Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Sharkbait]

[QUOTE=Ghost Kansas;388057]

?I had initially scheduled a practice for Wednesday, but I think we?re going to have an hour-and-a-half walk-through instead because I don?t think we?re going to be in a position that we can have enough bodies on the practice field to actually do a practice.?

So it will be just like a game.

QUOTE]

This was my favorite part.

[-Deborah-]

That was a great one, Kansas! Each translation had me chuckling.

?I think there are bad times for a bye. Sometimes if you?re on a roll, say you won three or four games in a row and you?re healthy and you like that momentum that you have, a bye can derail that a little bit. ?

Yes, yes. You are exactly right, coach. Why, I remember back in the 20th century one time when that damn bye derailed our momentum. The rules committe needs to address this, ASAP.

?There are other times that you?ve been struggling and you have a win and having a bye the win feels like two weeks in a row that you?ve won."

Ummmm, that was close. We're real familiar with the "struggling" part but....um.......do you have any other "other times"?

"There are other times that you have injuries and you can use it to get guys back on the field. I think it?s definitely a good week for a bye for us.?

Ah. Bingo.

teehee!!

[Panoptes]

If the decoder was even 50% correct in all of its deciphers, we're (fans) F'd.

Reading between the lines is alive and well.

[Kansas]

Schwartzese Rosetta Stone

There was no post-game preference this week (duh), so I'm left with the post-practice quotes. When we last left our fearless leader, we found out that Phil Mickelson and John Daly should be playing on the OL, and that the only thing we know about Stafford's knee is that he has one. A knee, that is. So let's see what he's had to say lately.

(On what he did during the bye week)
"I (had) some soccer games and flag football games to go to on Saturday morning.?

"And don't ask me about any injuries that occured. I'm not about to give Dearborn United or the Brighton Giants any information they can use to prepare for the kiddies next week."

?Our continuity has to be from playing well. We have to hold guys accountable to play well and that?s part of it. It?s not always a matter of effort. It?s not always a matter of a lot of things."

Exactly. It's a matter of using hope as a strategy.

"hope isn?t a strategy..."

You're damn right it isn't. Hope is for pussies!
/stands up
/pretends to look around angrily for the guy who said it was

"rather than hoping we?re going to do something about it."

"We're going to pray like a pregnant nun."

"Everything is a work in progress when you have a new team and even when you don?t have a new team. There?s some things you?re better at as a team and something that?s going to be your personality."

So, we're like the funny fat chick?

"What you have to do is minimize your bad plays. Your penalties, your sacks, your loss yardage runs, your long runs, your long passes and your missed assignments."

But, but........isn't that our personality? If you minimize all those things, then all we are is a bitter fat chick.

(On being down to 4 defensive ends)
"You know one of the things we have there is Julian Peterson as a multi-dimensional player. He plays a lot of nickel snaps for us at defensive end, so we don?t have five but we have more than four.?

"We have exactly 4.482369 defensive ends. What? I have an Economics degree from gawddamn Georgetown University, so go fuck yourself."

?It was good to be back on the field today."

"We worked on chipping and putting, and obviously course management after an errant shot in the trees."

?We?re going to have to look at (Stafford's knee). We?re not going to test it if it?s not feeling good. If it?s not ready but if he?s feeling good at some point we?re going to have to test it to see how it responds, and see what he?s able to accomplish and what we can do on the field. But, yeah, at some point we?ll have to do that, but a lot of it depends on where he is. You don?t want to test just to test. If somebody?s not feeling good but if they?re feeling good, sure.?

"The tall dog barks at midnight. I repeat. The tall dog barks at midnight."

?I didn?t have any expectations for (Stafford's) progress. Our expectation was: when he?s healthy, he?s back on the field. So we never put a time table on it. We never said, ?you?re back by this date.? It all just depends, so it?s hard to say he?s exceeding expectations, not exceeding expectations, because we never really went there.?

"Dot-dot-dash-dot-dash-dash-dot-dash-dot-dot-dot-dash-dash-dot-dash-dot-dot-dash-dot-dot-dot-dash-dash-dash-dot-dot-dot-dot-dash-dash...<inhale>...dot-dash-dash-dot-dash-dot-dot-dot-dot-dash-dash..."

(On what he can tell us about how QB Matthew Stafford was looking and moving during practice)
/looks left, then right
/puts finger to his lips in a "shhhh" gesture
/motions for the reporters to follow him out of the room
/goes down to the locker room and turns on all the showers to make it harder for hidden microphones to pick up his voice
/motions everyone to gather around real close
/tension builds
?Nothing."
/turns off showers
/heads back to his office

[YT]

ROFL.

Best Line Ever

"rather than hoping we’re going to do something about it."

"We're going to pray like a pregnant nun."

