Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Kansas]

Jun 21, 2002 8:56 am

Reporting Live From The College World Series

Well, it's almost over. Clemson takes on the South Carolina Gamecocks today in a showdown to see who meets Texas in the championship game on Saturday.

Probably the most interesting thing about this year's tournament is the fact that most South Carolina fans don't put the word "Game" in front of their mascot name. In fact, one of their favorite sayings is "Y'all can't lick our Cocks!!"

As a personal assignment, I took it upon myself to learn as much as I could about the Cocks. Being somewhat curious and to fill you guys in on some lesser known World Series statistics, I perused their roster and determined that the average Cock size is about 6'0" 190 lbs. The smallest Cock was a mere 5'10" 165 lbs. My favorite player is a guy named Yaron Peters. He's a big black Cock at 6'2" 224 lbs.

Wanting to find out more about Peters, I questioned every Cocks fan I could find asking, "Are y'all proud of Yarone Peters?" From the looks and comments I got, I can honestly say that Cocks fans everywhere are extremely proud of their very own Peters.

Probably the most exciting thing that happened to me was during pregame warmups I noticed a Cock loosely swinging by the dugout. I approached him and asked, "Are you Yarone Peters' best friend?" He said, "Yeah. He had some stiffness and swelling. The trainer is down in the locker room giving Peters a massage." So I said, "Dangit! I was hoping I could get a couple of Cocks and Peters to sign my balls." He said, "Hey, I'll be happy to sign your balls. Maybe if Yarone Peters' swelling goes down, he'll come over here too."

As he got closer, I realized that you don't get a good feel for the size of these Cocks until you get to see them in person. In fact, he was probably one of the biggest Cocks I had seen yet. As he grabbed my balls, I can tell you that it was a thrill I won't long forget.

Now I know what they mean when they talk about the College World Series experience.

[Kansas]

Aug 15, 2002 2:09 pm

Preseason Preview

I really don’t know where to begin. After coming off a horrendous 2-14 season, I was cautiously optimistic that our beloved Lions would somehow rebound and at least demonstrate a working knowledge of the game of football. But then I witnessed the first pre-season game. It was like watching Muhammed Ali try to write his name with an Etch-A-Sketch.

The game did draw some interest, however. We all wanted to see how the quarterbacks performed, and just as expected the much anticipated quarterback controversy arrived after just one preseason game. Mike McMahon goes 8-20, an accuracy rate equal to an armless man at a urinal. Joey Harrington got the nod in the 2nd half and demonstrated that he could at least hit the urinal cake, although he occasionally splashed some on his shoes.

I’ve been doing some thinking. Do you think McMahon can’t throw because he shaves off body hair? I mean, my wife shaves off body hair (legs, armpits, upper lip, back), and she can't throw either. Coincidence?

And then we have our............<cough>...........starting offensive line. OK, they were missing Backus, who cost me five years off my life when his knee injury was reported (which, by the way, I can’t afford if I want to see the Lions in a Super Bowl before I die). But, geez, I thought they were supposed to gel, not petrify. Our interior line makes me yearn for the likes of Mike Compton, the self-proclaimed single greatest Lions interior lineman since Ken Dallafior hung up his cleats. The only position that seems solidified for the foreseeable future is left tackle.

On the right side of the line we have oft-injured Stockar McDougle taking up the space where Aaron Gibson beached himself. This guy could sprain something sleeping. This is a day in the life of McDougle with the trainer:

Does that hurt? Yes. Does this hurt? Yes. Turn around. I can’t. Why? It hurts. Touch your toes. I can’t. Why? They hurt. Your toes hurt? I got ingrown toenails. Bend over. Ow! I haven’t done anything yet. Oh. How about this? That hurts too. I’m just taking your pulse! Yeah, well I got a scab on my wrist! OK, let’s test your reflexes. Ouch! What? My knee, my knee, AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Speaking of Aaron Gibson, something has really been bugging me lately. Our offensive line is horrible. And being the big M&M supporter that I am, I find it extremely difficult to question their offseason moves when I know they are attempting to dismantle an entire team and build for the future. BUT, considering the total lack of talent and depth on our offensive line, the release of Aaron Gibson by the Lions front office begs a serious question..............................would you rather have a million dollars or Gibson’s head filled with nickels?

[Kansas]

This one goes WAY back.

Aug 16, 2002 10:27 am

Week 1 – Lions vs. Packers –

Pregame Commentary

It’s game 1 of the new M&M regime, and it takes us to the thawed tundra of Green Bay. I’ll bet they’re watering down the field right now to slow down our linebackers.

