Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Coop]

the bandwagon has transmission trouble, flattening tires, and is falling apart......in desperate need of a tune up......mechanic is in Minny ha ha....

[ARM]

I didn't want to derail the Optimigo bandwagon....................................yet.

So who gave you two months off? Your team is run by Matt Millen -- winning streaks or not, you should always be able to find funny/negative things to say.

[Coop]

that 6-2 thing made it a tad bit difficult...we all got kinda distracted from cracking on Millen...

Dear ARm,

Plz tell AP to sit out for another week.

Thx.

Yer buddy,

Coop

[ARM]

Plz tell AP to sit out for another week.

AD won't be a factor either way. If the Lions play like crap, the Vikes have enough to beat you even without him. If the Lions play good, AD (he prefers that to AP) coming off an injury shouldn't be that much difference than Taylor and Detroit will win. The guys with the sissy blue uni's control their own destiny.

[Newbomb Turk]

that is deacon blue and silver........

[Coop]

Ahem - Honolulu Blue and Silver, Mister ARM.....

[Kansas]

OK, I have to rant. I've been pretty quiet because there's some young guys that were all giddy about the 6-2 start and I didn't want to pee in their kool-aid. But now.........my bladder's full.

One thing you young guys need to know is that when discussing our beloved Lions, the P-word can only stand one for one thing.......................pussies. All you have to do to understand that is look back at last Sunday's game. The Lions controlled their own destiny and should have come out for that game highly motivated and ready to kick some Viking ass. Instead, they caved in like a Chinese coal mine. Of course, having the Lions control their own fate is sort of like having Micheal J. Fox shave your balls and Muhammed Ali perform the vasectomy. It's going to end badly.

I wasn't really shocked at the Lions performance against the Vikes. They are, after all, the Lions. I was, however, a little perplexed. Sort of like the first time I saw Carrot Top on TV after he discovered barbells and steroids. But at least Carrot Top took a little pride in himself and worked his ass off to make himself better. If he had the pride of the Lions, I'd be kicking beach sand in his face while throwing his stupid props at him.

But in all honestly, that game last Sunday was unwatchable. If Helen Keller would have been sitting in front of a TV during that game, she would've clawed her own eyes out. I knew the Lions defense was bad, even when they were winning. But, geez, I didn't know they were that bad. I'm not sure who's teaching these guys how to tackle, but the judges from Dancing With The Stars gave them a 9.

Not only did Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor totally emasculate the Lions defense, but Peterson juked Kenoy Kennedy so bad on a touchdown run that Kenoy's gynecologist later had to sutcher the tear in his perineum. The Lions entire defensive unit should get down on their knees every Monday night at Jon Kitna's house and thank the Good Lord Almighty that they play American football. Because if they were in Brazil, and if they were playing soccer, a mob of angry fans would hang them upside down in the town square and beat them like a goalie.

Speaking of Kitna, he says that some of his teammates are abandoning the ship. Well, I'm not sure what ship the Lions are on but I'm hoping it's named the Edmund Fitzgerald, cuz we don't want any survivors.

Kitna also made a bold prediction at the beginning of the year that the Lions would win 10 games this season. OK, folks. Grab your Lions decoder ring and follow along. For those of you who don't have a Lions decoder ring, you can purchase one for $299.99 at MakeFordRicher.com or its companion site, One-is-born-every-minute.com.

OK, let's see what happens when you decode "10 wins". The rings says that any prediction made by a Lions player involving the number of points they will score or how many games they will win will require you to use a Canadian-to-U.S. conversion chart. So, let me Google that up and..................um.....................yep... ...............here it is. Ten wins Canadian equals 6 wins U.S.

Kitna was right! And everyone thought he was crazy. Take that, ESPN!

Ya know, the one guy I'm having a real hard time trying to figure out is Mike Martz. I'm beginning to wonder if it was difficult for him to assimilate into human society after his spaceship crashed in the New Mexico desert. Seriously, doesn't he look like one of those aliens from Men In Black. I'll bet if you took a Noisy Cricket and blew his head off, it'd grow back.

His playbook supposedly has a couple of hundred pass plays in it. Apparently, 199 of those involve Kitna wearing big, floppy shoes and a red, foam-rubber nose. I'm thinking of hiring the Lions offense to play at my niece's 2nd birthday party in January................since they won't be doing anything anyway. The offense is just a complete and utter joke. When Martz calls a play through the headset, it has to start something like this:

"OK, Jon. Here we go. A priest, a rabbi, and Paris Hilton walk into a bar..........."

