Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Panoptes]

This thread is a must for Lions fans everywhere.

[Dan V]

We really need to get some of Kansas' best posts here, such as his interview with God, The gamecocks article, etc.

[DanO]

We really need to get some of Kansas' best posts here, such as his interview with God, The gamecocks article, etc.

GO COCKS!!

GO LIONS "04" !!!

[romster]

The inteview with God is the all-time best post EVER!

[SeattleLionsFan]

It is one of the all time funny things I've read...

[-Deborah-]

Feel free to copy a favorite over...

[bimmer84]

These need to be preserved. Here is a start.

by Kansas.....

By the time Peyton Manning threw his sixth touchdown pass, the glare from the light bulbs on the Colts side of the scoreboard was so strong it was like staring into an eclipse of the sun. I had to finish watching the game using the ol? pinhole-in-the-cardboard projection method just to keep my retinas from exploding. And I was watching it on TV.

We all know how the Lions and their Career Day Defense can make career backups with weak arms and lousy wide receivers look like Peyton Manning, so ? really ? what did you think they were going to make Peyton Manning look like. I?ll tell you. The CDD gave such a strong effort that they not only allowed Manning to tie an NFL record with 6 TD passes, but they actually let him throw three TD passes to a small, slow, white guy. I mean, come on. What decade is this? The 1950s? I thought I?d entered a time warp and was watching Unitas to Berry for an hour and a half. Seriously, I?d almost bet a paycheck that there isn?t another white WR in the league that?s had three TD catches the entire season, let alone in one game.

The only possible way to stop Manning was to put pressure on him. Which brings us to Kalimba Edwards. I haven?t heard his name for months. Which is great if he was in a police lineup. And I haven?t seen his name in a newspaper. Which is great if I was reading the list of sexual offenders that have moved to my neighborhood. And I haven?t even heard his name spoken on television........by anybody........even Bill Maas........even accidentally........like, ?And Harold Edwards beats the left tackle badly for the sack! Great play by Harold!?........nothing, nada, zilch, zero, diddly over squat. When he was drafted, experts were saying that he was too big to play linebacker and too small to play end. He was a ?tweener?. Well, they were right. Cuz right now he?s somewhere between his next NFL team and his sofa.

With no pressure from the front four, it certainly seemed logical that blitzing Manning was perhaps the only other option. Since we didn?t do that and have rarely done it all season, the only possible explanation I can come up with is that our defensive coordinator is either Jewish or a Jewish sympathizer who can not in good faith employ a tactic that was used by the Germans to launch WWII and ultimately led to the deaths of six million of his brothers and sisters. I know that sounds weird, but if that truly is the case - and with all due respect to my Jewish friends - then give me a defensive coordinator who?s a goose-stepping, brownshirt wearing, zeig heiling, swastika tattooed, blonde haired, blue eyed, full-blooded, Aryan Nazi who calls a ?BLITZ!? with all the red-faced, vein bulging, fist pumping, spit-flying venom he can muster.

With no pressure and no blitz, we had to rely on the secondary to keep Manning in check. Good call. Marvin Harrison beat Fernando Bryant like a drunk, fat Pistons fan. I?m seriously longing for the good ol? days when Terry Fair was handing out 3rd and longs nine out of ten times, and then on the tenth time getting a 15 yard taunting penalty. And Dre? Bly? I haven?t seen a guy so good turn so bad since........well........since Joey between games 6 and 7. Seriously, what is it about putting on a Lions uniform that turns these guys into an unviable mass of post-coital sheet slime?

And why is it that other teams can run a screen pass on 3rd and twelve for a first down, and the Lions screen pass looks like it was drawn up by a far-sighted, four-year-old Pablo Picasso who?s had way too much cough syrup?

Now that we have the Lions-mandated quarterback controversy, my personal opinion is that we need to cut Joey Harrington some slack. I mean, sure he has the leadership qualities of Jessica Simpson captaining the team from M.I.T. in the Poulan Weedeater Knowledge Bowl, but every Lions fan knows that it takes three........I mean, four........no, five.........yeah, five seasons to master the West Coast Offense. And now that this season is for all intents and purposes swirling down the crapper, and even though Joey probably needs all the reps and game time that he can accumulate to improve his accuracy to the point where can hit the NARROW side of a barn, I still think it would be much more fun and entertaining to grease up ?The Hairless Wonder? Mike McMahon with some Crisco and let him run around the field like one of them Arkansas pig chasing contests. Suuuuuuuuuuuu-EY!!

