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Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

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  • Originally posted by chemiclord View Post
    Is that like... Brit code for cocaine or something?
    No it's teared up bits of newspaper (Not newspaper that's a bit emotional, but ripped up paper) that everyone throws at the same time, It can look impressive, nobody really does it now though. I blame the internet.
    AAL Quintez Cephus
    If you fall during your life, it doesn't matter. You're never a failure as long as you try to get up.

    Comment


    • I do the reverse Wave whenever it comes near me. I stand up before it gets to me and then sit down when it arrives.

      I hate the Wave and have since the 80's.
      19.1119, NO LONGER WAITING

      Comment


      • I loved Katrina & the Waves!

        Comment


        • Walking on Sunshine. epitome of a Lion fan.

          Walking on Sunshine = Blowing Sunshine up yer ass in Lionland.
          "Don?t worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright. - Bob Marley "

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Sharkbait View Post
            Walking on Sunshine. epitome of a Lion fan.

            Walking on Sunshine = Blowing Sunshine up yer ass in Lionland.
            I thought the Lions fan theme song was "Dead Man's Party"?

            Comment


            • Following this post is my first movie script. It's about last week's game against the Rams. I think it would make a great movie. It's really long, so if you're going to read it, it might take a while.

              I'll break it up to make it easier.
              It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.

              Comment


              • A Few Above Average Men
                Screenplay by
                Kansas

                FADE IN: INTERIOR. Ford Field--
                Two football teams stand on the field during a timeout. We hear all the identifiable sounds of a moderate crowd at a sporting event. We see Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford walking slowly to the sidelines to confer with his coaches.

                We begin to pan slowly upward toward the scoreboard. The scoreboard comes into view and we see St. Louis Rams 10 - Detroit Lions 2, 4th down and 2 yards, there are 4 seconds left until halftime.

                Subtitle:
                November 1, 2009
                Ford Field - Detroit, MI
                Lions have the ball at their own 43 yard line

                CUT TO: A group of three men standing closely together on the sidelines. The men are Lions head coach Jim Schwartz, offensive coordinator Scott Linehan, and special teams coach Stan Kwan.

                Schwartz: So what do you guys think we should do?

                Kwan: Well, sir, I think we should punt.

                Schwartz: That bad, huh?

                Kwan: Our offensive line can't block and our receivers can't catch. What else can we do?

                Schwartz: Punt. Yes I suppose you're right. I suppose that's the thing to do. Wait. Wait. I've got a better idea. Let's just forfeit the game. Let's......on second thought, let's forfeit all of them. Scott, go out there and get your boys off the field, they're packing their bags. Tommy!

                /The waterboy runs over from the Gatorade cooler

                Waterboy: Sir?

                Schwartz: Run up to Mr. Ford's suite. Tell him we're surrendering the rest of the season.

                Waterboy: Yes, sir!

                Schwartz: Wait a minute, Tommy. Don't tell Mr. Ford just yet. Maybe we should consider this for a second. Maybe...and I'm just spit-balling here...but maybe we as coaches have a responsibility to this team. Maybe we as coaches have a responsibility to try to win games. Yes. I'm certain I once read that somewhere. And now I'm thinking that your suggestion of punting the ball, while expeditious, and probably risky, might not be in a manner of speaking, the Lions way. Stan, why don't you get yourself a cup of Gatorade?

                Kwan: Thank you, sir, I'm fine.

                Schwartz: Stan, I'd like you to leave so we can talk about you behind your back.

                Kwan: Certainly, sir.

                /Kwan leaves as quarterback Matthew Stafford joins the group

                Schwartz: We can't punt with that idiot Kwan running the special teams. It'll get blocked or run back for a touchdown. And I'm sure as hell not going to throw a hail mary and risk that getting returned for a touchdown. I guess there's only one thing left to do.

                Linehan: You mean a Code Red?

                Schwartz: I'm afraid so.

                Linehan: But, sir, I think the crowd might blame Matthew for that. We should just throw the hail mary and...

                Schwartz: Scott, I know you used to be a head coach. But I'm the head coach now. If that's a source of tension or embarrassment for you, well, I don't give a shit. Don't ever question my orders in front of a player.

                /Linehan turns and walks away

                Schwartz: OK, Matthew, you're in charge. I want you to go out there and throw the ball as high and as far as you can so that it eats up the final 4 seconds on the clock. And if it's not at least 10 yards out of bounds, I'm gonna blame you. Then I'm gonna kill you.

                Stafford: Yes, sir!

                /Stafford fastens his chin strap and runs onto the field.
                It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.