In recent years, our offensive line has been to Charlie what the Marginot Line was to the French. Our OL was so bad Charlie looked like Reginald Denny at an LA traffic light. But this year is supposed to be different. Backus, Beverly and Stai aren’t flashy, but solid. Stockar was reportedly fat, out of shape, missed most of training camp and the pre-season with a groin pull, and still beats out Semple. GEEK! GEEK! GEEK!

Semple is so bad I can honestly say he might be better if he had both his arms cut off. In fact, maybe we should have a ceremonial pre-game dislocation of his elbow. Ya know, to kinda fire up the troops. And that leaves Gibson at RT. This guy is about as healthy as Chris Farley after a weekend bender. Besides his shoulders, most recently he had another concussion. I think he keeps getting concussions cuz he’s got a normal-sized brain inside a 10 gallon cranium. Hell, his helmet size is XX-Melon. His brain is sloshin’ around in there like a goldfish in an earthquake.

Word on the street is that the Lions didn’t display any more than a fraction of their new offense in the preseason. I hope it was a smaller fraction than, say, 9-tenths. The guy to really watch (other than Charlie) is Herman Moore. The last couple of years, Moore was being shunned like an Amish kid with a nipple ring. But, Moore says he’s excited about the upcoming year and is "mentally back". To prove it, he bought a $250,000 Ferrari. Wow. I guess the Hope diamond would have been considered too gauche. And to think, when I reward myself, I buy Budweiser instead of Busch.

Another guy to watch is David Sloan. He hasn’t changed a bit. Which is great if this was his high school reunion. Turf toe, turf toe, turf toe, broken hand. Fer crissakes, wrap yourself up in bubble plastic, climb in a padded cardboard box, dump in some styrofoam peanuts and just lay there til game day.

The Packers have Favre. The brain trust promised him that they’d surround him with weapons. They just forgot to tell him it wouldn’t be this year. Favre has Green, Levens, Schroeder and Freeman. Freeman’s coming off a concussion from a massive hit by Denver’s Eric Brown. In response to that, Gene Washington fined and suspended Mark Carrier. Green and Levens are hurting, and Schroeder is a decent #2, but he’s like Magellan without a compass when it comes to finding the end zone.

On defense, our secondary has gotten so thin that Weight Watcher’s paid ‘em a million dollars. And our DL, supposedly the strength of the defense, got run over like a Chinese protester. Tobin tells us it’s cuz we didn’t want to show anything. Well............he succeeded. I don’t want to sound pessimistic about our D, but our run defense was not good, our linebackers are slow, our secondary hands out 3rd and longs like condoms at a public high school, and, worst of all, Kowalkowski made the team. I mean, is this guy ever going to leave? He keeps treading water like a Cuban shortstop in a capsized dinghy.

But, I’m going to believe our coaches when they say they showed nothing during the preseason. I have to trust them. It’s the only thing that keeps some glimmer of hope alive. With Green Bay’s injuries and other lack of offensive weapons, I feel pretty good about this game. We may even be able to pull this one out.

[Kansas]

Well, I had Ricky Williams pegged on this one.

Sep 8, 2002 8:42 am

Pregame Commentary – Week 1 – Lions vs. Dolphins

Great. The Miami Dolphins rank #1 against the pass. Not good considering the passing accuracy of our starting quarterback hovers somewhere around the percentage of Tampa Buccaneer Cheerleaders I wouldn’t do. With McMahon at the helm, the OL has to blow open some holes so that our running game gets on track early and.............................what the hell am I saying?

Actually (since I don't think we're going to score much),the key to the game is to stop the Dolphins offense and especially Ricky Williams, the only running back in the NFL with a tongue stud. Can this guy do anything else to make himself even less attractive? Like the dreadlocks weren’t enough. Here’s an idea, Shaka Zulu. Why don’t you just put a bone through your nose and complete the look. I mean, this dude is weird. Can he run? Sure.......................and thank God for that. Otherwise, he’d be out in the real world interviewing for shelf stocker at the Walmart wearing a welder’s mask and a burka.

But really, for us to be competitive in this game our defense has to set the tone and make Fiedler beat us, which means our corners have to stop Gadsden and Chambers, prevent the big play, don’t allow any 3rd and long conver....................................what the hell am I saying?

