Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Kansas]

Deacon: Your honor, the prosecution calls Gonz.

/Gonz enters the courtroom and takes his seat in the witness chair. Dano approaches the witness.

Dano: Raise your right hand. Your Delta Tau Chi name is.......Flounder.

/Dano belches, returns to his seat. Deacon stands and approaches the witness

Deacon: Is it true, Gonz, that you are an expert on all things Lions?

Gonz: That is correct.

Jdoggie: (Leaps up) Objection! Foundation.

Kansas: (Whispers to Topweaselberg) I thought he had no responsibility here whatsoever.

Deacon: Your honor, forumite Gonz is an expert witness and has no life as demonstrated by well over 20,000 posts in the Detroit Lions Forum.

Gonz: And might I add, I am correct over 98.7% of the time.

Deborah: Overruled.

Jdoggie: Your Honor, we re-new our objection to Gonz's testimony, and ask that it be stricken from the record. And we further ask that the Court instruct the jury to lend no weight to this witness's testimony.

Deacon: He hasn't even testified yet.

Deborah: (Exasperated) The objection's overruled, counsel.

Jdoggie: Ma'am, the defense strenuously objects and requests a meeting in chambers so that her honor might have an opportunity to hear discussion before ruling on the objection.

Deborah: (Pissed off) The objection of the defense has been heard and overruled. Now shut the fuck up. The witness is an expert on Lions football and has no life, and the court will hear his opinion.

Deacon: Thank you, your honor. Gonz, in your expert opinion, was Matthew Stafford's pass intentionally thrown out of bounds?

Gonz: Definitely not. It was thrown out of bounds because Stafford sucks, he is inaccurate, and he shouldn't have been chosen as the number 1 pick. I mean, everyone knows you have to build the team beginning with the trenches. But noooooo! The Lions front office has to pick a shiny new quarterback instead of.....

Deacon: No further questions, your honor.

Deborah: Kansas?

Kansas: No questions.

Deborah: You may step down. (Gonz returns to his seat) Next witness?

Deacon: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Deborah: We will stand in recess until 3 PM at which time the defense will call its first witness. (Raps gavel)

Dano: All rise. (He falls down)

Topweaselberg: (To Jdoggie) I strenuously object? Is that how it works? Objection. Overruled. No, no, no, no, I strenuously object. Oh, well if you strenuously object, let me take a moment to reconsider.

Jdoggie: Well, I'm sorry, but Gonz just drives me crazy.

Topweaselberg: Christ, you even had the judge calling him an expert.

Jdoggie: That's because she hates me.

Kansas: Top, he made a mistake. Let's not relive it. Go look longingly in Matthew's eyes. Jdog, go do whatever it is you do when you're not doing it here. Be back at 3.

[LightninBoy]

Fantastic - but jdoggie as demi moore? Ugh.

[Kansas]

CUT TO: INTERIOR - COURT ROOM - DAY
It's 3 PM. Everyone is back and seated, and Deborah is already behind the bench.

Deborah: Kansas, call your first witness.

Kansas: Your honor, the defense calls Matthew Stafford.

/Stafford rises and takes his seat in the witness chair. Dano approaches the witness. He's trashed.

Dano: Raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, state your name....

Stafford: I, Matthew Stafford...

Dano: No, no, no. I said repeat after me. I, state your name...

Stafford: I, state your name...

Deborah: (Bangs gavel) He's sworn. Proceed, Kansas.

Kansas: (Stands) Matthew, you've heard of a Code Red, right? Where you do something in a game that is totally idiotic to prevent something even more idiotic from occurring?

Stafford: I have.

Kansas: Name some reasons why a Code Red would be ordered?

Stafford: Can't trust the line to block, can't trust the special teams to make a tackle, receivers can't get open, running backs aren't fast enough to hit the hole when there is one, receivers can't catch the ball, unable to pick up blitzes, afraid of false start or holding penalties, inability to....

Kansas: Geez, that's enough. You're killin' me here. When was the last time you were ordered to perform a Code Red?

Stafford: Last Sunday, right before half. I was told to throw the ball out of bounds.

Kansas: Your witness.