                Comment


                • CUT TO: The basement of a poster on the Detroit Lions Forum. His name is Kansas and it's almost impossible not to like him. Plus, he's devastatingly handsome and brilliant. It's the day after the game. The phone rings and...

                  Kansas: Hello?

                  /The person on the phone is Bill Keenist, Sr. Vice President of Communications for the Lions

                  Keenist: Is this Kansas? The greatest poster on the Detroit Lions Forum?

                  Kansas: Yes it is.

                  Keenist: This is Bill Keenist from the Detroit Lions. We have a problem and we need your help. Can you be here at Lions HQ in Allen Park tomorrow?

                  Kansas: I'll be there.

                  CUT TO: INTERIOR - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
                  Bill Keenist and several Lions administrative personnel are seated around a large conference table.

                  /Kansas walks in with two other people following him

                  Keenist: 'Morning.

                  Kansas: 'Morning, Bill. This is my co-counsel Topweaselberg.

                  Keenist: Hello. Who's the other guy with you?

                  Jdoggie: I have no responsibilities here whatsoever.

                  Keenist: Oh. Have a seat, gentlemen.

                  /Keenist hands Kansas a file

                  Keenist: Sunday afternoon, Matthew Stafford fires a hail mary pass that landed harmlessly on the sideline to end the first half.

                  Kansas: What's a sideline?

                  Keenist: Topweaselberg?

                  Topweaselberg: A big area on either side of the field that is separated from the field of play by out-of-bounds stripes.

                  Kansas: Teacher's pet.

                  Keenist: Approximately a day later, we received a strongly worded letter from a...lemme see...a Sharkbait. He is accusing Matthew Stafford of first degree fanicide. Says that Stafford's pass murdered his desire to be a Lions fan.

                  Kansas: What does Stafford say?

                  Keenist: He's not talking. He's letting Schwartz handle it through the media. Look, we can't be losing fans because they think our franchise quarterback is so completely incompetent that he can't even throw the ball inbounds. Have you ever been in a courtroom before?

                  Kansas: Well, I once chloroformed my wife so I could have sex with her.

                  /The Lions personnel look around uncomfortably at each other

                  Keenist: We can NOT allow people to think that Stafford was the cause of Sharkbait's fanicide.

                  Kansas: And Sharkbait is......who?

                  Keenist: The victim.

                  Kansas: (To Topweaselberg) Write that down.

                  Keenist: The trial starts tomorrow. We're all counting on you here in Motown.

                  Topweaselberg: (Whispers to Kansas) Detroit.

                  Kansas: I know that one.
                  It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.

                  Comment


                  • CUT TO: INTERIOR - A SMALL ROOM AT A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS - DAY
                    Kansas and Topweaselberg are seated around a small table

                    Topweaselberg: I don't think Stafford committed fanicide.

                    Kansas: I agree. It was Professor Plum in the library with the candlestick.

                    Topweaselberg: No, no. I mean, I think he was ordered to do it. Do you know what a Code Red is?

                    CUT TO: INTERIOR - MATTHEW STAFFORD'S RESIDENCE SOMEWHERE IN THE DETROIT AREA - DAY
                    Kansas and Topweaselberg are seated on a leather couch. Stafford is sitting across from them in a large, comfortable chair

                    Kansas: I'm Kansas, this is Topweaselberg. We just have a few questions. Matthew, what's a Code Red?

                    Stafford: Well, it's a preventative measure we have here in Detroit.

                    Kansas: What does it mean exactly?

                    Stafford: Well, it's something that we do to prevent something even worse from happening.

                    Kansas: What's a garden variety Code Red?

                    Stafford: Let's say it's 3rd and 20, we'll just call a draw up the middle to prevent me from getting sacked.

                    Topweaselberg: Beautiful.

                    Stafford: Yeah.

                    Kansas: Was the throw at the end of the half on Sunday a Code Red?

                    Stafford: Yes sir. Coach Schwartz ordered it.

                    Kansas: Did anyone else hear Schwartz order the Code Red?

                    Stafford: Coach Linehan. Maybe Daunte since he's usually standing around us during the timeouts.

                    /Kansas and Topweasel stand up to leave

                    Kansas: Thank you for your time. Oh. One more thing. Is that hot blonde with the big titties here? Cuz I have a couple of questions I want to see......I mean, feel.......I mean, ask.

                    Stafford: Um. No.
                    It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.

                    Comment


                    • CUT TO: INTERIOR - SCHWARTZ'S OFFICE - DAY
                      Schwartz is sitting behind his desk, Linehan is standing

                      Schwartz: Hi. I'm Jim Schwartz. come on in and sit down.