Last year our defense lacked killer instinct. In fact, last year it was less dangerous than Brentwood, and our cornerback situation is still questionable at best. Lyght and Davis have been so bad in the pre-season that there’s been a lot of talk from fans and media alike that we should play the younger cornerbacks and let them learn on the job. So, what is Marty waiting on? For them to break a hip? Frankly, starting the younger guys really doesn’t take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question for Marty is...................................who’s putting on your pants? It’s not like he has any qualms about benching or purging "experienced" players. For the last few weeks, he’s been cutting veterans right and left.........................hell, Anna Kournikova hasn’t lost as many first rounders as we have. Play the youngsters, let ‘em take their lumps and make a run next year.

Too sum up, I’m not sure if we can win this game, but I’m always optimistic. In 1983 I once bet $500 on the Generals to beat the Globetrotters..................................... I thought they were due. But in all honesty, I think the Lions winning this game has about the same chance of happening as Brook Burke handing me my pants and French kissing me goodnight.

[Kansas]

Sep 19, 2002 1:14 pm

Commentary – Week 3

Thirty-five years. Thirty-five years down the drain. That’s how long I’ve waited for this Lions franchise to turn it around. I feel like Bluto Blutarsky going for his doctorate.

And in those 35 years, I’ve seen a lot of weird shit. I’ve seen Michael Jackson go from being a black man to a white man to a white girl. I’ve seen a US president almost removed from office for using his cigar as a vaginal swab. I’ve seen white guys stuck at traffic lights singing to rap music. Hell, forget that. I’ve actually seen rap music become popular. I’ve seen a movie starring Kevin Costner win Best Picture. I’ve seen the rise of X-games where 15-year-old boys sterilize themselves on bike frames and stair rails. I’ve seen the fall of the Soviet Union, the Berlin Wall, and the World Trade Center. But I have never............NEVER...........seen the Lions in a Super Bowl.

In my 34th year of rooting for these sad sacks, I thought that finally the owners had had enough and were ready to make some bold moves to make this franchise a winner. So, they hired Matt Millen, the charismatic ex-announcer who was given huge dollars for a job he’d never done, and may never do again.

And, boy, the hopes were high. Matt came in and cleaned house like Tangina in Poltergeist. "I have ex-or-ciiiiiiiiiiiiiiized the demons! This house is clean." Veterans, first round draft picks, fan favorites, janitors, equipment boys..............didn’t matter. They all had to go. Too bad when the house was finally cleaned we found out Matt had dog crap on his shoe.

The hiring of Marty Mornhinweg turned out to be a reach at best. At worst, it was a decision rivaled by the TV executive who thought Cop Rock was worthy primetime viewing. As a huge fan of M&M’s, I was shocked when I found out that they really do melt in your hand. As an avid supporter of Matt and Marty, I was shocked when I found out they don’t have a freakin’ clue.

Matt’s free agency acquisitions are as difficult to comprehend as the almost unnatural pregnancy rate of women meteorologists working on the Weather Channel. My gawd, I watch the Weather Channel once every blue moon and every time I do there’s some knocked up sweetheart with her tummy blocking out all of Texas pointing to high pressure areas and cold fronts. "Do isobars make you horny, baby?"

Anyways.................and what exactly is Marty’s plan for our QB development? Bill Gates had a plan. Ghandi had a plan. Marty has a plan only Custer could love. Suicide by quarterback carousel. I’ve seen his interviews; I’ve read his quotes in the newspaper. And to be honest, I understood more English watching the Latin Grammy Awards last night. Have you ever noticed, when he talks, he always has those raised eyebrows like someone just shoved a Popsicle up his ass? Ummmmmmm...................not that I would know...........ummmmm..............what your eyebrows do when............................uh, never mind.

Let’s talk about our offense................well, OK................just pretend we have one. Hakim has hands that make David Sloan look like Fred Biletnikoff. And Bill Schroeder? I haven’t seen shorter arms since Jurassic Park II. "I'm supposed to throttle down and he's supposed to throw it to me in the hole." Yeah, whatever, Bill. What you really meant was, "I’m gonna throttle down when we’re getting our asses handed to us and a slant pattern is called where I’m about to get my freakin’ head knocked off." At least I could respect that answer.

Really, the only bright spots are Ricks and Anderson. Aveion Cason and Lamont Warren? Never in the course of football conflict has so little been done to so many by so few. Let’s put this in perspective. If President Bush goes down, we have Vice President Cheney ready to step in and preserve the government of the United States. Considering his pacemaker could short circuit at any moment, not exactly a great backup, but he is at least serviceable as long as the defibrillator isn’t very far away. If James Stewart goes down, we get our choice of the political equivalent of Dan Quayle or Admiral Stockdale.