This week we have the Cardinals. Does anyone really have any doubt that John Navarre won?t leave Ford Field looking like he?s headed for Disney World? And Emitt Smith, whose grandchildren will be in attendance if they can get out of college early on Friday, will run so easily for so many yards against the CDD that he will delude himself ? again ? into thinking that?s he got another five years in him.

Ah, yes. It?s great being a Lions fan in December. Really, the NFL should let the Lions just play ten games. Think about it, we would?ve been 4-6 this season. That?s almost .500, baby! No stressful playoff possibilities to worry about. No having to root for Green Bay to knock someone off to ensure the Lions a backdoor wildcat spot. Nope. Just total relaxation. And better yet, we can focus all our football attention on watching the Lions next wasted draft pick on Saturdays.

Yep, it sure is great being a Lions fan in December.

[Sharkbait]

that is some great stuff

[Kansas]

Oh, come on. If you’re reading this, you knew it. You may not have said it openly. In fact, you may have tried to suppress it………..like a fart in a crowded airplane. But you knew. You knew way down deep in your Honolulu Blue belly that there was no earthly way they were going to make that extra point. The ones that didn’t know it saw that snap bouncing along the turf and may have managed an “I’m comin’, Elizabaeth!” before their hearts exploded, sending them to a blissful, eternal sleep free from the shackles of agony and despair of Lions fandom. Those lucky bastards.

But none of us……………NONE OF US……………would still be alive and kicking if that was the final play of the Super Bowl. But, all of you still with me know that that is exactly how a Super Bowl would unfold if…………..IF………….the Lions ever get there. A missed field goal, a botched extra point, a kickoff return in overtime, an interception on the game winning drive……….in the endzone………..when we’re down by two……………at our opponents’ 5………………with 10 seconds left in the game. THAT, my dear friends, is our destiny. Nothing good will ever happen to us. I’m starting to feel like a starving Ethiopian and having Sam Kennison screaming in my ear, “IT’S THE FRIGGIN” DESERT!! IT WILL ALWAYS BE THE DESERT!! MOVE!! PACK YOUR STUFF UP AND MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!” The Lions are our Sahara…………………..and we don’t have a U-Haul.

Don’t believe me? OK.

For the second time in his career, Joey actually threw for over 300 yards. An event so rare that ancient Mayan prophecy foretells that something that unlikely occurring twice would trigger the cataclysmic battle between the forces of Quetzalcoatl and the spirit demons of Xibalba which, of course, causes the entire planet to be covered in a gradually rising “lake of fire” resulting in the terrible, slow, agonizing deaths of all life as we know it.

Gee thanks, Joey. Poor kid can’t do anything right. I don’t know about you, but when faced with being slowly burned to death from the feet up…………um, well………….5 of 22 for 47 yards is a damn good outing.

On the other hand, after watching our Safeties play defense, burning slowly to death from the feet up might actually be a welcome relief. Either that or smearing Smuckers all over my eyelids and being staked down on top of a fire ant hill. Helen Keller just had to be a Lions fan. It’s the only possible way to enjoy them. Blind, deaf, dumb…………and stupid wouldn’t hurt either. Lesseee. Third and 24. On the Vike 18 yard line. Daunte Culpepper. Randy Moss. Hmmmmmm……….what’s the one thing that Brock Marion and Bracy Walker absolutely can NOT let happen? I would give them a clue, but I don’t think they could get a clue if I gave them a wheelbarrow full of money, doused them with cologne that was irresistible to clues, and then gave them very clear and precise directions to the clue red light district.

And what is the deal with Dick Jauron not playing Terrence Holt? I mean, with our Safeties that’s like having Kukulcan on the bench when you’re playing the spirit demons of Xibalba!!! It’s just crazy!! Seriously, does Jauron have a nappy-haired kid with brown eyes and Holt’s DNA structure?!? If not, he needs a Bracy enema cuz he’s lodged up in there pretty tight.

I’ve almost had it. Not quite, but almost. And if this really is our destiny……………I mean………………come on, destiny. Throw us a friggin’ bone here.

[Kansas]

OK, the next few posts are some of my own favorites. They're the only ones I thought were remotely funny.

[Kansas]

Mullet Haiku

Ahem.......

