Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Kansas]

Well, dagnabbit, Mattheeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww! I gotta scratchedy feelin' in my goosler!

[Deuce]

Oh, come on. If you?re reading this, you knew it. You may not have said it openly. In fact, you may have tried to suppress it???..like a fart in a crowded airplane. But you knew. You knew way down deep in your Honolulu Blue belly that there was no earthly way they were going to make that extra point. The ones that didn?t know it saw that snap bouncing along the turf and may have managed an ?I?m comin?, Elizabaeth!? before their hearts exploded, sending them to a blissful, eternal sleep free from the shackles of agony and despair of Lions fandom. Those lucky bastards.

But none of us?????NONE OF US?????would still be alive and kicking if that was the final play of the Super Bowl. But, all of you still with me know that that is exactly how a Super Bowl would unfold if????..IF????.the Lions ever get there. A missed field goal, a botched extra point, a kickoff return in overtime, an interception on the game winning drive???.in the endzone???..when we?re down by two?????at our opponents? 5??????with 10 seconds left in the game. THAT, my dear friends, is our destiny. Nothing good will ever happen to us. I?m starting to feel like a starving Ethiopian and having Sam Kennison screaming in my ear, ?IT?S THE FRIGGIN? DESERT!! IT WILL ALWAYS BE THE DESERT!! MOVE!! PACK YOUR STUFF UP AND MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!? The Lions are our Sahara???????..and we don?t have a U-Haul.

Don?t believe me? OK.

For the second time in his career, Joey actually threw for over 300 yards. An event so rare that ancient Mayan prophecy foretells that something that unlikely occurring twice would trigger the cataclysmic battle between the forces of Quetzalcoatl and the spirit demons of Xibalba which, of course, causes the entire planet to be covered in a gradually rising ?lake of fire? resulting in the terrible, slow, agonizing deaths of all life as we know it.

Gee thanks, Joey. Poor kid can?t do anything right. I don?t know about you, but when faced with being slowly burned to death from the feet up????um, well????.5 of 22 for 47 yards is a damn good outing.

On the other hand, after watching our Safeties play defense, burning slowly to death from the feet up might actually be a welcome relief. Either that or smearing Smuckers all over my eyelids and being staked down on top of a fire ant hill. Helen Keller just had to be a Lions fan. It?s the only possible way to enjoy them. Blind, deaf, dumb????and stupid wouldn?t hurt either. Lesseee. Third and 24. On the Vike 18 yard line. Daunte Culpepper. Randy Moss. Hmmmmmm???.what?s the one thing that Brock Marion and Bracy Walker absolutely can NOT let happen? I would give them a clue, but I don?t think they could get a clue if I gave them a wheelbarrow full of money, doused them with cologne that was irresistible to clues, and then gave them very clear and precise directions to the clue red light district.

And what is the deal with Dick Jauron not playing Terrence Holt? I mean, with our Safeties that?s like having Kukulcan on the bench when you?re playing the spirit demons of Xibalba!!! It?s just crazy!! Seriously, does Jauron have a nappy-haired kid with brown eyes and Holt?s DNA structure?!? If not, he needs a Bracy enema cuz he?s lodged up in there pretty tight.

I?ve almost had it. Not quite, but almost. And if this really is our destiny?????I mean??????come on, destiny. Throw us a friggin? bone here.

I declare the bolded part the best part of any rant in this thread.

[Kansas]

Big fan of Kukulcan, huh? I can't blame ya. For a winged serpent he has above average speed and his ability to create earthquakes is rated a 9 out of 10 by most experts.

[Coop]

better be at this year's forum game kansaw...else i gonna ass yer kick!

[chemiclord]

Who? Kukulcan?

[Kansas]

WARNING: This rant contains naughty words.

What a coincidence. At the same moment that Matt Millen was hired as an expert analyst on the NFL Network, Tinkerbell sprinkled fairy dust on my ass making me an expert on NASCAR, soccer, hip-hop, and what women really want. So go ahead and ask me anything you want on those subjects and you can judge for yourself if I am right or I am wrong. Or you can sit behind your computer and go, "The guy's an idiot. I'm going to Spencer Pratt's Twitter page."

"Millen would not discuss ongoing buyout issues with his contract. 'That's ongoing right now,' he said. 'I am just going to leave it at that.'"

Are you serious? Are you really going to screw Mr. Ford even further by taking a buyout?!? Geezus, he can't even sell a gawddamn season ticket because of you! I can hear Millen now. "Hey, I earned that money. I ran an NFL fucking franchise for 8 years. I’ve won a Super Bowl ring 4 fucking times and was a Pro Bowl linebacker. I am what you call a fucking football expert. And I tell ya what. If I hadn't got fired I'd still be there picking wide receivers with the first pick in the gawddamn draft. You have any idea how asinine that is? I did it just because I could. It didn't even make sense most of the time, but I did it anyway. Because I’m Matt Fucking Millen. I bet you wouldn't have the balls to pick 4 wide receivers in the first round if you had a gawddamn draft board written on your boyfriend's stomach. Devout fuckin' coward." That quote is taken directly out of Millen's head.

Let's take a look at Millen's "expertise."

Matt is such a skilled judge of talent that after 8 years of drafts and free agency he managed to field a team in his final year that won every preseason "scrimmage." Not a real game. We're talking about four glorified practices. Not a game, not a game...........practice. What are we talking about? Practice. I haven't seen anybody do less to deserve their cash since Heather Mills. Calling Millen an expert analyst in anything football-related is like calling NASCAR a sport. And, yes, I can say that because I am a NASCAR expert.