And what about Stockar McDougal? He needed double-team help from Schlesinger to keep a rookie away from our quarterback. His head will be next on the chopping block followed fairly by Chris "Farley" Claiborne. Ross’ first round draft picks are proving to have the shelf life of an open jar of mayonnaise.

Ya know, I had hopes this season. I was blinded by the hyperbole, the spin, the.............I dunno.............the sheer fanatical desire of a die-hard homer that the Lions could turn it all around this season.

This just in from Lionshomer.com:

WE SUCK!!

[Kansas]

Oct 3, 2002 12:44 pm

Wow. I was so excited after that game I felt like a 10-year-old schoolgirl riding a vibrating Harry Potter broomstick while Bolero played in the background. And just when you realize how great that feeling is and how you can't wait to feel it again, your mom reads a newspaper article written by some frigid, prude consumer advocate and removes the batteries from the broomstick and hides the Ravel CD and extra batteries in the bottom of her underwear drawer. Because, after all, you are a Lions fan and it's for your own good.

See, I’ve been there before. I’ve fallen for the excitement, and giddiness, and delirium that comes with the 6-2 starts, the 8 game win streaks, playoff berths, the NFC Championship game, the victories over talented, undefeated teams; and what did that end up getting me? Thrilling memories that will last forever? No. Maalox moments. So I’m not doing it again. Huh uh. My hopes have been high before - sky high. But then they always come crashing back to earth like they were stowed in the cargo bay of the space shuttle Challenger, where they sink to the ocean floor, become fish food, and wind up hanging from the butt hole of an Atlantic mackerel.

Well, I don’t know about you, but this time I don’t want my hopes hanging from the butt hole of an Atlantic mackerel. I want my hopes just where they are, thank you very much - securely fastened to the lead balloon that is the history of the last 45 years of Detroit Lions football.

And can you blame me? I mean, let’s face it, we fans have been treated pretty poorly in this relationship. The Lions are like a coked up Ike Turner. They punch you in the face with stupid two-point conversions. They kick you in the ribs with poorly thrown passes that are returned for touchdowns in overtime. They pull out your hair with bad drafts and terrible free agent acquisitions. You try to run away, but nooooooooo.....................they catch you, and then they throw you on the sofa and beat you, and beat you, and beat you with dumb penalties, dropped passes, horrible blocking, blowout playoff losses! But finally, you break free! You pack your bags, and move in with your mother, hoping that the nightmare is over and swearing that you’ll never go back!

And then....................<sigh>................. ...they call you at your mom’s house; crying, begging, saying how sorry they are and that it will never happen again. And just to prove it, they show up later at your mom’s front door with a box of chocolates and a long-stemmed Saints victory. And what do you do? Well, you have Battered Lions Fan Syndrome. You have no choice. So you go running back to them with your fat lip and black eye thanking God that you got the bye week before they kick your teeth in again.

Well not me, baby. Not this time. Not until the Lions get some counseling. My hopes are staying right here on the ground where.................................hey! Joey!!! You come back here with my hopes right now!! JOEY!!!!!!!

dammit

Lions 31 – bye 0

[Kansas]

Oct 15, 2002 1:45 pm

EXCLUSIVE: Kansas Interviews God

Kansas: Hello, everybody. This is Kansas, and I’m here in Heaven sitting at the left hand of God – the Creator of the Universe, the Giver of Life, the Most High, the...

God: Oh, please stop. You’re embarrassing me.

Kansas: First of all, I’d like to thank God for allowing me to visit Heaven without having to strike me dead first.

God: Not a problem. I’m glad to have you. In fact, I haven’t had an interview since Moses came to the mountain. He was a regular Larry King. Grilled me for 40 days trying to get all my laws and commandments. I had hundreds of ‘em, but the little guy could only carry two of those heavy rock slabs, so you only got ten. It’s a darn shame.

Kansas: Interesting. I see that you have your hand on the seat to the right of you. Are you saving it for someone?

God: Yeah. Jesus is making an appearance in the mildew of a shower curtain of a little old lady who lives in an apartment building in Van Nuys. He loves freaking people out like that. If I don’t save his seat while he’s gone, the Pope always tries to take it.

Kansas: Which Pope is that?

God: All of ‘em! The egotistical little bastar...

Kansas: Oh. Well, let’s get right to it. God, for the last 45 years, the Lions haven’t won.....well.....anything. The main question that I and a lot of other Lions fans have for you is.....do you hate the Lions?