[Panoptes]

Another addition to the diary.

LOL

Keep em coming

[Kansas]

Lions vs. the Rams. A must-see game for blind people.

This game should have been the one played in England. The Brits might just be the only people on the planet who could actually enjoy it. There'll be lots of soccer-style kicking, rugby-like punting of balls, passes clanking off players' heads, and no scoring. The limeys would be doing the wave the whole gawddamn game they'd be so thrilled.

BTW, England, over on this side of the pond we hate the fucking wave. Sure, we Yanks used to do the wave back in the day. But we gave it up. Why? Because we found out there's a very, very high risk of beer spillage. Do you know how much that shit costs at a game? It's like liquid fucking gold. Wasting any beer at a professional sporting event is like using Dom Perignon in your bidet...........or loo........or whatever.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I'm not sure who is actually going to watch this game, but I'm guessing they live alone, they're bed-ridden, their TV just happens to be tuned to FOX, and their remote is busted. During the game, people will be calling their local TV station begging for them to cut away to "Heidi".

Isn't it weird that the Rams have actually become the Lions? I mean, these two teams are so similar that I'm fairly certain some law of physics prevents them both from occupying the same space at the same time. It's like the two McCombs in Timecop. Ford Field might implode during the pre-game handshakes.

Since avoiding catastrophe should be priority #2, right behind everone's understood #1 - a threesome with Jessica Alba and any-other-chick-it-doesn't-really-matter, maybe we should just call it good and settle this one with a coin flip. Of course, that probably wouldn't work either. I have serious doubts whether either of these two losers could actually win the toss.

Ref: OK, visiting captain, do you want heads or tails?

Rams captain: I want pudding!

Ref: Um, yeah. Lions captain? Do you want heads or t....

Lions captain: Coke. No, Pepsi. Wait. Yeah, Pepsi. No, Coke! Coke! Yeah, Coke. Wait.

When I think of the Rams, I think of Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger and....um.....and......uh......yeah. That's it. Jackson's a stud, though he couldn't find the endzone with OnStar. Which, of course, means he'll have 3 or 4 TDs this week. Hey, it's the Lions. That's our...."personality".

Marc Bulger is the other guy I'm worried about. Actually, I'm surprised he's healthy. That guy has had a more injury-plagued career than my high school Shop teacher. I honestly believe if you put Bulger and a crawling baby alone together in an empty room, Bulger would be the first one to stick his tongue in the outlet. He'll still throw for a zillion yards on Sunday.

And speaking of injuries, Schwartz hates to give away any bad news about injuries. He used to confuse me when he'd say things like, "Stafford has a knee". I used to think that was a good thing. I mean, I have a knee and I'm fine. In fact, I have two. And that's when it hit me. When Schwarz says so-and-so "has a knee", he's talking about the good knee. The fully functional, healthy, non-fucked-up one. It's like, Stuart Scott "has an eye". See? When you say it like that, that shit takes on a whole different meaning.

Now, I could be completely wrong on this. I mean, let's say Stafford jams his thumb on a pass rusher's helmet. If my theory is correct, I fully expect Schwarz to appear at the post-game press conference and say, "Matt has nine fingers."

No? Shit. Well, sorry. That's how my mind works. Like right now I'm wondering if Michael J. Fox has to sit down to pee. Seriously. Does he?

[Panoptes]

Nice

Side Note: My first HS class greeted me with a metal shop teacher that was literally missing part of one of his fingers.

As a just turned 14 year old that never used a power tool before, I got to learn how to use power tools from a teacher that didn't know how to use them either. That wasn't worrisome. Really, it wasn't. I was high.

[-Deborah-]

Like right now I'm wondering if Michael J. Fox has to sit down to pee. Seriously. Does he?

lol, that's bad.

Do you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm? Last Sunday's episode would be one you'd appreciate...

[Topweasel]

No? Shit. Well, sorry. That's how my mind works. Like right now I'm wondering if Michael J. Fox has to sit down to pee. Seriously. Does he?

I am sure its no worse then guys at a bar or anyplace not their home.

[Sharkbait]

Great, Kansas. You should put this thread into book-form.

I was thinking of printing out your witisms and getting them autographed at next years Forum Game. You will be there, right?

[DanO]

Yes he WILL be there and so WILL Agile.

" It's like, Stuart Scott "has an eye". See? When you say it like that, that shit takes on a whole different meaning."
--------------------LOL.


GO LIONS "09" !!!!!!!!!

[Deuce]

Best one this year, so far.

[DeanUK]

BTW, England, over on this side of the pond we hate the fucking wave. ?

LOL So do some of us here!! Bit of a debate on the NFLUK website about about it. I never liked it, even back in the day, I do like a bit of Argentinian confetti though.

[chemiclord]

Is that like... Brit code for cocaine or something?