                      Kansas: Thanks. I'm Kansas, and this is my co-counsel Topweasel.

                      Schwartz: Pleased to meet you. Who's the other guy with you?

                      Jdoggie: I have no responsiblity here whatsoever.

                      Schwartz: I've asked Coach Linehan to join us.

                      /Linehan smiles and nods

                      Kansas: Coach Schwartz, I just need to ask you a couple of questions about the Rams game.

                      Schwartz: Shoot.

                      Kansas: There's 4 seconds left in the first half. You're down 10 to 2. It's 4th down and the ball is on your own 43 yard line. A timeout is called, and then what happens?

                      Schwartz: I discuss our options with the Scott and Stan, and we decide that the best course of action is to throw a hail mary and hope for a deflection or penalty.

                      Kansas: Alright, that's all I have. Thanks very much for your time.

                      Topweaselberg: Wait a minute, I've got some questions.

                      Kansas: No you don't.

                      Topweaselberg: Yes I do. I was wondering if you've ever heard the term Code Red.

                      Schwartz: I've heard the term, yes.

                      Topweaselberg: Isn't a Code Red just playing "not to lose" and sending the wrong message to the team?

                      Schwartz: You want to know about Code Reds? On the record, I tell you that I do not condone them and would never think of ordering one in a game situation. Off the record, I tell you that anyone who thinks that a Code Red is playing "not to lose" or is sending the wrong message.....well, they have never been head coach of the Lions.

                      Kansas: OK. Let's go, Top. (Stands up to leave) Coach, I'll just need a copy of the playbook?

                      Schwartz: What's that?

                      Kansas: The Lions' playbook. You guys have extras of that kind of thing. I just need it for the file.

                      Schwartz: For the file.

                      Kansas: Yeah.

                      Schwartz: Of course you can have a copy of the playbook. For the file. I'm here to help anyway I can.

                      Kansas: Thank you.

                      Schwartz: You believe that, don't you? That I'm here to help anyway I can?

                      Kansas: Of course.

                      Schwartz: Scott'll run you by his office on your way out. You can have all the playbooks you want. But you have to ask me nicely. You see, Kansas, I can deal with the losses and the injuries. I can deal with the frustration, the stress and the fear. I don't want sympathy and I don't want encouragement. What I want is for you to stand there in that faggoty blue shirt...

                      Kansas: It's a Lions jersey!

                      Schwartz: ...and with your Harvard mouth...

                      Kansas: Actually, I graduated from a juco down in Kans...

                      Schwartz: ...extend me some fuckin' courtesy. You gotta ask me nicely.

                      Kansas: Coach Schwartz...if it's not too much trouble, I'd like a copy of the playbook. Sir.

                      Schwartz: Are you fucking crazy?!!! Those things are more secret than my injury reports. Get the hell outta here.

                      /They leave

                      Topweaselberg: That went well.
                      Last edited by Kansas; November 5, 2009, 05:13 PM.
                      It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.

                      Comment


                      • CUT TO: INTERIOR - THE COURTROOM - DAY
                        It's the next day. Kansas, Topweaselberg and Stafford are sitting at the defense table. The prosecutor is at his place. The jurors, nine forumites chosen at random, are seated in the jury box.

                        Kansas: Who's the prosecutor?

                        Topweaselberg: Deacon Blues.

                        Kansas: Oh shit. Who's the judge?

                        Topweaselberg: Deborah. I sent her flowers to butter her up.

                        Kansas: Good thinking.

                        /The door in the back of the courtroom opens and Deborah, a forum administrator, enters and takes her place at the bench.

                        Dano (Sergeant at Arms): All rise. All those having business with this court, stand forward and you shall be heard. Forum Administrator Deborah is presiding. God save the United States of America. Be seated.

                        /Dano returns to his seat and starts drinking whiskey from a flask. Deborah raps the gavel

                        Deborah: (Looks at Kansas) How do you plead?

                        Kansas: Not guilty, your honor.

                        Deborah: OK, let's get this thing started. Is the prosecution prepared to make an opening statement?

                        Deacon Blues: (Stands, approaches the jurors) Yes, ma'am. The facts of the case are these: With 4 seconds left in the first half of last Sunday's game, Matthew Stafford did with malicious intent throw the ball out of bounds on a hail mary while trailing 10 points to a measley two. This despicable act did henceforth cause the fanaticism of fellow forumite, Sharkbait, to be pronounced dead during the next commercial break. These are the facts of the case, and they are undisputed.

                        /Deacon Blues returns to his seat

                        Deborah: Kansas?