God: Well, I really haven’t gotten over that whole "throwing the Christians to the lions" thing. Ya know, I worked really hard to create Christianity and the lions sure didn’t help by eating the believers.

Kansas: Ummmmmmm.....I don’t mean to question your omniscience, but those were "real" lions, and that happened hundreds and hundreds of years ago.

God: Really. Seems like just yesterday to me.

Kansas: So does that mean you really do hate the Lions?

God: Look, there are some good guys on the Lions; some true believers. But sometimes I do things to just mess with ‘em, ya know what I mean?

Kansas: You mean like the time Eddie Murray missed the field goal against the 49ers?

God: Yep, that was me.

Kansas: How about the Bears running back the kickoff in overtime in the 1980 Thanksgiving game?

God: Me.

Kansas: Rodney Peete in the ’95 playoff game?

God: Me.

Kansas: The two point conversions in Arizona? The ’91 NFC Championship game? Billy Sims’ blown knee? Barry Sanders’ retirement?

God: Me, me, me, and me.

Kansas: Scott Mitchell?!?

God: No, no, no. That was Satan’s doing. It did crack me up though.

Kansas: You mentioned that there are some good guys on the Lions team. Let’s talk about a few of them. How do you feel about Az Hakim?

God: Hang on a minute. MARY!!! Could you please bring me the Book of Lives!!..........<Mary walks over and hands God a huge book>..........Thank you, sweetheart.

Kansas: Wow. She’s pretty.

God: Hey, you don’t think I’d impregnate a repulsive pig, do ya? I’m God, not Tom Arnold. OK, lemme see if I can find him here in the Book of Lives........Hakim, Hakim, Hakim........ah! Here he is. Yeah, I remember him now. He’s the little Muslim guy. Ya know, I’m not sure if the Muslims are for me or against me. I mean, they do a lot of praying, but then they do weird things in my name like blowing up buses and flying airplanes into buildings. So, sometimes I make him drop an easy pass or two. But, to make up for it, I blessed him with speed..........or was it quickness. Hmph, I can’t remember anymore. I’m gettin’ a little old, ya know? <Punches me in the arm>

Kansas: Uh huh. What about Todd Lyght?

God: Let’s see........Lyght, Lyght, Lyght........ah, yes. Here he is. Hmmmmmmmmm.....that’s interesting. Apparently Todd should’ve died of old age in 1997. I’m gonna have to make a quick note and follow up with Gabriel.

Kansas: No, no, no. That’s OK. I probably shouldn’t have brought him up. Ummmm.....what about Joey Harrington? Nice Catholic kid. You shouldn’t have any problems with him, right?

God: Lessee here.....Harrington, Harrington..........uh oh. It says here that he’s gay. You know how I feel about homosexuality. I mean, just look what I did to Sodom and Gomor...

Kansas: NO! I mean, I hate to interrupt, but I think you’re book is mistaken. I think that was just a misinterpretation from an interview that he had with a news reporter.

God: Well, says here that he lives with a guy, plays the piano and his favorite video game is Ms. Pacman. And his name is Joey, after all. Not just plain ol' Joe, or a manly name like Gunther, or Lyle. I mean, if that’s not proof enough that he’s a flaming...

Kansas: NO! Heh, heh. No, God, really. I...I...I think it’s all just a big mistake. I mean, Joey has a girlfriend and everything. In fact, from what I understand she is quite attractive and I’m sure if you look closer in the book you’ll find that it’s just all one big misunder...

God: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Boy, I really got ya good with that one! <punches me in the arm again> HAHAHAHA!!! You shoulda seen the look on your face!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

Kansas: You mean...........Joey’s not gay?

God: Of course not, son. It was just a gag. Bobby Layne put me up to it. He thought it’d be funny.

Kansas: Oh, thank God.

God: Your welcome.

Kansas: So, one more question. Do you think you can help the Lions out a little bit? I mean...ya know...get them to the Super Bowl?

God: With your defense?!?!? Son, look. A miracle like that would make the parting of the Red Sea look like a cheap card trick. Everyone would know without a doubt that I truly do exist. I might as well just call down in a mighty voice saying, "I AM HERE!!!" Know what I mean? Could you imagine if everyone on the planet suddenly believed in me? No more wars, or murders, or robberies..........I mean, what kind of world would that be? I might as well just blow it up, bring you all to Heaven, and start all over again on some other planet.

Kansas: Ok, ok, ok. I get it. But, if not this year, could you at least get the Lions to a Super Bowl before I die?