Shampoo stings my eyes,
I will never feel that twice:
slick hair smells like gas

O! SQUIRREL, brother,
Your tail, my hair We are one
Yet I must eat you

Razor set to one
Do front and sides and then stop
Reaffirm my style

Short like my schooling
Long like my prison sentence
The penal haircut

I liked that foreign
legion movie so much, I
grew me one them hats

Short in front for dad
Long for the daughter mom wants
Everyone's happy

Ponytails are for wimps
But if you let that hair loose
You are my brother

My hair: slammin like
Stone Cold. Can I get a Hell yeah!
Hell yeah! Hell yeah! <burp>

Bald on the top and
long on the back, behold my
glorious skullet


Brown edged tank top sticks
to my white clumpy armpits
Somehow I get laid

You smoke me up and
jerk me off. You are the best
And I love you, sis

My uncle is my dad
My brother married my niece
Mullet family tree

With long hair in place
I am ready to party
Pass the bong, uncle

Under the Christmas tree
Tight black jeans and a comb
I've been extra good

New white tank top tucks
Neatly into tight black jeans
Redneck romeo

I sing and I dance
And I still have hockey hair
I am Menudo

Lynyrd Skynyrd didn't
win no spelling bees Who cares?
They rock the trailer

Teen runaway
I hate my dad, yet I am one.
Fly, thunderbird, fly

Metallica is
for first graders Nothing rocks
harder than Winger

Dogs urinate where
they so choose And so do I
Red and blue lights flash

This super cool hair
and a bucket of chicken:
What more could I want?

[Kansas]

Edited Sep 2, 2003 3:39 pm
Season Preview

Well, this is it. This is the time of year that Lions fans everywhere breathlessly anticipate the upcoming football season. And I would ask, like many of you, WHY? WHY? WHY? But we all know the answer, don’t we? Because a season of Lions football is like a long, wet, nationally televised Al and Tipper kiss. It’s like a 45-year continuous loop of the Zapruder film with the Lions never inching forward, but unerringly moving back and to the left.....back and to the left.....back and to the left. You want to look away. You really do. You don’t want to watch the horror unfolding before your very eyes. You want to clamp your hand over the eyes of your children before they too are forever emotionally scarred. But you don’t. You can’t! You can’t turn away any more than you could turn away from an impending train wreck. For we, my friends, are Charlie Brown. Forever kicking at that damn ball and always having it pulled away as we fall on our ass. Forever throwing our best fastball and always ending up lying on the mound in nothing but our boxers....or, for our lady readers, our panties......or, for Romster, our strawberry-flavored edibles. I’m pretty much numb to it by now, but I hope none of you younger Lions fans are too distraught because, you see, this is the lot you have chosen.

As a Lions fan, you must understand that this, right here, is as good as it gets. You think 45 years is a long time without a championship?? Ask a Red Sox fan if 45 years is a long time. We can’t beat fate, and fate can be a mean, mean bitch. And fate’s got it in for us. Somewhere along the line, somebody got something they didn't deserve, and took all the karma with them. And I'm guessing that somebody is Tony Danza, and now.....it's all coming back on us. The sooner you face it, the less painful it’ll be next time. Here’s an example. Dre’ Bly hasn’t missed a football game since the invention of light beer, yet he puts on a Lions uniform and suddenly he’s Brian Williams with a calcium deficiency. And then, Coach Marriucci has to protect him like he’s Saddam. He’s got people taste-testing his food for poison; he’s moving him from safe house to safe house; he makes sure Dre’ never sleeps more than once in the same bed in the same location. And this is a mediocre cornerback! Mooch loses one more of those guys and the next thing you know Todd Lyght’s phone is ringing, begging him to come back and get burned. Eric Davis anyone?

Yeah, yeah, “hope springs eternal”, and “we’re just a few players away”, and “we just need to tweak some things”, yada, yada, yada. Whoever says that needs to immediately leaf through the Lions merchandise catalogue and order the Lions decoder ring. Only then will you discover the true meaning behind those phrases. For some really good laughs, decode “bar is high” and “win now”.

Let’s face it. We need a miracle here, folks. We need the equivalent of an OJ acquittal. We need something along the lines of Kobe’s charges being reduced from anal rape to “following too close.” Hiring Mariucci is definitely a step in the right direction, but even he can’t stem the tide of destiny. Mooch has been very reserved in his comments to the media about the expectations of the upcoming season. You know why? Because you can’t chocolate-cover a turd and call it a Baby Ruth. He’s been singing the praises of this football team like Ozzie Osbourne in the seventh inning of a Cubs game.

