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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:22 PM   #21
Kansas
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Oct 3, 2002 12:44 pm

Wow. I was so excited after that game I felt like a 10-year-old schoolgirl riding a vibrating Harry Potter broomstick while Bolero played in the background. And just when you realize how great that feeling is and how you can't wait to feel it again, your mom reads a newspaper article written by some frigid, prude consumer advocate and removes the batteries from the broomstick and hides the Ravel CD and extra batteries in the bottom of her underwear drawer. Because, after all, you are a Lions fan and it's for your own good.

See, I’ve been there before. I’ve fallen for the excitement, and giddiness, and delirium that comes with the 6-2 starts, the 8 game win streaks, playoff berths, the NFC Championship game, the victories over talented, undefeated teams; and what did that end up getting me? Thrilling memories that will last forever? No. Maalox moments. So I’m not doing it again. Huh uh. My hopes have been high before - sky high. But then they always come crashing back to earth like they were stowed in the cargo bay of the space shuttle Challenger, where they sink to the ocean floor, become fish food, and wind up hanging from the butt hole of an Atlantic mackerel.

Well, I don’t know about you, but this time I don’t want my hopes hanging from the butt hole of an Atlantic mackerel. I want my hopes just where they are, thank you very much - securely fastened to the lead balloon that is the history of the last 45 years of Detroit Lions football.

And can you blame me? I mean, let’s face it, we fans have been treated pretty poorly in this relationship. The Lions are like a coked up Ike Turner. They punch you in the face with stupid two-point conversions. They kick you in the ribs with poorly thrown passes that are returned for touchdowns in overtime. They pull out your hair with bad drafts and terrible free agent acquisitions. You try to run away, but nooooooooo.....................they catch you, and then they throw you on the sofa and beat you, and beat you, and beat you with dumb penalties, dropped passes, horrible blocking, blowout playoff losses! But finally, you break free! You pack your bags, and move in with your mother, hoping that the nightmare is over and swearing that you’ll never go back!

And then....................<sigh>................. ...they call you at your mom’s house; crying, begging, saying how sorry they are and that it will never happen again. And just to prove it, they show up later at your mom’s front door with a box of chocolates and a long-stemmed Saints victory. And what do you do? Well, you have Battered Lions Fan Syndrome. You have no choice. So you go running back to them with your fat lip and black eye thanking God that you got the bye week before they kick your teeth in again.

Well not me, baby. Not this time. Not until the Lions get some counseling. My hopes are staying right here on the ground where.................................hey! Joey!!! You come back here with my hopes right now!! JOEY!!!!!!!

dammit

Lions 31 – bye 0
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:31 PM   #22
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Oct 15, 2002 1:45 pm

EXCLUSIVE: Kansas Interviews God

Kansas: Hello, everybody. This is Kansas, and I’m here in Heaven sitting at the left hand of God – the Creator of the Universe, the Giver of Life, the Most High, the...

God: Oh, please stop. You’re embarrassing me.

Kansas: First of all, I’d like to thank God for allowing me to visit Heaven without having to strike me dead first.

God: Not a problem. I’m glad to have you. In fact, I haven’t had an interview since Moses came to the mountain. He was a regular Larry King. Grilled me for 40 days trying to get all my laws and commandments. I had hundreds of ‘em, but the little guy could only carry two of those heavy rock slabs, so you only got ten. It’s a darn shame.

Kansas: Interesting. I see that you have your hand on the seat to the right of you. Are you saving it for someone?

God: Yeah. Jesus is making an appearance in the mildew of a shower curtain of a little old lady who lives in an apartment building in Van Nuys. He loves freaking people out like that. If I don’t save his seat while he’s gone, the Pope always tries to take it.

Kansas: Which Pope is that?

God: All of ‘em! The egotistical little bastar...

Kansas: Oh. Well, let’s get right to it. God, for the last 45 years, the Lions haven’t won.....well.....anything. The main question that I and a lot of other Lions fans have for you is.....do you hate the Lions?