God: Hmmmmmmm...................<looks in the Book of Lives>.....................Kansas, Kansas, Kans.....ah, here you are. Ummmmmmm, you better quit smoking.

[Kansas]

Dec 3, 2002 4:41 pm

So, I’m sitting there watching the Lions/Bears game. The Lions have a 3-point lead. It’s 4th and 20. About a minute left to go in the game, and the Lions are on the verge of victory. Here’s the snap and....................OMIGAWD!!! Miller fell down!! He fell down!! He fell dow............................oh, shit.

On those rare occasions when the Lions have a lead late in the game, do you ever find yourself saying, "Game over, man! Game over!", but you say it like Private Hudson in the movie Aliens? Yeah.................me too.

And then there was the New England game. Thanksgiving Day, national television, and our handsome, young, boy-next-door quarterback throws the ball away like his mom just told him if he touched it too long, he’d grow hair in his palms. And finally, there was...................The Drive. With the Lions surprisingly still in the game and in a "must stop" situation, the Patriots marched down the field, eating up the final 9:46 of the game clock while our beloved Lions mounted a defensive effort that made the French defense of their homeland against the German hordes seem almost heroic in comparison.

The Lions die so easy. If Bruce Willis ever made a movie with the Lions as inspiration, the terrorists would burst through door, Bruce would piss down his leg, and then he’d get shot in the heart before the opening credits scrolled off the screen. The remaining 2 ? hours of the movie would be a hodge-podge of scenes showing Nakatomi executives blaming the successful terrorist attack on everything from holes in the security system to the age and incompetency of the guards they were forced to hire due to budget constraints.

Truthfully, I’d love to write a Drew Sharp-esque commentary lambasting Matt and Marty for the state of our Lions. Like my dear old Mom used to say, "If you can’t say anything nice about someone, then belittle and degrade them until they sulk away in shame and slit their wrists." But, as my dad lay in the emergency room getting his wrists sewn up and a blood transfusion.................again, he told me that perhaps my mom’s way of doing things might not always be the best approach.

I mean, Matt and Marty may not have a clue, but even a boob could guide a team of professional, athletically gifted men to more than 5 wins in two years. Right?? So there must be something more devious at work here. From the last commentary, we know that God isn’t exactly on our side, but he doesn’t hate us either. So what is it??

Well, after diligent research, I’ve discovered that the state of Michigan covers approximately 96,000 square miles, and Ford field covers approximately 1.85 million square feet. The odds have to be staggering. I mean, it’s almost statistically impossible.......but, the only explanation..................and I know this sounds crazy..................but the only explanation is that somehow the Fords went and built their dome on another sacred Indian burial ground.

I know!!! I don’t believe it either!! But what else could it be?!? According to my calculations, in order for another dome to be built on top of another sacred Indian burial ground, the Native American population in Michigan at the absolute height of their existence would have been 3.6 billion Indians. There must've been a burial ground every..................geez, I dunno...................every 200 or 300 feet! They had to be dropping like flies! I'm guessing Dano's great, great, great grandpa started a syphillis epidemic the likes we've never seen. I mean, there has to be literally no land space available in the state of Michigan where you could erect a building without disturbing the spirits of some long dead chieftain and his warriors. And I tell you what.............................they're pissed.

[-Deborah-]

I'm guessing Dano's great, great, great grandpa started a syphillis epidemic the likes we've never seen.

hahaha

[Kansas]

This is one of my personal favorites.

Dec 4, 2002 11:14 am

Alex Trebek: Hello! My name is Alex Trebek, and welcome to Lions Jeopardy! The game where the answers - and questions - only make sense if you’re a coach or executive in the Detroit Lions organization. Today our competitors are Team President Matt Millen, Head Coach Marty Mornhinweg, and replacing WCF Sr. – who has the flu – is Executive Director of Player Personnel Bill Tobin. Welcome, gentlemen. Let’s take a look at today’s Jeopardy categories. We have Potent Potables, Free Agency, Players, and Six. Just so you know, in the last category, the answer will always be "six". Matt, you have the board.

Matt Millen: Alex, I’ll take Free Agency for $100.

Alex: And the answer is: 34 <beep, beep, beep> Bill Tobin.

Bill Tobin: What number does James Stewart wear?

Alex: Oooooooooooo, sorry. <beep, beep, beep> Matt Millen.

Matt: What is the age that a free agent cornerback reaches his physical peak?

Alex: Correct! Pick again.