And then there's my favorite - Rod Marinelli. Every time I hear "pound the rock", "one snap at a time", "that's on me", blah, blah, blah - I just want to go all One-Flew-Over-The-Cuckoo's-Nest on him and put a pillow over his face while he's sleeping. But he's just too darn cute. He's like that old, adorable, senile grandpa in the nursing home, except when grandpa says, "It's on me," it means he spilled pudding on his shirt. I mean, look at him. He's waddling over there on the sidelines with that "Where am I?" look on his face and his pants pulled up to his neck. Seriously, his pants are so high and tight that when he throws the red flag Mike Piazza ducks. You just gotta love the guy.

But I will say this. If his "pound the rock', "one snap at a time" bullshit doesn't start working pretty quick, then it's going to start sounding like another old, adorable, senile grandpa we once had whose pet phrase was the highly motivational "I don't coach that crap!"

And when that happens, dear Lions fans, even the youngsters will commit to the Dark Side.

[-Deborah-]

Of course, having the Lions control their own fate is sort of like having Micheal J. Fox shave your balls and Muhammed Ali perform the vasectomy. It's going to end badly.

lol!

It's your analogies I like best. Good job.

[YT]

LOL! Another classic!

[Sharkbait]

Thanks Kansas, I needed that.

[Kansas]

For those of you who care, here's a pretty cool article about my son's baseball team. There's a lot of quotes from my son (his name is Nolan) and a picture of him. Hopefully the link still works. Since the article was written they've won two more games and have now won 7 in a row after a kinda lousy start.

http://www.fremonttribune.com/articles/2008/03/24/sports/college/doc47e492ac8f8c1196770492.txt

[FVD]

That's pretty cool Kansas, its hard to believe that you've got a kid in college now. Was Nolan Terry Fair Fan on here or was that your other son?

[Kansas]

Terry Fair Fan is my younger son, and somewhat of an idiot when it comes to picking his favorite Lions player (obviously). For those of you who have been around a long time, I used to post quite often and my nickname for Terry Fair was "Third and long" cuz he'd give it up like a passed out prom date.

Nolan is my older son. Brett is my younger son. Brett is a senior in high school and will also go on to play college baseball next year. He's had several offers already but he has not decided on a school. He's waiting to see other offers that will come this spring. They're playing the #1 ranked team in the state tonight (Brett's team is ranked 4), so we'll get a good idea of how good they really are.

I know a lot of you don't care about baseball and it is a football forum, but for those of you who have met me at the Forum games (and my sons), I just wanted to keep you posted on their progress.

Dano and Mark actually game out to see Nolan play some games when we went to Detroit for a National tourney when Nolan was 14 years old. I've always appreciated that and am keeping the ones who are interested up to date on his progress in college.

For those who don't care, hit the back button.

[Newbomb Turk]

Terry Fair Fan is my younger son, and somewhat of an idiot when it comes to picking his favorite Lions player (obviously). For those of you who have been around a long time, I used to post quite often and my nickname for Terry Fair was "Third and long" cuz he'd give it up like a passed out prom date.

Nolan is my older son. Brett is my younger son. Brett is a senior in high school and will also go on to play college baseball next year. He's had several offers already but he has not decided on a school. He's waiting to see other offers that will come this spring. They're playing the #1 ranked team in the state tonight (Brett's team is ranked 4), so we'll get a good idea of how good they really are.

I know a lot of you don't care about baseball and it is a football forum, but for those of you who have met me at the Forum games (and my sons), I just wanted to keep you posted on their progress.

Dano and Mark actually game out to see Nolan play some games when we went to Detroit for a National tourney when Nolan was 14 years old. I've always appreciated that and am keeping the ones who are interested up to date on his progress in college.

For those who don't care, hit the back button.

I feel ripped off, that wasn't funny at all :-D

[Newbomb Turk]

Terry Fair Fan is my younger son, and somewhat of an idiot when it comes to picking his favorite Lions player (obviously). For those of you who have been around a long time, I used to post quite often and my nickname for Terry Fair was "Third and long" cuz he'd give it up like a passed out prom date.

Nolan is my older son. Brett is my younger son. Brett is a senior in high school and will also go on to play college baseball next year. He's had several offers already but he has not decided on a school. He's waiting to see other offers that will come this spring. They're playing the #1 ranked team in the state tonight (Brett's team is ranked 4), so we'll get a good idea of how good they really are.

I know a lot of you don't care about baseball and it is a football forum, but for those of you who have met me at the Forum games (and my sons), I just wanted to keep you posted on their progress.

Dano and Mark actually game out to see Nolan play some games when we went to Detroit for a National tourney when Nolan was 14 years old. I've always appreciated that and am keeping the ones who are interested up to date on his progress in college.

For those who don't care, hit the back button.

I feel ripped off, that wasn't funny at all :-D

We like reading about the boys, Kansas, you just keep right on bragging... er posting