God: Well, I really haven’t gotten over that whole "throwing the Christians to the lions" thing. Ya know, I worked really hard to create Christianity and the lions sure didn’t help by eating the believers.

Kansas: Ummmmmmm.....I don’t mean to question your omniscience, but those were "real" lions, and that happened hundreds and hundreds of years ago.

God: Really. Seems like just yesterday to me.

Kansas: So does that mean you really do hate the Lions?

God: Look, there are some good guys on the Lions; some true believers. But sometimes I do things to just mess with ‘em, ya know what I mean?

Kansas: You mean like the time Eddie Murray missed the field goal against the 49ers?

God: Yep, that was me.

Kansas: How about the Bears running back the kickoff in overtime in the 1980 Thanksgiving game?

God: Me.

Kansas: Rodney Peete in the ’95 playoff game?

God: Me.

Kansas: The two point conversions in Arizona? The ’91 NFC Championship game? Billy Sims’ blown knee? Barry Sanders’ retirement?

God: Me, me, me, and me.

Kansas: Scott Mitchell?!?

God: No, no, no. That was Satan’s doing. It did crack me up though.

Kansas: You mentioned that there are some good guys on the Lions team. Let’s talk about a few of them. How do you feel about Az Hakim?

God: Hang on a minute. MARY!!! Could you please bring me the Book of Lives!!..........<Mary walks over and hands God a huge book>..........Thank you, sweetheart.

Kansas: Wow. She’s pretty.

God: Hey, you don’t think I’d impregnate a repulsive pig, do ya? I’m God, not Tom Arnold. OK, lemme see if I can find him here in the Book of Lives........Hakim, Hakim, Hakim........ah! Here he is. Yeah, I remember him now. He’s the little Muslim guy. Ya know, I’m not sure if the Muslims are for me or against me. I mean, they do a lot of praying, but then they do weird things in my name like blowing up buses and flying airplanes into buildings. So, sometimes I make him drop an easy pass or two. But, to make up for it, I blessed him with speed..........or was it quickness. Hmph, I can’t remember anymore. I’m gettin’ a little old, ya know? <Punches me in the arm>

Kansas: Uh huh. What about Todd Lyght?

God: Let’s see........Lyght, Lyght, Lyght........ah, yes. Here he is. Hmmmmmmmmm.....that’s interesting. Apparently Todd should’ve died of old age in 1997. I’m gonna have to make a quick note and follow up with Gabriel.

Kansas: No, no, no. That’s OK. I probably shouldn’t have brought him up. Ummmm.....what about Joey Harrington? Nice Catholic kid. You shouldn’t have any problems with him, right?

God: Lessee here.....Harrington, Harrington..........uh oh. It says here that he’s gay. You know how I feel about homosexuality. I mean, just look what I did to Sodom and Gomor...

Kansas: NO! I mean, I hate to interrupt, but I think you’re book is mistaken. I think that was just a misinterpretation from an interview that he had with a news reporter.

God: Well, says here that he lives with a guy, plays the piano and his favorite video game is Ms. Pacman. And his name is Joey, after all. Not just plain ol' Joe, or a manly name like Gunther, or Lyle. I mean, if that’s not proof enough that he’s a flaming...

Kansas: NO! Heh, heh. No, God, really. I...I...I think it’s all just a big mistake. I mean, Joey has a girlfriend and everything. In fact, from what I understand she is quite attractive and I’m sure if you look closer in the book you’ll find that it’s just all one big misunder...

God: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Boy, I really got ya good with that one! <punches me in the arm again> HAHAHAHA!!! You shoulda seen the look on your face!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

Kansas: You mean...........Joey’s not gay?

God: Of course not, son. It was just a gag. Bobby Layne put me up to it. He thought it’d be funny.

Kansas: Oh, thank God.

God: Your welcome.

Kansas: So, one more question. Do you think you can help the Lions out a little bit? I mean...ya know...get them to the Super Bowl?

