toddler?s neck and sending him out to play with neighbor?s pit bulls. Might as well speed up the IR bullet train and toss them lawn darts or hatchets or those pointy Kung Fu disk thingies.



Besides, what?s it really going to accomplish? I?m thinking all it?s going to do is give them brick hands, and isn?t that exactly what we?re trying to avoid here? And if this little experiment does backfire, what next? Hire David Sloan as WR coach so he can toss them stones? Or maybe Az Hakim and he can throw skillet pans. Sheesh????..bricks. Wait a sec??..hold on??..I think I just ????yeah???..I just had an idea. Oven mit receiver?s gloves, steel-toed football cleats, and titanium nut cups.



I?ve got to talk a little bit about Joey because??well???..what if he sucks? What if he's always sucked? It?s been four years and we still don?t know. We still don?t know and we?re going to pay the kid $8 million this season. Heck, they built a bionic man for only $6 million.


The interesting thing will be to see how Joey responds with Garcia pushing him. Let?s face it, Joey hasn?t been challenged by any backup quarterback in his entire career. The only thing that feared Mike McMahon was his own pubic hair. By the way, some of McMike's hairs that escaped the carnage are in the PubeProtection Program; living out their lives anonymously on undisclosed public urinal rims and toilet seats; free from the fear of hot wax and Gillette 3-blade razors. I?m sure you?ve seen them.



But now Joey has a legitimate threat just waiting for him to fail. What?s going to happen if Joey stinks up the first two games so bad that by game 3 it?s looking like he?ll be the $8 million clipboard holder? Couldn?t you just see Joey Blue Skies during the bye week go all One-Flew-Over-The-Cuckoos-Nest on Garcia and sneak into his bedroom late at night while he?s sleeping and put a pillow over his face? After all the fan criticism and media derision, losing his starting job could be the thing that finally pushes him over the edge.

[iversonballhogg]

LOL Kansas, you're great dude !

Also, Good luck with you boy, I hope he makes to the Major leagues and plays for the Atlanta Braves !

Btw, What the hell is telekinesis ?

[DanO]

Moving objects with your mind iver.

Good stuff Kansas.

GO LIONS "05" !!!

[Malto Marko]

We must be telekenecketed, Kansaw. I had the same thoughts about brick heaving.

[Newbomb Turk]

Hey Kansas, I hope this helped your son's spirits.........

KANSAS CITY , MO--Jose Lima may be a lousy pitcher, but he?s a hero to a certain 12-year-old at Kansas City Children?s Hospital. Two days ago Lima made a promise to young Nolan Morris, a promise that he intends to keep. During his next start, Lima will give up a home run, and he?ll dedicate to the young boy who changed his life.

?Meeting Nolan has changed my whole perspective on life,? said Lima , who is 1-5 with a 7.47 ERA this season. ?He?s such a courageous little guy. The fact that he has that weird condition that makes him talk funny and he?s still so happy and upbeat is an inspiration to me. It makes me feel a lot better about my struggles this season. Having a lousy won-loss record is nothing compared to looking and sounding like a total freak.?

Lima has been visiting Morris every weekend since the beginning of the season. His weekly visits are a welcome respite from the pressures of playing on a major league baseball team. Last Saturday, Nolan asked his hero for a favor.

?Jose,? he began. ?You seem to let up a lot of home runs. I mean, a lot of home runs. So I was wondering?could you give one up for me? Could you give up a home run for your pal Nolan??

?That touched me deeply,? Lima recalled. ?The fact that this kid looked up to me so much that he would ask me to serve up a gopher ball for him?it just?it just?I?m sorry, this is hard for me. What makes it even harder is that I suck that bad. Man, I must really, really suck bad if a kid is asking me something like that.?

Nonetheless, Lima promised to do his best next time he takes the mound.

?When I?m out there I?ll be thinking of Nolan, that?s for sure,? he said. ?I?ll be thinking of his cute yet slightly disturbing face looking up to me and asking me to give up a home run for him. Not that I really have to think of him. I could think of a goddamn Vietnamese hooker and still give up a home run. It?s not that hard for me. But when I do give it up, probably in the first inning or so, I?ll be thinking of my friend, Nolan. And I?ll be thinking of finding a new line of work.?

Despite Lima ?s problems on the mound this year, he remains Morris?s favorite player. His room is decorated with posters of his hero, a fact that puzzles some of the hospital staff.

?He really loves that guy,? said Sam Marks, 28, an orderly at the hospital. ?It?s nice and everything but to me it?s kind of weird. You?d think he would be infatuated with someone like Mike Sweeney. You know, a guy who can actually play. But no, Jose is his man. I guess that just proves what I?ve thought since the first time I met him: the kid is a fucking idiot.?

A nurse, however, described their relationship as ?sweet? and said it?s based on Lima ?s kindness and generosity rather than what he accomplishes on the field.

?Little kids don?t care about your ERA or your record,? said Amanda Paulson, 21. ?They just care if you come and pay attention to them and spend time with them. Jose has been so sweet to Nolan. It doesn?t surprise me at all that the two are close. I think it?s wonderful. I wish more ballplayers were as nice as Jose. And how bad can the guy be on the field anyway? He?s what? 1-7 with a 7.47 ERA? Oh my God, that?s horrible. No wonder why he?s so humble.?

Lima ?s manager, Buddy Bell, admires his pitcher?s kindness and generosity toward Nolan but wishes he made a different promise.

Oh great. That?s all Jose needs is another excuse to give up a home run,? said Bell , who replaced Tony Pena early in the season. ?It?s great that he visits that kid every weekend, and we do encourage that sort of thing but I think he went a little too far in promising to let up a home run. Then again, what does it really matter? He?s going to give them up anyway so he might as well make some little kid happy in the process. In fact, he should visit every kid in that hospital and promise every damn one of them he?ll let up a home run for him. He won?t let him down. He could even call his shot like Babe Ruth. Wouldn?t that be exciting??

[Kansas]

No commentary yet, other than the Lions really suck............again. Been really busy at work. Just wanted to let anyone know who is in the San Diego area know that I will be here for the next couple of days if you want to have a few beers tonight or tomorrow night and commiserate.

[dwt1]

Kansa - If you're in San Diego, you have to go down to this little blues club in the Gas Lamp district. It's called Patricks II, it's on F street between Hard Rock Cafe and Croce's. Great live music and resonable drink prices.

[JERRY F BOULDIN]

Careful Kansas. It's probably a gay bar !