Matt: Ummmmm, I’ll take Six for $100, Alex.

Alex: And the answer is: Six <beep, beep, beep> Bill.

Bill: Alex, it’s the number of signed contracts that are needed after a player and the team have agreed to terms. One goes to the player, another to the team, another to the player’s agent, another to the league office, and the others to two, geographically dispersed locations for safe storage in a reinforced, fire-proof vault.

Alex: Ooooooooooo, sorry. And please remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question. <beep, beep, beep> Marty.

Marty Mornhinweg: Alex, what is the number of inches the Lions can’t run for on 3rd down?

Alex: Correct! We also would’ve accepted - The number of inches the Lions cannot get on 4th down. Marty, you have the board.

Bill: Wait a minute!! My answer was correct too.

Alex: Bill, remember, you have to answer like a clueless Lions executive. Pretend you're WCF Sr. Go ahead, Marty.

Marty: I’ll take Potent Potables for $200.

Alex: And the answer is: Drunk. <beep, beep, beep> Matt.

Matt: What was I when I hired Marty?

Alex: Correct! We also would have accepted – What was WCF when he hired Matt? What was Marty during the last Chicago game? Or What has Matt been during the entire Free Agency period? Matt, you have the board.

Bill: This is stupid.

Alex: Now you’re getting it, Bill. Go ahead, Matt.

Matt: Alex, I’ll take Players for $400.

Alex: And the answer is: Devout Coward. <beep, beep, beep> Bill.

Bill: What bonehead, stupid thing did..........ummmmm, I mean........what motivational, inspirational thing did Matt Millen call one of his players on a Chicago radio program?

Alex: Oooooooooo, sorry. Nice try. Now you’re thinking like a Lion executive, but that is not the question we are looking for. <beep, beep, beep> Matt again.

Matt: Who is Scotty Anderson?

Alex: Correct! We also would have accepted - Who is Bill Schroeder, Robert Porcher, Luther Ellis, Chris Claiborne, Jeff Backus, Az Hakim, Eric Davis, Stockar McDougle, Todd Lyght, Dominic Raiola, Germane Crowell, Mikhael Ricks, Shaun Rogers, Aveion Cason, Tony Semple, Barrett Green, or Desmond Howard. Choose again, Matt.

Matt: I’ll take Six for $1000.

Alex: And the answer is: Six. <beep, beep, beep> Bill.

Bill: Ummmmmmm...............lessee................oh! I know............How many years does it take to turn around a losing football franchise?

Alex: Correct! Nice job, Bill. You’re on the plus side. We also would have accepted the number of years it takes a quarterback to learn the West Coast offense. And that takes us to Final Lions Jeopardy. Matt Millen has the lead with $700, followed by Bill Tobin with $400, and Marty trailing with only $100. The Final Lions Jeopardy category is: Overtime. Please place your bets now.

OK, the Final Lions Jeopardy answer is: "Take the win." Please write down your answers now, and remember to phrase them in the form of a question.

<Jeopardy music>

All right, time’s up. Since this is Lions Jeopardy, we’ll do everything backwards and start with the player who has the most points. Matt, what did you write down?

Matt: What did we allow Chicago to do to us in overtime on their first possession?

Alex: Ooooooooooooo, sorry. And you wagered? Everything, bringing your total to zero. I don’t know, Matt, but that’s kinda dumb to wager everything when you had a sizeable lead.

Matt: You wanna wrestle, Alex? Come on! It’s go time, baby!

Alex: Ummmmmmm, no. Let’s go next to Bill Tobin. Bill, what did you write down?

Bill: I couldn’t think of anything stupid enough to write down, Alex.

Alex: Ooooooooo, sorry. You also wagered everything, bringing your total to zero. Now, let’s go to Marty Morhinweg. Marty, what did you write down?

Marty: What did I tell the guys to do when I sent them out for the overtime coin toss? See, I didn’t know we actually played more football. I thought if you won the toss then..........you know............you won the game. So when the guys asked me what I wanted them to do if they won the toss, I said, "Sheesh. Take the win." And I think they misunderstood me and thought I said, "Take the wind" or something like that. I mean, geez, it was all just so confusing and...

Alex: That’s correct!!!

Bill: Oh gawd.

Alex: And your new Lions Jeopardy Champion is Marty Mornhinweg! We’ll see you all next time on.............Lions Jeopardy! Good night.

[-Deborah-]

One of my faves!