God: With your defense?!?!? Son, look. A miracle like that would make the parting of the Red Sea look like a cheap card trick. Everyone would know without a doubt that I truly do exist. I might as well just call down in a mighty voice saying, "I AM HERE!!!" Know what I mean? Could you imagine if everyone on the planet suddenly believed in me? No more wars, or murders, or robberies..........I mean, what kind of world would that be? I might as well just blow it up, bring you all to Heaven, and start all over again on some other planet.

Kansas: Ok, ok, ok. I get it. But, if not this year, could you at least get the Lions to a Super Bowl before I die?

God: Hmmmmmmm...................<looks in the Book of Lives>.....................Kansas, Kansas, Kans.....ah, here you are. Ummmmmmm, you better quit smoking.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:32 PM   #23
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Dec 3, 2002 4:41 pm

So, I’m sitting there watching the Lions/Bears game. The Lions have a 3-point lead. It’s 4th and 20. About a minute left to go in the game, and the Lions are on the verge of victory. Here’s the snap and....................OMIGAWD!!! Miller fell down!! He fell down!! He fell dow............................oh, shit.

On those rare occasions when the Lions have a lead late in the game, do you ever find yourself saying, "Game over, man! Game over!", but you say it like Private Hudson in the movie Aliens? Yeah.................me too.

And then there was the New England game. Thanksgiving Day, national television, and our handsome, young, boy-next-door quarterback throws the ball away like his mom just told him if he touched it too long, he’d grow hair in his palms. And finally, there was...................The Drive. With the Lions surprisingly still in the game and in a "must stop" situation, the Patriots marched down the field, eating up the final 9:46 of the game clock while our beloved Lions mounted a defensive effort that made the French defense of their homeland against the German hordes seem almost heroic in comparison.

The Lions die so easy. If Bruce Willis ever made a movie with the Lions as inspiration, the terrorists would burst through door, Bruce would piss down his leg, and then he’d get shot in the heart before the opening credits scrolled off the screen. The remaining 2 hours of the movie would be a hodge-podge of scenes showing Nakatomi executives blaming the successful terrorist attack on everything from holes in the security system to the age and incompetency of the guards they were forced to hire due to budget constraints.

Truthfully, I’d love to write a Drew Sharp-esque commentary lambasting Matt and Marty for the state of our Lions. Like my dear old Mom used to say, "If you can’t say anything nice about someone, then belittle and degrade them until they sulk away in shame and slit their wrists." But, as my dad lay in the emergency room getting his wrists sewn up and a blood transfusion.................again, he told me that perhaps my mom’s way of doing things might not always be the best approach.

I mean, Matt and Marty may not have a clue, but even a boob could guide a team of professional, athletically gifted men to more than 5 wins in two years. Right?? So there must be something more devious at work here. From the last commentary, we know that God isn’t exactly on our side, but he doesn’t hate us either. So what is it??

Well, after diligent research, I’ve discovered that the state of Michigan covers approximately 96,000 square miles, and Ford field covers approximately 1.85 million square feet. The odds have to be staggering. I mean, it’s almost statistically impossible.......but, the only explanation..................and I know this sounds crazy..................but the only explanation is that somehow the Fords went and built their dome on another sacred Indian burial ground.

I know!!! I don’t believe it either!! But what else could it be?!? According to my calculations, in order for another dome to be built on top of another sacred Indian burial ground, the Native American population in Michigan at the absolute height of their existence would have been 3.6 billion Indians. There must've been a burial ground every..................geez, I dunno...................every 200 or 300 feet! They had to be dropping like flies! I'm guessing Dano's great, great, great grandpa started a syphillis epidemic the likes we've never seen. I mean, there has to be literally no land space available in the state of Michigan where you could erect a building without disturbing the spirits of some long dead chieftain and his warriors. And I tell you what.............................they're pissed.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:45 PM   #24
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I'm guessing Dano's great, great, great grandpa started a syphillis epidemic the likes we've never seen.

hahaha
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:49 PM   #25
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This is one of my personal favorites.