Matt says, "...there is no bigger fan anywhere of Mr. Ford than me." Well, duh. The only difference between Millen and the Girls Next Door is they had to literally suck their sugar daddie's dick for their money. In other words, Matt, they earned it. Other than Millen, the only other guy I know of who got paid $50 million and fucked a fan base while making it was Gene Simmons. Millen sodomized so many Lions fans that he now has to register as a sex offender in any city he broadcasts from. And that mustache just makes it even more creepy.

But I got to hand it to Millen. Right place, right time, senile boss. You are one lucky man, Matt. With your luck, on the day you croak, Pacman Jones, Mike Tyson and Rachel Maddow will all die in the same plane crash and they'll be so busy at the gates of Hell that you'll be able to sneak into Heaven just so you can give us fans one more kick in the balls.

[chemiclord]

I wanted to laugh, but got depressed instead by how true it was.

[-Deborah-]

No shit!

[YT]

Reading that post, I kept hearing Hank Hill's voice in my head.....I'll telll you what!

[Sharkbait]

Ouch !

[Kansas]

Maria: Your hair looks great, Matthew.

Matt: Thanks. So you think it's weird that I like to wear boxers?

Maria: Actually I think it's weird that you took your pants off to get a haircut.

Matt: Oh, sorry. It must be some sort of Pavlovian response I picked up from all those keggers I went to at Georgia. Hot chick. Pants off. Speaking of which, how about you and me head over to that janitor's closet and I'll make you grunt like you just hit a backhanded winner from the baseline at Wimbledon.

Maria: Oh, Matthew. You know I can't resist a sweet-talker. Or a rich guy.

[Sharkbait]

Hubba - Hubba.

[Panoptes]

LOL

Thx K, needed that.

[MiamiTreo3]

WARNING: This rant contains naughty words.
But I got to hand it to Millen. Right place, right time, senile boss. You are one lucky man, Matt. With your luck, on the day you croak, Pacman Jones, Mike Tyson and Rachel Maddow will all die in the same plane crash and they'll be so busy at the gates of Hell that you'll be able to sneak into Heaven just so you can give us fans one more kick in the balls.

Little hard on Iron Mike, arent you? "I'll eat your fucking kids!"

[Kansas]

After Wednesday's minicamp, WCF Sr. took enough time out of his not being dead to be interviewed by a small gathering of beat writers. During the interview, WCF finally admitted that ex-GM Matt Millen didn't have the experience to be successful and wasn't ready for the job. That admission now leaves "terrorists living in caves" as the only people in the world who did not already know that. Lions fans greeted news of Sr.'s admission with the same mixture of pity and amusement as they would if an 18-month old toddler had just informed them that water is wet. "Ahhhhhh.........isn't that cuuuuuuuuute. Honey! Come here! He just said something really, really obvious! Hopefully he does it again. Uh oh.....spit up."

But when asked the obvious follow-up question of whether he thought he supported Millen for too long, Sr. solidified his position atop the "Did He Really Fucking Say That?" leaderboard by responding with an unequivocal and highly confident, "Well, maybe." Upon hearing that answer, Martin Mayhew and Tom Lewand threw their panties on the stage. Figuratively. Literally, they ran through Allen Park high-fiving the employees and yelling "8 more years! 8 more years!" while Ozzie's "Crazy Train" blared over the intercom.

Sr. then put the nut-job title completely out of reach of other contenders when he followed that up with, "I think circumstances and timing were important. You don't want to jump ship after two games or one game. When the fans were really getting fed up, it's like 'OK, it's time to make a move.' I thought about it obviously. The timing just worked out the way it did."

To even attempt to understand the meaning behind that quote would probably require the perfect combination of weed, tequila, peyote and, and...fuck, I dunno...cobra venom.

Sans the cobra venom, the only way to possibly decipher old-man-crazy is to maybe parse it out. Let's start with, "You don't want to jump ship after two games or one game." Hmmmm. Unless this is some sort of "hours seem like minutes, years seem like games" analogy, then...um...I got nothin'. Like, if he would've said, "You don't want to jump ship after two years or one year," then OK. Gotcha. You, me, same page. Otherwise....um....yeah, I got nothin'.

Moving on. "When the fans were really getting fed up, it's like 'OK, it's time to make a move.'" The question here is, what does he mean by "fed up?" Years of fans holding up Fire Millen signs at games? Fans staging the Millen Man March? Fans not selling out the stadium anymore and not buying food and beer and not paying for parking and.........oh. Never mind.

And Lions fans everywhere should be relieved to know that unlike the recent past, Sr. made all of the top hires this year "solely" on his own. Well, whew. I feel so much better now. I mean, because I think I can speak for all Lions fans when I say that we long for the un-recent past when Sr. was making decisions "solely" on his own, and the Lions were consistently making the playoffs, and winning Super Bowls and......what? Really? They sucked giant donkey dick back then, too? Oh.

I'm not one to judge, but I do it anyway, and I'm pretty certain that Sr.'s 40+ year attempt to build a football team has actually turned out worse than God's attempt at making Chastity Bono. And speaking of Chastity Bono, if there was ever a reason to support late term abortion, it's her. And by "late term", I mean like the 160th trimester.