[Kansas]

Well, it finally happened. Complete and total apathy has set in. I watched that last Lions/Titans game with the same interest as I would the three-hour season finale of Fox network’s Queer Eye For My Big Fat Obnoxious Millionaire Apprentice Blind Date Who Might Be My Daddy……….um……..Guy.

In a season where just being average could get you into the playoffs, the Lions collapsed easier than the wooden tower in a Jenga game pitting Muhammed Ali against Michael J. Fox. And it’s a darn shame too, because all the Lions really needed to do to get me back on the "Wait 'Til Next Year" bandwagon was show some modicum of improvement, some snail-like advancement toward mediocrity, some speck of respectability. And, no, I don’t mean just one more win than the year before. I mean where they were prior to Black Tuesday January 9, 2001. The date Matt Millen was hired. The same Black Tuesday that triggered the last four years of the Great Regression.

Right now, I’m easy. Just a measly 8-8 record and a first round ass kicking in the playoffs would’ve actually made me quite happy. And it really doesn’t take much to make me happy. I don’t need fancy cars, designer clothes or expensive toys. I mean, I come from a family where teeth are considered bling. All I really want before I die is to see the Lions win the Super Bowl.

Screw killing Osama Bin Laden. Screw Iraqi freedom. Screw suitcase nukes and terrorist threats. Hell, screw world peace altogether. All I want is the Lions in a Super Bowl. But after this season, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it will never happen. Therefore, it’s time to switch goals. If I’m going to die happy then – dammit - I want to die in a forty-foot tall tsunami after 5 days of hot monkey sex in a Thai beach bungalow with a Victoria’s Secret supermodel. And if the Lions win a home playoff game before that, then I might consider trading the Victoria’s Secret supermodel for Janeane Garofalo, but they would have to cover.

So let’s analyze what the Lions have to do to win a home playoff game. First of all, Joey has to get more accurate. If Lee Harvey Oswald had Joey’s accuracy, he would’ve aimed at JFK’s head and ended up shooting the second gunman on the Grassy Knoll, sparing us all 43 years of lame conspiracy theories and “Camelot” documentaries.

Secondly, when Joey actually is accurate, the receivers have to catch the ball. I don’t know what kind of disease these guys have, but I think Az Hakim is a carrier, and now he’s given it to Roy Williams. Az is like the Typhoid Mary of brick hands, and he needs to be quarantined in some other NFL city before he can infect any more Lions.

Charles Rogers. Charles is like that first condom I bought when I was fifteen. Ya know, just in case. And by the time I was 17, that same condom had worn a ring in the leather of my wallet because it had still never been used. Well, Charles, get ready. Cuz it’s Prom Night, baby, and I got a litre of Jack and the school slut is my date. If you break after 30 seconds this time, I’m naming my firstborn syphilis sore after you.

Fernando Bryant. I’m waiting for a postgame press conference where all the cameras are rolling and Killer Kowalski asks Fernando why he was playing 15 yards off the line of scrimmage on a crucial 3rd and 5, and Fernando stands up, peels off his face like a Halloween mask, and reveals he is actually………………….TERRY FAIR!!!! AGGGGHHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! RUN FOR YOUR………….ok, he was injured most of the year. But, geez. This guy has Third Downs Syndrome. “Yea! He caught the ball! Yea! Yea! He caught it again! Yea! Yea! Wow, Marvin Harrison is fast! Yea! He caught it again! Yea!”

Last but not least – the Safeties. If Saturday Night Live wrote a sketch about these guys then………….well, it wouldn’t be funny…………….but it would end with something about both of them living in a van down by the river. These guys suck, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don’t know what Terrence Holt did wrong, but he got sentenced Stalin-style. He’s making ice cubes out of glaciers in Jauron’s Siberian gulag while Marion and Walker patrol the Lions secondary like Stevie Wonder who lost a contact lens. I mean, if you can’t see Randy Moss flying by you on 3rd and a billion, then your driver’s license most certainly has the “legally blind” box checked. Maybe in Jauron’s simplistic way of thinking he doesn’t like Holt just because he likes the alliteration of Marion’s and Walkers first names. If I’m Holt, I'm taking no chances. I come back to training camp with my first name legally changed to Brerrence.

All right, that’s it for now. I could go on and on but it’s not worth it. I have to remember my apathy……………..and my Valium

[DanO]

Take the win. LOL. I must have missed that one.

GO LIONS "05" !!!

[-Deborah-]

I mean, I come from a family where teeth are considered bling.

laugh out loud funny lol

The Great Regression is perfect!!

[Timmy]

Funny shit Kansas!