Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Kansas]

Just wanted to bump this before it fell off the board. I'll be ranting soon.

[bimmer84]

Right after the Stafford pick? Or does it matter?

[Sharkbait]

Looking forward to it, Kansas.

[YT]

With the contract May-chew and magic-Lewand gave Doughboy Matty, Kansas has alot of ammunition to blast the Lions with.

[Fraquar]

This is like giving Patton an extra 2 divisions of tanks.

[Panoptes]

bumping my favorite thread

No pressure KS

[-Deborah-]

While I miss Kansas' rants, more than that, I miss his comments around the forum. :(

[Kansas]

It sucks being a Lions fan. Here's an example.

During the Super Bowl this year, I was depressed and decided to go drown my sorrows at my favorite local watering hole and watch the game. I wore my Lions gear. I'm not sure why. I tried to convince myself that it was an act of loyalty and hope for the future, but I'm way too jaded for that. In reality, I suppose it was a sign of grief. Like wearing black to a funeral.

I was sitting at the bar, minding my own business, and pounding whiskey like I'd just finished a cattle drive when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and I'm face to face with a big doofus covered head to toe in Cardinals gear who introduced himself by saying he was a "life-long Cardinals fan."

Now, I don't know for sure that this guy was a bandwagon jumpin' piece of shit, but I do know for sure that people who would most likely be life-long Arizona Cardinals fans don't move to my part of the country voluntarily unless they hate dentists and pavement. In fact, people flee this part of the country for places like Arizona like they're catching the last chopper out of Nam.

The whiskey's telling me he's a bandwagon jumpin' piece of shit and I'm in no mood to talk him.

But it doesn't matter. He leans in way too close to my face and hollers over the crowd noise, "Are you really a Lions fan?!? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" It was obvious at that moment that he'd never even seen a dentist before, so my initial impression was most likely the correct one. Bandwagon jumper.

I answered him with a simple, "Yes." Following is the rest of the conversation:

Doofus: And you admit it?!? Gawd they suck, man! 0 and 16! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Me: That's step one of Lions fans' therapy. Admitting we have a problem.
Doofus: Ha! Ha! What's step 2, dude? Suicide? Ha! Ha!
Me: Actually, it's life in prison or the death penalty. It depends.
Doofus: Depends on what?
Me: The state we're in when we're forced to disembowel bandwagon jumpin' assholes like you with the jagged edge of a broken beer bottle because you won't leave us the fuck alone. In this state, it's the death penalty and I'm beginning to think, in your case, it might be worth it. Bartender! Bottle of Bud, please!

Why do people feel they have to rub 0-16 in our faces? Especially a Cardinals fan. We know the Lions suck. We know they've sucked. We know they will suck. Going winless is the epitome of suck and, believe it or not, it's not my fault. I just happen to be a fan. I had as much to do with putting that team on the field as I did with Obama getting elected. In fact, if my vote counted, Larry The Cable Guy would be president and Aaron Currey would be a Lion. The front office is damn lucky they got Foote. Now if they'd only get a Braine.

Another thing, Stafford will be starting from day one. Anything being said to the contrary is just fart-speak to lull the masses into thinking that the Lions new regime might actually know what they're doing. Peter King says he'll be starting by Halloween. Hell, by Halloween he'll be an episode on NCIS. "There's not enough left for a body bag, DiNozzo. Better get the Shamwow."

And no, Stafford, I am not gonna call you Matthew. I mean, who the fuck am I? Festus? I'll tell you what. I'll call you Matthew when you gun down a horse thief in the streets of Dodge City and bang a red-headed saloon owner. Until then, you're Matt. You're a pro football player fer crissake.

And no, Matt, I don't think you're our savior, but you may be God. Cuz with your guaranteed money you could go to any strip joint on the planet and make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights for a freakin' decade. Take that, Pacman, you punk ass.

One more thing, Stafford. When you do go to the strip joint, take Backus with you and plant a concealed weapon on him. Make sure the safety's off and it has a hairpin trigger. Then buy him lap dances until the thing shoots him in the leg. Cuz the only way he's not going to be unprotectecting your blind side is if Gooddell thinks he pulled a Plaxico. And while you're at it, drown a bunch of pitbulls and throw 'em in Raiola's back yard. It's your only hope.

[Panoptes]

Bartender, I want to buy that poor soul over there in the Lions jersey a double shot of your most honery whis(hiccup)key.

Poor bastard needs it more than I do.

[-Deborah-]

Those poor pitbulls. :(

lol @ Cardinals fans laughing at us. That really is depressing.

[unknown lions fan]

Festus - lol...

I didn't even know he wanted to be called "Matthew." You know, there was a time on this forum when I would have been embarrassed to admit I didn't know all the in's and out's of Lions news and preseason trivia.

[YT]

I loved how you worked NCIS and Shamwow into your post. Classic!

[Sharkbait]

Thanks Kansas, how far has that dog run?

[kayrone]

The front office is damn lucky they got Foote. Now if they'd only get a Braine.

my favorite parte.

[Coop]

dang Kansaw...you just admitted to watching "Gunsmoke"