Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[SeattleLionsFan]

LOL!

[DanO]

"A combination like that has as much chance of success as Heather Mills and Lieutenant Dan pairing up in “Dancing with the Stars”.
-----------------------------Good one Kansas.

GO LIONS "07" !!!!!!!

[Panoptes]

Thx for sharing. I needed the laugh.

How's the Flat Land Bomber doing?

[dsred]

About frickin' time! Slacker! :-)

[-Deborah-]

I’m trying to drink the Kool-aid on the CJ pick and keep it down. I really am. Unfortunately I’m drinking it in Jonestown and Matt Millen is Reverend Jim. I know I’m a “the glass is fucking empty!” kind of guy, but I’m just waiting for the report to come out that Calvin is a fat, lazy pot addict with Osteoporosis and likes to order his “forties” nude at the window of the local drive-thru liquor store.

LOL!

Lots of good ones in there, Kansas!

[unknown lions fan]

lol - good to see you back in form Kansas. Remember, you should outlive WCF. It's the only consolation I have for you.

[Kansas]

lol - good to see you back in form Kansas. Remember, you should outlive WCF. It's the only consolation I have for you.

That guy will outlive a Twinkie.

[Kansas]

How's the Flat Land Bomber doing?

I don't want to bore everyone with the details. He made Honorable Mention All Conference and won the Gold Glove Award as the best defensive 3B in the league. He was the only freshman to earn that. He actually had far better stats than the kid who made 1st Team All Conference, but that kid was a senior and probably had a hell of a career. If you're interested, you can go to http://www.gpacsports.com/article/515.php to see the results.

Nolan led his team or finished in the top 3 in a number of different batting categories, including BA, Slugging, OBP, blah, blah. You can go to http://www.mlc.edu/midlandlutheran.a...=1221#TEAM.LDR if you're interested.

He had a helluva year. I couldn't be prouder.

[Panoptes]

Nice

[Newbomb Turk]

sounds like ARod was your milkman.........

[Kansas]

EXCLUSIVE! – Kansas Interviews Satan

Kansas: Hello, everybody. Since I did an interview with God, I thought it would be only fair if I gave some equal time to his arch-enemy. So I’m here in Hell with Satan – the Fallen Angel, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Diablo, the Taker of Souls, the Squasher of Dreams, the Prince of Darkness, the…..

Satan: Hold on there, bud. It’s the Prince of Pain. The Prince of Darkness is Dracula. Everybody always screws that up. He keeps threatening me with trademark infringement and, trust me, he’s got a lot of lawyers down here.

Kansas: Oh, sorry. Do have anything to drink? It’s kinda hot in here.

Satan: I have scalding coffee from a McDonald’s drive-thru or, my favorite, the boiling blood of a child molester with his penis as a swizzle stick.

Kansas: Um…………never mind. Hey, I really like what you’ve done with place. The lava lamps really dress it up.

Satan: Yeah. Real lava, too. Have you been here before?

Kansas: You probably don’t remember, but I went through Hell during Spring Break in 1982 after a 4-day bender of alcohol and ‘shrooms. That fifth day was sheer torture.

Satan: I remember that now. You said you’d sell your soul to the Devil if you got laid that week. I had you all hooked up too. Unfortunately, you couldn’t……ahem…….perform after all that tequila. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be leaving that chair.

Kansas: Ya know, it almost might’ve been worth it. She was hot!

Satan: Man, you were drunk. She was a crack whore from Jamaica with HIV and a yeast infection. She’s the only one I could find who didn’t go “Ewwwwww” when they looked at you. I was pissed that you couldn’t complete the deal, so I had her steal your wallet and draw on your face with a magic marker.

Kansas: You are pure evil……………….and I like that. That’s why I’m thinking about coming over to your side. You, my friend, can make things happen.

Satan: Well…….thank you. I try.

Kansas: And that brings us to the reason I’m here. I want to talk about the Detroit Lions. God basically said there was nothing he could do to help them and he was washing his hands of the whole……………………….what are you laughing at?

Satan: Hahaha! You said “washing his hands”. That phrase always reminds me of that Pontius Pilate fella. That was classic. I’ve got it on DVD. You wanna see it?

Kansas: No, no, no. That’s OK.

Satan: How about the Immaculate Conception? That makes the Paris Hilton video look like……

Kansas: No, no. Really I just want to talk about the Lions and their……………..Um, ya know, maybe later I could get a look at your performance in the Garden of Eden and your tempting of Eve that ultimately led to our freedom to choose wild, promiscuous sex without remorse? That’s some of your best work.

Satan: Excellent choice.

Kansas: Anyways, back to the Lions. I was wondering if you could………..

Satan: Let me interrupt for a moment. See that throne over there in the lake of eternal fire? I’m saving it for Scott Mitchell.

Kansas: Scott Mitchell?!? Really?!?

Satan: Sure. He’s ripped out more hearts than I have. I love that guy. I’m also building a special wing for your first round draft picks that turn out to be busts. It’s huge.

Kansas: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. By the way, how do you keep the lake of eternal fire burning?

Satan: With the souls of Islamo-terrorists. They’re my best recruits and I basically have an endless supply of ‘em. All I have to do is say “72 virgins” and they’re jumping in line to get here. He, he! They’re so gullible. I can’t believe they fall for that crap every time.

Kansas: So what can you do to get the Lions to win a Super Bowl in my lifetime?

Satan: Wow. That’s a toughie. They are so bad and their management is so incompetent, there’s only so much I can do. Let me think………………..OK, if you sold me your soul and the souls of your children, I might be able to get them to 10-6 with an ass-whuppin’ in the first round of the playoffs.

Kansas: Geez. That's really tempting, but we already had that in 1995.

Satan: I know. I hope Daytona John enjoys his time here.

[-Deborah-]

lmao!!

[Panoptes]

You crack me up man.

<STANDING OVATION>

[dwt1]

I have scalding coffee from a McDonald’s drive-thru

did you know that the woman this happened too, the coffee was so hot it melted the nylon pants she was wearing into her skin. It took seven surgeries to repair the damage. That's why see recieved such a big settlement.

[Kansas]

That damn Satan.