So where does that leave us.....the fans? I’ll tell you. We’re screwed. We’re screwed for another year. We can’t compete with the injuries. Now Stewart’s out for the year, and we can’t even begin to defeat the same old story of the depth of our secondary. If the story of our secondary were a book in the Bible, we’d be pre-Genesis. And to top it all off, we don’t even have a gravy schedule after two seasons with just five wins! The AFC West? St. Louis? San Francisco? Green Bay and Minnesota twice? Please. Custer stood a better chance. I’m an old, tired, bitter Lions fan. I won’t believe anything from these guys until I see it on the field.

[Kansas]

Sep 4, 2003 10:01 am
Lions sign corner – add depth

Detroit (AP) – Continuing to add depth to their depleted secondary, the Lions announced the signing of veteran actor Abe Vigoda. Financial details of the contract were unavailable, but the length of the contract is reportedly for ten years.

Vigoda worked out for the Lions on Monday and impressed President Matt Millen and head coach Steve Mariucci with a wind-aided 40 time of 1:34.6 and his ability to jam receivers at the line of scrimmage with his walker. "Obviously, we like his speed and aggressiveness. He ran pretty well for us, but that was in his Bermudas, black socks, sandals, and a sweater. Plus, there was a pretty brisk south wind blowing so he might be a couple of tenths slower. But still, that's a darn good time. As you know, we won’t really be able to determine his real football speed until we get the pads on him and get him out there with the rest of the guys, but so far we're really excited about him."

Although out of football since his senior year in 1938 at Sisters of Mercy Catholic High School in New York where he earned "Most Likely To Go Unmarried" honors, Vigoda has spent the last seven years preparing his mind and body for the grueling sixteen game NFL schedule. Training at the exclusive Pleasant Valley Senior Nursing Facility in Beverly Hills, Vigoda followed a strict diet regimen of lime jello and applesauce that reduced his body fat to a mere 46 percent and sculpted his 5’6" hunched over frame into a svelte 103 lbs. of bone and dermal tissue.

"Honestly, we liked Abe for several reasons. First of all, he was available. Secondly, we like the veteran experience he provides and we think he can help mentor the younger guys on the team like he did the young cops on Barney Miller. And lastly, we like his durability. I mean, seriously, I thought he died like 20 years ago", Marriucci said laughing. "It’s that kind of physical toughness that sort of drew us to him and will make him an invaluable asset to this football team, and that’s the reason we rewarded him with the ten year contract."

Although the Lions signed Vigoda, they are still interested in signing another cornerback for added insurance and depth. According to Millen, the Lions will be combing the waiver wire and cut lists, especially since negotiations ended with the untimely and unfortunate death of free agent cornerback Bob Hope. Sources within the organization report that the Lions are extremely interested in Kirk Douglas, Rodney Dangerfield, and, in an apparent youth movement, Michael J. Fox.

[Kansas]

Dec 12, 2001 10:54 am

Postgame Commentary – Lions vs. Bucs

After watching the Lions, you kinda get the feeling that they’d figure out a way to lose a pie-eating contest to Karen Carpenter. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, the Lions let one of the league’s worst offenses march down the field and score the game winning touchdown.

I don’t know what he was thinking, but Vince Tobin got the crazy idea that dropping eight of our guys into coverage could somehow prevent five of their guys from catching a pass. What team has he been coaching all year? Our defense has the killer instinct of Barney Fife who left his bullet at home.

This whole year has been crazy. The Lions can’t win, Peyton Manning sucks, Beano Cook has turned into Jabba the Hutt, Afghan children are listening to ZZ Top – it’s totally nuts! But the nuttiest thing I’ve seen was Tobin substituting players while the Bucs were in their hurry-up offense. Even Ronald Reagan snapped back to reality long enough to mutter, "Nancy, honey. Better send that Tobin fella some literature."

Speaking of our defense, some day I’m gonna be farting dust, reading the Bible, cramming for finals, and I’ll still be laughing at Todd Lyght’s atttempt to tackle Alstott. He looked like somebody just pushed him in front of a subway. The last time I saw someone do something that reluctantly was when Lisa Marie Presley kissed Michael Jackson onstage at the MTV Music Awards.