Dec 4, 2002 11:14 am

Alex Trebek: Hello! My name is Alex Trebek, and welcome to Lions Jeopardy! The game where the answers - and questions - only make sense if you’re a coach or executive in the Detroit Lions organization. Today our competitors are Team President Matt Millen, Head Coach Marty Mornhinweg, and replacing WCF Sr. – who has the flu – is Executive Director of Player Personnel Bill Tobin. Welcome, gentlemen. Let’s take a look at today’s Jeopardy categories. We have Potent Potables, Free Agency, Players, and Six. Just so you know, in the last category, the answer will always be "six". Matt, you have the board.

Matt Millen: Alex, I’ll take Free Agency for $100.

Alex: And the answer is: 34 <beep, beep, beep> Bill Tobin.

Bill Tobin: What number does James Stewart wear?

Alex: Oooooooooooo, sorry. <beep, beep, beep> Matt Millen.

Matt: What is the age that a free agent cornerback reaches his physical peak?

Alex: Correct! Pick again.

Matt: Ummmmm, I’ll take Six for $100, Alex.

Alex: And the answer is: Six <beep, beep, beep> Bill.

Bill: Alex, it’s the number of signed contracts that are needed after a player and the team have agreed to terms. One goes to the player, another to the team, another to the player’s agent, another to the league office, and the others to two, geographically dispersed locations for safe storage in a reinforced, fire-proof vault.

Alex: Ooooooooooo, sorry. And please remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question. <beep, beep, beep> Marty.

Marty Mornhinweg: Alex, what is the number of inches the Lions can’t run for on 3rd down?

Alex: Correct! We also would’ve accepted - The number of inches the Lions cannot get on 4th down. Marty, you have the board.

Bill: Wait a minute!! My answer was correct too.

Alex: Bill, remember, you have to answer like a clueless Lions executive. Pretend you're WCF Sr. Go ahead, Marty.

Marty: I’ll take Potent Potables for $200.

Alex: And the answer is: Drunk. <beep, beep, beep> Matt.

Matt: What was I when I hired Marty?

Alex: Correct! We also would have accepted – What was WCF when he hired Matt? What was Marty during the last Chicago game? Or What has Matt been during the entire Free Agency period? Matt, you have the board.

Bill: This is stupid.

Alex: Now you’re getting it, Bill. Go ahead, Matt.

Matt: Alex, I’ll take Players for $400.

Alex: And the answer is: Devout Coward. <beep, beep, beep> Bill.

Bill: What bonehead, stupid thing did..........ummmmm, I mean........what motivational, inspirational thing did Matt Millen call one of his players on a Chicago radio program?

Alex: Oooooooooo, sorry. Nice try. Now you’re thinking like a Lion executive, but that is not the question we are looking for. <beep, beep, beep> Matt again.

Matt: Who is Scotty Anderson?

Alex: Correct! We also would have accepted - Who is Bill Schroeder, Robert Porcher, Luther Ellis, Chris Claiborne, Jeff Backus, Az Hakim, Eric Davis, Stockar McDougle, Todd Lyght, Dominic Raiola, Germane Crowell, Mikhael Ricks, Shaun Rogers, Aveion Cason, Tony Semple, Barrett Green, or Desmond Howard. Choose again, Matt.

Matt: I’ll take Six for $1000.

Alex: And the answer is: Six. <beep, beep, beep> Bill.

Bill: Ummmmmmm...............lessee................oh! I know............How many years does it take to turn around a losing football franchise?

Alex: Correct! Nice job, Bill. You’re on the plus side. We also would have accepted the number of years it takes a quarterback to learn the West Coast offense. And that takes us to Final Lions Jeopardy. Matt Millen has the lead with $700, followed by Bill Tobin with $400, and Marty trailing with only $100. The Final Lions Jeopardy category is: Overtime. Please place your bets now.

OK, the Final Lions Jeopardy answer is: "Take the win." Please write down your answers now, and remember to phrase them in the form of a question.

<Jeopardy music>

All right, time’s up. Since this is Lions Jeopardy, we’ll do everything backwards and start with the player who has the most points. Matt, what did you write down?

Matt: What did we allow Chicago to do to us in overtime on their first possession?

