Joke Thread

[Malto Marko]

An email from Ireland to their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States .

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who cannot keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What in Lord's name are you lads confused about over there in the colonies??[/font]

[LWC]

LOL Mark!

[Malto Marko]

Rules changes for Seniors in the game of golf.

Rule 1.a.5

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game.
The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have
traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g)

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing ball is on
or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h)

If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.

Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three
inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)

There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-
pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not
occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z)

There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.





Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

[DanO]

"Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
-------------------------lol.

"What in Lord's name are you lads confused about over there in the colonies??"
--------------------------------I'M NOT CONFUSED!!

GO LIONS "08" !!!!!!!!

[Malto Marko]

Ice fishing

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican
candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There
was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a
week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle
things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week
would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest
between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest
take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch
for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end
of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had
ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just
having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch
up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama
came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said,
'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want
you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on
him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to
Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's
cutting holes in the ice!'

[LWC]

LOL

[LWC]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.

[LWC]

Banister of Life

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

[warhawk]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.

[Darl McrBride]

Names on the 'terrorist list'...

"M'balz es-Hari"
"Haid D'Salaami"
"Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr"
"Usuqa M'diq"
"Hous bin Phartin"
"I'zheet m'drawrz"

[DanO]

Bullfrogs & Blow jobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his
birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very
expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't
want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say
it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

' Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he
said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
true....no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was
extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy,
thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act
again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of
pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing
sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass
is gone.'

GO LIONS "08" !!!!!!!!

[romster]

[dsred]

It's nice having sex with Chinese women, but I find I'm horny an hour later...

[DeanUK]

SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2007

The last one is a worthy winner.
6th *Place
It *was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you *like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. *
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she *replied.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


5th *Place
A *flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check *tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and *he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid *she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your *stub.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------


4th *Place
A *lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she *couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing *assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' *I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------


3rd *Place
The policeman got out of *his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've *been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, *well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped *laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


2nd *Place
A *lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that *read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was *directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for *miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of *his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the *driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was *delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR *2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her *pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate *any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, *
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.*
*

[SeattleLionsFan]

Nude Photo Virus

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.