On offense, McMahon played OK. Very impressed with his mobility and ability to throw on the run. He still takes off running like a Taliban hearing jet engines, but he did seem a little more poised than before.

Ya know, I’ve almost come to embrace the losing streak. In fact, I’ve already endured the wise cracks, the Lions jokes, the humiliation. But now, people see me in my Lion gear and actually are taking pity on me, like I’m Christopher Reeve stuck in a snow bank.

"Oh, look dear. There’s a poor Lions fan. Isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve ever seen? Go give him a couple of dollars."

"Ummmm............Margaret. It’s not like he’s homeless or something. He’s just a fan of the best worst football team in NFL history. Or maybe it’s the worst best - I’m not sure."

"You’re right. Maybe we should just adopt him."

See? The country pities us. Now is the time to make our mark in the record books. The absolute worst thing that can happen now is the Lions completely melting down and winning a couple of games. They must keep the streak alive. Going O-fer would make all the other ignominious Lions records merely footnotes in the annals of ineptitude. This record is the Holy Grail. This record could be our very own Vince Lombardi Trophy of futility. This record could be something that no other fan from any other team can lay claim to - something that will forever erase the memories of four decades of humdrum mediocrity – something that epitomizes an organization that for so long refused to win yet somehow managed not to lose – something that would finally put us on the map like no 8-8 season could ever do - something that will finally make you stand up and yell, "I’M A LIONS FAN AND I’M DAMNED ASHAMED OF IT!!"

Just think – only four more single digit losses and we’re guaranteed a spot in history as the best most horrible team ever! That’s not humiliation..............it’s immortality!

[Kansas]

May 24, 2002 11:05 am

Post-draft Commentary

With Joey Harrington as the first pick, the Lions have all but guaranteed themselves a quarterback controversy the likes of which have not been seen since Rusty Hilger out dueled Chuck Long for the starting nod in 1988. Matt Millen was so proud of the pick he looked like he was announcing his daughter’s engagement to Emo Phillips.

Millen really cracks me up. I like the guy, and I like what he’s doing with the franchise, but he handles situations the same way Robert Blake resolves marital problems. I now actually believe the reports of Barry Sanders’ wife being scared to death when Millen came to their house. He and Marty probably came through the door like Butch and Sundance charging out of the stable to face the Bolivian army.

"All right, lady!!! Where is he?!?"

"SCREAM!!!!! Who are you and what do you want??"

"Shut up! Marty, keep an eye on her while I search the house. If she moves, then..................uhhhhh..................thro w your sunglasses on the ground so she knows you mean business."

"Sure thing, Boss. Hey, can I make me a sandwich? That was a long bike ride and I already burned up that triple banana split from the DQ just from walking up the sidewalk."

"Yeah, sure, Jared. Go ahead and make a sandwich. Now just watch her while I look for Barry. If I’m not back in 5 minutes, assume the worst and sign Lamont Warren."

Speaking of Marty, he knows about as much of what’s going on around him as Ronald Reagan during one of his "clear" spells. It’s like, "Whoa! Where the hell am I and why am I wearing this bib?" Just like the whole Johnny Morton episode. "We would absolutely not do that (release him). We would like to re-sign him, extend him, those types of things." You mean, those types of things like...................release him? "Quick, Matt! Get him up to speed on the Morton situation before he lapses back into.................ah, dammit. Too late."

Lessee...............re-sign him | extend him | release him............I’m thinkin’ Marty wasn’t much of a Sesame Street watcher as a kid, cuz one of those things don’t belong with the others. It’s either that or Marty McFly jumped in the Delorean, sped into the future, screwed with the space/time continuum, came back, showed Mornhinweg a 2004 Sports Illustrated with Super Bowl MVP Bill Schroeder on the cover, and BAM!.............Morton’s toast. Mmmmmm.....................nah. The clueless theory holds more water.

So we got us a tyrannical GM and a confused, out-of-the-loop head coach. What’s not to love? So far, their draft has looked good and their FA period has been OK, but we still need some solid help on the OL since Bryan Robinson’s dog could get the starting nod at LG. I mean, the only guy who ever tripped over Semple was Herman. OK, OK. That’s not true and it’s probably not fair to Semple to.....................well, wait a minute. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, no. Now that I think about, that is true.