Deacon: Matthew I hold here in my hand the Lions playbook. Are you familiar with this book?

Matthew: Totally, brah.

Kansas: (Whispers to Topweaselberg) Hey. How come he gets a playbook?

Deacon: Would you turn to the page that deals with Code Reds, please.

Matthew: Huh?

Deacon: Just flip to the page in that book that discusses Code Reds.

Matthew: Well, you see, Code Red is a term we use...it's just...I don't know if it actuall...

Deacon: We're in luck, then. I have the Lions Code of Conduct manual. I assume we'll find the term Code Red and its definition in this book, am I correct?

Matthew: No sir.

Deacon: No? Matthew, is there no book, no manual or pamphlet, no set of orders or regulations that let you know that, as a Detroit Lion, one of your duties is to perform Code Reds?

Matthew: Nope. No books, sir.

Deacon: I have just one more question. I fucking hate you.

/Deacon sits. Kansas picks up the playbook and brings it to Matthew

Kansas: Matthew, would you turn to the page in this book that tells you where the trainer's room is?

Matthew: Um, that's not in the book.

Kansas: I don't understand. How do you know where to go to get treated for injuries?

Matthew: I guess I just follow the crowd after games and practices, sir.

Kansas: No more questions.

Deborah: You may step down. (Stafford returns to his seat) Kansas, next witness.

[Kansas]

Kansas: The defense calls Coach Jim Schwartz.

/Coach Schwartz enters and takes his seat on the stand. Dano approaches. He's drunk

Dano: Do you promise to love, honor and cherish me as long as we both shall live unlike that other bitch I married?

Schwartz: Um, no.

Kansas: Coach Schwartz, do you know what a Code Red is?

Schwartz: I have heard of it.

Kansas: Have you ever ordered a Code Red?

Schwartz: No I have not.

Kansas: Wouldn't running a draw play on 3rd and 20 be considered a Code Red?

Schwartz: Not necessarily.

Kansas: If I called all 53 players on the team to testify, would they consider it a Code Red?

Deacon: Please the court, the witness can't possibly testify as to what 53 other dipshits would say. We object to this entire line of questioning as argumentative and irrelevant badgering of the witness.

Deborah: Sustained.

Kansas: Coach, would it ever be OK for a player to disobey you or disregard a decision you made on the field?

Schwartz: Absolutely not.

Kansas: Coach, with 4 seconds left in the first half of last Sunday's game, you called a timeout to discuss what to do with your coaching staff and Stafford, is that correct?

Schwartz: Yes it is.

Kansas: And what was that outcome of that timeout?

Schwartz: I instructed Matthew to throw a hail mary. We hoped to possibly get a deflection or perhaps a pass interference penalty.

Kansas: But that can't happen if the ball is thrown 10 yards out of bounds, can it? (Schwartz doesn't answer) Is Matthew Stafford such a lousy quarterback he can't even throw the ball in the field of play?

Schwartz: I believe Matthew is an excellent young quarterback.

Kansas: What happens to players on your team who do not perform to your expectations?

Schwartz: They find their ass sitting on the bench.

Kansas: A lesson Matthew learned from Phillip Buchanon, am I right?

Schwartz: I would think so.

[LightninBoy]

Jdoggie: That's because she hates me.

So now everytime I see Demi Moore my mind will jump to jdoggie's shower pic. And all for the sake of this little joke. You are evil GK.

[Kansas]

Kansas: A moment ago, you said you told Stafford to throw a hail mary. Was he clear on what you wanted?

Schwartz: Crystal.

Kansas: Any chance he ignored you? Any chance he just forgot about it?

Schwartz: No.

Kansas: Any chance he went back to the huddle and said, "The old man's wrong"?

Schwartz: Ever played on a football team before?

Kansas: Well, I played flag football in band camp one time...

Schwartz: Ever put your life in another man's hands...

Kansas: Hell, yeah. I had a vasectomy.

Schwartz: ...ask him to put his life in yours?

Kansas: Oh. That's a no then.

Schwartz: We follow orders, son. We follow orders or people are bagging groceries. It's that simple. Are we clear?

