Joke Thread

[Tony G]

Ha! Good one

[dsred]

Girl with one leg....Peg.

[DanO]

I thought it was Eileen.

[dsred]

I thought it was Eileen.

No, that's girl-with-one-leg-shorter-than the-other.

[Marko69]

Was at the disco the other night.
They played the Harlem shuffle......, so I shuffled.
They played boogie nights......, so I boogied
They played Come on Eileen......, got fucking thrown out.

[Sharkbait]

LOL Marko

[DanO]

"No, that's girl-with-one-leg-shorter-than the-other."
----------Ahhhhh Yes!

[CGVT]

Idiot dog to any home

$20 to cover cost of electric training collar.
This dog is a North American Black and Tan Jackass, 2 years old and has ADHD.
Likes to dig. Will dig his own water bowls. He will eat any kind of food or non-foods. In the past he has eaten and returned: two pig-shaped corn holders, pencils (found metal and eraser), matchbox cars, a spoon, everything out of the compost bin, and a diamond necklace.
He's REALLY friendly and will hump any dog or small child he can find. Yes, he's neutered.
Excellent jumper. Would be a great foxhunter if he was a horse.
Can not walk in a straight line.
Can not be walked in town. He will have a meltdown; yipping, spinning, and working himself up so much that he will collapse from the sheer mental exhaustion that comes from walking to the corner store.
Will not bark at strangers in your home.
Attention span maxes out at 4 seconds. Not food, toy, clicker, or praise motivated. You can watch his brain shut off. His eyes go vacant in a blink.
Pulls. Pulls HARD. Wear gloves while working with him. I have lost skin from the leash being ripped from my hands.
Will respond to shock collar beep and occasionally vibrate settings. Ignores shock setting.
If you are interested in adopting Dingus, let me know. I'll leave him attached to the mailbox for pickup.

[SeattleLionsFan]

And then there's this....

[CGVT]

Scottish Banter
Read this.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper?s cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn?t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn?t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I?ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ?Amazing Grace,? the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, ?I never seen nothin? like that before and I?ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, I?m still lost? It?s a man thing.

[Marko69]

Superb Cgvt.

More Scottish humour:

Frenchman: after sex, I have wine and chocolate with my wife, drives her crazy.
Italian: after sex, I have strawberries and cream with my wife, drives her wild.
Scotsman: after sex, I wipe my cock on the curtains. Drives her fucking mental.

[Malto Marko]

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you, sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.



Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.




The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000.
The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'










The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'










'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings .'









'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:








1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[LionsFanInJapan]

Ha! And go Billings!

[Tony G]

A lawyer that smart must be from Idaho, not Montana. ;-)

[DanO]

"The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties."
----------------------------I told you not to say anything..................

LOL, btw. I should send this to my attorney.