Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Kansas]

That's only because I sold my penis girth to Satan for the '91 season.

Talk about taking one for the team.

[NewOrleansLion]

Thanks for the sacrifice, Stack O'Dimes.

[DanO]

Why hasn't he given it back Kansas?

GO LIONS "07" !!!!!!!

[Kansas]

Because he gave me what he could - the Lions in the NFC Championship game.

He's a tough negotiator.

[dwt1]

plus Kansas wasn't given up much

[YT]

he gave all he could

[dwt1]

and some of somebody elses

[Daytona John]

Damn You Kansas! I told you to never use my name in Vain. God will get your for that.

Oh, that's right! You and I most likely won't see God. We will work for the Devil and keep WCF from starting up another football team in Hell.

Help us Lord!

[Kansas]

This is dedicated to Speedster, the young optimist.

There's a question that's really been bugging me lately.................like over the last 35 years. And that question is, what makes us Lions fans? And the bigger question is, why do we remain Lions fans? We're like.............we're like..............well shit, I'll say it.............we're like homosexuals. Nobody knows what causes it. Hell, ask a congressman and depending on his political party, the state he's from and what office he's running for you'll get answers ranging from God to genetics to free will.

I really don't subscribe to the free will theory about us Lions fans. Sure, you can be a fan for a few years when you're young and chock-full of optimism, but even an idiot pees on an electric fence just once. Even if you have a fetish for that kind of thing, you're movin' on to chain link or cedar pickets in a hurry. So, what's wrong with us? Why are we fans of this wretched franchise and why do we remain fans?

I'm leaning toward some sort of defect, hopefully genetic so that we have a built-in excuse. "Yeah, I'm a Lions fan but I'm missin' a chromosome. Nuthin' I can do about it. Pudding, please!" I'm certain it's not God screwing with us (he would've told me), and I'm pretty sure it's not a result of evolution because we would've been Darwined out of the football gene pool by at least the mid 80's. But, boy, will archaeologists be surprised when they start diggin' us up thousands of years from now. They'll think they found the freakin' Missing Link. We'll look like Cro-Magnons from slappin' ourselves in the forehead 20 times a week for 16 weeks (17 if you count draft day) for most of our adult lives. If they dig up Deb, some future Dr. Leakey will think he found the next Lucy until the Carbon-14 tests come back. "Eureka! Oops. Nope. Another damn Lions fans. Sheezus, this is like the La Brea Tar Pit of Lions fans."

For some reason I'm still a fan, but I don't even cheer for these guys any more. I think the last time I cheered even a single play was when they converted a 4th and 26 against the Rams......................last millenium. Gawd I miss ol' what's-his-name who threw that pass and ol' what's-her-name who caught it. Now I watch Lions games with the same disgust as I do watching my dog eat cat poop out of the litter box, except I keep slapping myself in my increasingly sloped forehead. Oh, come on. I'm not the only one. I see you guys on TV, sitting there in Ford Field, watching replays of the other team scoring like "CSI: Baghdad" is playing on the Jumbo-Tron. During home games last year you watched the Lions like you were a group of high school kids on a field trip to the morgue watching the coroner dissect a putrifying corpse.

I can almost understand how proximity to the team or having parents as fans could make you become a Lions fan. It doesn't explain why you're still a Lions fan, but I can understand it. But what the hell's wrong with me?!? I'm from Kansas fer crissakes, and my parents were Broncos fans. If it truly is a genetic defect, then when I was developing in the womb my chromosomes were doing the Hokey Pokey. Obviously the New England Patriots chromosome left his right foot out.

So let me wrap this up. So what makes us Lions fans? Well, we bleed Honolulu blue and, unfortunately, we don't live on Centauri-Omega 9. I'm just kidding with all this genetic stuff, although Johnny Cochran could make a strong case for it if he wasn't.........um..........dead. "If the cell doesn't split, they'll find you in a tar pit." No, in reality I became a Lions fan when I was five years old because I thought Lions were cool (that damn zoo). Well, that and the Cowardly Lion ended up saving Dorothy, but I digress. The bottom line is I liked Lions and I liked football. Put two and two together and............voila'.............Lions fan. I'm just really, really pissed there wasn't the San Francisco Firemen or the New England Astronauts.

[Sharkbait]

Bravo !!

[Timmy]

"If the cell doesn't split, they'll find you in a tar pit."

Dammit Kansas my co-workers are looking at me sideways for laughing so hard without them knowing why. Then again maybe they're laughing at me for being a Lions fan?

[Panoptes]

<applause>

[-Deborah-]

lol, funny because you've hit on something...we are a screwed up bunch for sure, us Lions fans.

[romster]

LOL Kansas!

I'm leaning toward some sort of defect, hopefully genetic so that we have a built-in excuse. "Yeah, I'm a Lions fan but I'm missin' a chromosome. Nuthin' I can do about it. Pudding, please!"

lmfao

For some reason this brought a recent conversation to mind. I was at a gathering for the Bristol race. Football comes up and I ask a dude who his favorite team is....

Dude: The Redskins. I know, they're not that great.
Me: Don't feel bad, I'm a Lions fan.
Dude: Hey, we've had some good battles!
Me: When?!!
Dude: I dunno. Not that long ago.
Me: Well, we haven't had a decent season since Matt Millen took over and that was almost 7 years ago.
Dude: It was when that guy who is from here played on the team.
Me: Herman Moore?
Dude: Yeah.
Me: That was in the '90s.
Dude: Oh. Sorry.

<sigh>

[-Deborah-]

lol Rom! Damn, it doesn't seem *that* long ago that Herman was on the team...