Kansas: Crystal. Coach, I have just one more question. If Matthew is an excellent quarterback and you told him to throw a hail mary, then why did he throw the ball out of bounds?

Schwartz: Maybe Matthew decided to not risk an interception and.....

Kansas: No, no, no. That's not what you said. You said they obey you and perform like you want or they find their ass sitting on the bench. I can have the court reporter read back your...

Schwartz: I know what I said. I don't need it read back to me like I'm a damn...

Kansas: Then why did he throw it out of bounds? Coach?

Schwartz: You little bastard.

Deacon: Your honor, I have to ask for a recess to...

Kansas: I'd like an answer to the question, Judge.

Deborah: The court will wait for an answer.

Kansas: If you told Matthew to throw a hail mary, and he's an excellent quarterback.....then why did he throw the ball 30 feet out of bounds? (Schwartz is looking at Stafford) Coach? (Schwartz says nothing) You ordered a Code Red, didn't you? Stafford threw the ball away because that's what you told him to do. And when it went bad and the crowd booed, you cut Stafford loose. I'll ask again, you ordered the...

Schwartz: You want answers?

Kansas: I think I'm entitled.

Schwartz: You want answers?

Kansas: I want the truth.

Schwartz: You can't handle the truth!

Kansas: Sure I can. I mean, geez, it's only a game and...

Schwartz: Son, we play a game that has endzones. And those endzones have to be guarded by men in pads. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Topweaselberg? I have a greater responsibility to just not embarrass ourselves than you can possibly fathom. You weep from the losing and you curse me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That stafford's pass, while tragic, probably saved a Rams touchdown. And my game decisions, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, save touchdowns. You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about online...

Kansas: (Whispers to Topweasel) Is he talkin' about, like, our crotches and stuff? Cuz we talk about that online all the time.

Schwartz: ...you want me on that sideline. You need me on that sideline or we'd lose every game by by 40 points. We use words like block, blitz, tackle...we use these words because they're football.......thingies. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who religiously watches the shitty product that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said "Go Saints" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you shut the fuck up and give me some time to turn this around. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

Kansas: Did you order the Code Red?

Schwartz: I did what I had to do. I'd do it again.

Kansas: Did you order the Code Red?!!

Schwartz: You're goddamn right I did!

Kansas: Oh. Well. Alrighty then. I...uh...I guess we're done. Thanks, Coach. Good luck next week against Seattle. We're rootin' for you.

Deborah: Case dismissed. (Raps gavel)

FADE OUT

[-Deborah-]

Schwartz: Son, we play a game that has endzones. And those endzones have to be guarded by men in pads. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Topweaselberg? I have a greater responsibility to just not embarrass ourselves than you can possibly fathom. You weep from the losing and you curse me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not
knowing what I know: That stafford's pass, while tragic, probably saved a Rams touchdown. And my game decisions, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, save touchdowns. You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about online...

Kansas: (Whispers to Topweasel) Is he talkin' about, like, our crotches and stuff? Cuz we talk about that online all the time.

Schwartz: ...you want me on that sideline. You need me on that sideline or we'd lose every game by by 40 points. We use words like block, blitz, tackle...we use these words because they're football.......thingies. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who religiously watches the shitty product that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said "Go Saints" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you shut the fuck up and give me some time to turn this around. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

LOL love it!!!

[LightninBoy]

*applause*

<waiting for the last scene that comes after the credits roll>

[LightninBoy]

<still waiting. Damn I shouldn't have gotten that 72oz Coke>

[YT]

Fantastic - but jdoggie as demi moore? Ugh.

JDog has better tits and has banged more Hollywood actors than she has!

[dsred]

MT3 was the Key Grip, right?

[YT]

LOL Kansas. Very Well Done.

However, I feel I should have gotten some sort of bit part...like the airman sitting in the back of the courtroom picking his nose....given my years of participation on the forums and my occasionally humorous posts.

[YT]

MT3 was the Key Grip, right?

He certainly wasn't the "Best Boy"

[chemiclord]

Damn it, Kansas! I want answers! We had a contract! You deleted my scene!!!

[YT]

Damn it, Kansas! I want answers! We had a contract! You deleted my scene!!!

DIVA!