                        Kansas: The intent was not malicious nor was it caused by the ineptitude of the defendant, Matthew Stafford, and any attempt to prove otherwise is futile because it just ain't true. When Stafford threw the final pass of the half, it wasn't because he was looking to commit fanicide or because he's so horrible he couldn't throw the ball in the field of play. It's because it was what he was ordered to do. Let me say that again: it's because it was what he was ordered to do. Now, sitting in your basement watching the game, that means nothing. And behind your keyboard on a Lions forum, it doesn't mean a whole lot more. But if you play for the Lions, and you're given an order, you follow it or you're sitting on a bench. Make no doubt about it. Matthew Stafford is sitting before you in judgement because he did his job.

                        /Kansas walks back to the table and sits down

                        Deborah: Deacon, call your first witness?

                        Deacon: Please the court, the prosecution calls Jeff Backus.

                        /Backus enters the courtroom and takes the witness chair. Dano approaches the witness

                        Dano: Raise your right hand. Do you swear to hear the snap count, remember the snap count, and not move before the ball is snapped so help you God?

                        Backus: I do.

                        /Dano returns to his seat, resumes drinking. Deacon rises from his chair and approaches the witness

                        Deacon: Mr. Backus, I have just one question. I fucking hate you. Your witness.

                        Kansas: No questions, your honor.

                        Deborah: You're dismissed, Mr. Backus. Next witness?

                        Deacon: Your honor, the prosecution calls Dominic Raiola.

                        Kansas: (Stands) Please the court, I understand Deacon Blues is planning on calling all the other members of the Detroit Lions to ask them that same question. The defense is willing to concede that all 51 witnesses will testify substantially as Jeff Backus did if the prosecution is willing to concede that a few of the Lions players are above average even though he hates them.

                        Deborah: Deacon?

                        Deacon: The prosecution will agree to the stipulation, your honor.
                        Last edited by Kansas; November 6, 2009, 10:33 AM.
                        It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.

                        Comment


                        • lol!
                          #birdsarentreal

                          Comment


                          • this is really well done, K.
                            #birdsarentreal

                            Comment


                            • Deborah: Next witness?

                              Deacon: The prosecution calls Sharkbait.

                              /Sharkbait enters the courtroom and takes his seat in the witness chair. Dano approaches the witness.

                              Dano: Raise your right hand. Do you swear?

                              Sharkbait: I do.

                              Dano: A lot?

                              Sharkbait: Yes.

                              /Dano returns to his seat. Continues drinking. Deacon stands

                              Deacon: Sharkbait, in your own words can you tell us what happened on that fateful day, November 1, 2009.

                              Sharkbait: Well, there I was, just watching the game and swearing at the TV like I usually do when the Lions play, and then all a sudden - with 4 seconds left in the half - our quarterback just heaves it out of bounds. I couldn't believe it. I mean, we were behind and he throws the fucking ball out of bounds where nobody could even try to catch it. We coulda got a tipped pass or pass interference penalty or God knows what, but the idiot just threw it out of bounds. I was so pissed off. And then, that's when my desire to be a Lions fan died.

                              Deacon: And the perpetrator who murdered, in cold blood, your lifelong fanatacism for the Lions, is he seated in this courtroom today?

                              Sharkbait: Yes he is. He is sitting right there. (Points directly at Stafford)

                              Kansas: (Leaps up) Objection. Your honor, the witness could not possibly be able to identify the defendant as the person who committed that crime. The person on the field had a helmet on.

                              Sharkbait: Oh fer crissakes. The back of his jersey said "Stafford".

                              Deborah: Overruled.

                              Topweasel: (Whispers to Kansas) Nice try.

                              Deacon: No further questions.

                              Kansas: I have just one question, Sharkbait. Zero and 16 doesn't kill your passion as a fan, but a meaningless pass out of bounds does?

                              Sharkbait: That's correct.

                              Kansas: Your honor, permission to treat him as a hostile witness.

                              Deborah: Granted.

                              /Kansas approaches Sharkbait and slaps him hard across the face

                              Kansas: Pussy.

                              Deacon: Objection!!

                              Kansas: Withdrawn! I'm through with this witness.

                              /Kansas returns to his seat. Sharkbait steps down holding his cheek
                              Last edited by Kansas; November 5, 2009, 05:17 PM.
                              It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.

                              Comment


                              • What the fuck?

                                Kansas! We had a deal! You promised you weren't going to write me out of this script! I understand you wanted MiamiTreo or DanO to have the codename "Deep Throat", but come on! That's no reason to cut out my compelling journalist character with connections on the inside! Damn it. Where's my lawyer! Topweaselberg, answer your phone!

                                Comment

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