Alex: Ooooooooooooo, sorry. And you wagered? Everything, bringing your total to zero. I don’t know, Matt, but that’s kinda dumb to wager everything when you had a sizeable lead.

Matt: You wanna wrestle, Alex? Come on! It’s go time, baby!

Alex: Ummmmmmm, no. Let’s go next to Bill Tobin. Bill, what did you write down?

Bill: I couldn’t think of anything stupid enough to write down, Alex.

Alex: Ooooooooo, sorry. You also wagered everything, bringing your total to zero. Now, let’s go to Marty Morhinweg. Marty, what did you write down?

Marty: What did I tell the guys to do when I sent them out for the overtime coin toss? See, I didn’t know we actually played more football. I thought if you won the toss then..........you know............you won the game. So when the guys asked me what I wanted them to do if they won the toss, I said, "Sheesh. Take the win." And I think they misunderstood me and thought I said, "Take the wind" or something like that. I mean, geez, it was all just so confusing and...

Alex: That’s correct!!!

Bill: Oh gawd.

Alex: And your new Lions Jeopardy Champion is Marty Mornhinweg! We’ll see you all next time on.............Lions Jeopardy! Good night.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:56 PM   #26
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One of my faves!
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Old January 10th, 2005, 06:45 PM   #27
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Well, it finally happened. Complete and total apathy has set in. I watched that last Lions/Titans game with the same interest as I would the three-hour season finale of Fox network’s Queer Eye For My Big Fat Obnoxious Millionaire Apprentice Blind Date Who Might Be My Daddy……….um……..Guy.

In a season where just being average could get you into the playoffs, the Lions collapsed easier than the wooden tower in a Jenga game pitting Muhammed Ali against Michael J. Fox. And it’s a darn shame too, because all the Lions really needed to do to get me back on the "Wait 'Til Next Year" bandwagon was show some modicum of improvement, some snail-like advancement toward mediocrity, some speck of respectability. And, no, I don’t mean just one more win than the year before. I mean where they were prior to Black Tuesday January 9, 2001. The date Matt Millen was hired. The same Black Tuesday that triggered the last four years of the Great Regression.

Right now, I’m easy. Just a measly 8-8 record and a first round ass kicking in the playoffs would’ve actually made me quite happy. And it really doesn’t take much to make me happy. I don’t need fancy cars, designer clothes or expensive toys. I mean, I come from a family where teeth are considered bling. All I really want before I die is to see the Lions win the Super Bowl.

Screw killing Osama Bin Laden. Screw Iraqi freedom. Screw suitcase nukes and terrorist threats. Hell, screw world peace altogether. All I want is the Lions in a Super Bowl. But after this season, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it will never happen. Therefore, it’s time to switch goals. If I’m going to die happy then – dammit - I want to die in a forty-foot tall tsunami after 5 days of hot monkey sex in a Thai beach bungalow with a Victoria’s Secret supermodel. And if the Lions win a home playoff game before that, then I might consider trading the Victoria’s Secret supermodel for Janeane Garofalo, but they would have to cover.

So let’s analyze what the Lions have to do to win a home playoff game. First of all, Joey has to get more accurate. If Lee Harvey Oswald had Joey’s accuracy, he would’ve aimed at JFK’s head and ended up shooting the second gunman on the Grassy Knoll, sparing us all 43 years of lame conspiracy theories and “Camelot” documentaries.

Secondly, when Joey actually is accurate, the receivers have to catch the ball. I don’t know what kind of disease these guys have, but I think Az Hakim is a carrier, and now he’s given it to Roy Williams. Az is like the Typhoid Mary of brick hands, and he needs to be quarantined in some other NFL city before he can infect any more Lions.

Charles Rogers. Charles is like that first condom I bought when I was fifteen. Ya know, just in case. And by the time I was 17, that same condom had worn a ring in the leather of my wallet because it had still never been used. Well, Charles, get ready. Cuz it’s Prom Night, baby, and I got a litre of Jack and the school slut is my date. If you break after 30 seconds this time, I’m naming my firstborn syphilis sore after you.

Fernando Bryant. I’m waiting for a postgame press conference where all the cameras are rolling and Killer Kowalski asks Fernando why he was playing 15 yards off the line of scrimmage on a crucial 3rd and 5, and Fernando stands up, peels off his face like a Halloween mask, and reveals he is actually………………….TERRY FAIR!!!! AGGGGHHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! RUN FOR YOUR………….ok, he was injured most of the year. But, geez. This guy has Third Downs Syndrome. “Yea! He caught the ball! Yea! Yea! He caught it again! Yea! Yea! Wow, Marvin Harrison is fast! Yea! He caught it again! Yea!”

Last but not least – the Safeties. If Saturday Night Live wrote a sketch about these guys then………….well, it wouldn’t be funny…………….but it would end with something about both of them living in a van down by the river. These guys suck, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don’t know what Terrence Holt did wrong, but he got sentenced Stalin-style. He’s making ice cubes out of glaciers in Jauron’s Siberian gulag while Marion and Walker patrol the Lions secondary like Stevie Wonder who lost a contact lens. I mean, if you can’t see Randy Moss flying by you on 3rd and a billion, then your driver’s license most certainly has the “legally blind” box checked. Maybe in Jauron’s simplistic way of thinking he doesn’t like Holt just because he likes the alliteration of Marion’s and Walkers first names. If I’m Holt, I'm taking no chances. I come back to training camp with my first name legally changed to Brerrence.

All right, that’s it for now. I could go on and on but it’s not worth it. I have to remember my apathy……………..and my Valium
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Old January 10th, 2005, 07:07 PM   #28
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Take the win. LOL. I must have missed that one.

GO LIONS "05" !!!
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Old January 10th, 2005, 07:30 PM   #29
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I mean, I come from a family where teeth are considered bling.
laugh out loud funny lol

The Great Regression is perfect!!
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Old January 10th, 2005, 11:16 PM   #30
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Funny shit Kansas!
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Old January 11th, 2005, 07:34 AM   #31
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Quote:
This guy has Third Downs Syndrome.
Spppppllllllliiiiisshhh.

Guys, get a towl. Dad did it again.


Funny shit, Kansas. I think you have inspired me.
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Old January 11th, 2005, 09:01 AM   #32
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Bravo, Kansas, Bravo
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I really have no interest in investing my time to come up with something entertaining to ridicule this team
In this day and age, the windmills come pre-tilted and the Lions games come as prepackaged losses.
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Old January 11th, 2005, 10:00 AM   #33
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funny...I'd never seen the Gamecock bit before. Makes me homesick.

sniff
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Old January 11th, 2005, 10:05 AM   #34
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homesick for a little gamecock ???

<insert your own joke here>
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In this day and age, the windmills come pre-tilted and the Lions games come as prepackaged losses.
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Old January 11th, 2005, 01:24 PM   #35
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keep it going kansaw - we're already into ye olde season of discontente
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Old February 16th, 2005, 04:25 PM   #36
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I'm bumping this cuz I just reread the Interview With God and I'm still laughing....
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Old February 16th, 2005, 05:02 PM   #37
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He ought to interview Satan next
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Old February 16th, 2005, 08:48 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by Coop
He ought to interview Satan next
News flash Coop.....Kansas IS Satan!!! :wink:

So to interview himself he'd need to be a split personality
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Old April 11th, 2005, 11:52 AM   #39
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I've got to brag a little bit, and I didn't know where to put this.....................so I'll put it here.

My youngest son is a freshman in high school and is the starting second baseman on the "reserve" baseball team. The "reserve" team is made of freshman and a few sophomores. Anyways, they played Lincoln Southeast high school on Saturday. He was 2 for 4 with............................two homeruns. His first homer was an inside-the-parker that caromed off the right-centerfield wall. His second one was a bomb over the left-center wall. His first homeruns ever.

Not bad for a 5'10" kid who weighs 150 lbs. soaking wet.

He's going to be a playa.
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Old April 11th, 2005, 11:54 AM   #40
-Deborah-
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That's terrific!!

I can't believe your youngest is a freshman already. Geeze.
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