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Old December 6th, 2004, 02:28 PM   #1
Panoptes
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Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

This thread is a must for Lions fans everywhere.
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Old December 12th, 2004, 12:19 AM   #2
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We really need to get some of Kansas' best posts here, such as his interview with God, The gamecocks article, etc.
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Old December 12th, 2004, 09:19 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan V
We really need to get some of Kansas' best posts here, such as his interview with God, The gamecocks article, etc.
GO COCKS!!

GO LIONS "04" !!!
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Old December 12th, 2004, 10:31 AM   #4
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The inteview with God is the all-time best post EVER!
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Old December 12th, 2004, 10:43 AM   #5
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It is one of the all time funny things I've read...
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Old December 12th, 2004, 11:47 AM   #6
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Feel free to copy a favorite over...
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Old December 16th, 2004, 07:07 AM   #7
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These need to be preserved. Here is a start.

by Kansas.....

By the time Peyton Manning threw his sixth touchdown pass, the glare from the light bulbs on the Colts side of the scoreboard was so strong it was like staring into an eclipse of the sun. I had to finish watching the game using the ol’ pinhole-in-the-cardboard projection method just to keep my retinas from exploding. And I was watching it on TV.

We all know how the Lions and their Career Day Defense can make career backups with weak arms and lousy wide receivers look like Peyton Manning, so – really – what did you think they were going to make Peyton Manning look like. I’ll tell you. The CDD gave such a strong effort that they not only allowed Manning to tie an NFL record with 6 TD passes, but they actually let him throw three TD passes to a small, slow, white guy. I mean, come on. What decade is this? The 1950s? I thought I’d entered a time warp and was watching Unitas to Berry for an hour and a half. Seriously, I’d almost bet a paycheck that there isn’t another white WR in the league that’s had three TD catches the entire season, let alone in one game.

The only possible way to stop Manning was to put pressure on him. Which brings us to Kalimba Edwards. I haven’t heard his name for months. Which is great if he was in a police lineup. And I haven’t seen his name in a newspaper. Which is great if I was reading the list of sexual offenders that have moved to my neighborhood. And I haven’t even heard his name spoken on television........by anybody........even Bill Maas........even accidentally........like, “And Harold Edwards beats the left tackle badly for the sack! Great play by Harold!”........nothing, nada, zilch, zero, diddly over squat. When he was drafted, experts were saying that he was too big to play linebacker and too small to play end. He was a “tweener”. Well, they were right. Cuz right now he’s somewhere between his next NFL team and his sofa.

With no pressure from the front four, it certainly seemed logical that blitzing Manning was perhaps the only other option. Since we didn’t do that and have rarely done it all season, the only possible explanation I can come up with is that our defensive coordinator is either Jewish or a Jewish sympathizer who can not in good faith employ a tactic that was used by the Germans to launch WWII and ultimately led to the deaths of six million of his brothers and sisters. I know that sounds weird, but if that truly is the case - and with all due respect to my Jewish friends - then give me a defensive coordinator who’s a goose-stepping, brownshirt wearing, zeig heiling, swastika tattooed, blonde haired, blue eyed, full-blooded, Aryan Nazi who calls a “BLITZ!” with all the red-faced, vein bulging, fist pumping, spit-flying venom he can muster.

With no pressure and no blitz, we had to rely on the secondary to keep Manning in check. Good call. Marvin Harrison beat Fernando Bryant like a drunk, fat Pistons fan. I’m seriously longing for the good ol’ days when Terry Fair was handing out 3rd and longs nine out of ten times, and then on the tenth time getting a 15 yard taunting penalty. And Dre’ Bly? I haven’t seen a guy so good turn so bad since........well........since Joey between games 6 and 7. Seriously, what is it about putting on a Lions uniform that turns these guys into an unviable mass of post-coital sheet slime?

And why is it that other teams can run a screen pass on 3rd and twelve for a first down, and the Lions screen pass looks like it was drawn up by a far-sighted, four-year-old Pablo Picasso who’s had way too much cough syrup?

Now that we have the Lions-mandated quarterback controversy, my personal opinion is that we need to cut Joey Harrington some slack. I mean, sure he has the leadership qualities of Jessica Simpson captaining the team from M.I.T. in the Poulan Weedeater Knowledge Bowl, but every Lions fan knows that it takes three........I mean, four........no, five.........yeah, five seasons to master the West Coast Offense. And now that this season is for all intents and purposes swirling down the crapper, and even though Joey probably needs all the reps and game time that he can accumulate to improve his accuracy to the point where can hit the NARROW side of a barn, I still think it would be much more fun and entertaining to grease up “The Hairless Wonder” Mike McMahon with some Crisco and let him run around the field like one of them Arkansas pig chasing contests. Suuuuuuuuuuuu-EY!!

This week we have the Cardinals. Does anyone really have any doubt that John Navarre won’t leave Ford Field looking like he’s headed for Disney World? And Emitt Smith, whose grandchildren will be in attendance if they can get out of college early on Friday, will run so easily for so many yards against the CDD that he will delude himself – again – into thinking that’s he got another five years in him.

Ah, yes. It’s great being a Lions fan in December. Really, the NFL should let the Lions just play ten games. Think about it, we would’ve been 4-6 this season. That’s almost .500, baby! No stressful playoff possibilities to worry about. No having to root for Green Bay to knock someone off to ensure the Lions a backdoor wildcat spot. Nope. Just total relaxation. And better yet, we can focus all our football attention on watching the Lions next wasted draft pick on Saturdays.

Yep, it sure is great being a Lions fan in December.
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Old December 18th, 2004, 12:59 PM   #8
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that is some great stuff
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:27 PM   #9
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Oh, come on. If you’re reading this, you knew it. You may not have said it openly. In fact, you may have tried to suppress it………..like a fart in a crowded airplane. But you knew. You knew way down deep in your Honolulu Blue belly that there was no earthly way they were going to make that extra point. The ones that didn’t know it saw that snap bouncing along the turf and may have managed an “I’m comin’, Elizabaeth!” before their hearts exploded, sending them to a blissful, eternal sleep free from the shackles of agony and despair of Lions fandom. Those lucky bastards.

But none of us……………NONE OF US……………would still be alive and kicking if that was the final play of the Super Bowl. But, all of you still with me know that that is exactly how a Super Bowl would unfold if…………..IF………….the Lions ever get there. A missed field goal, a botched extra point, a kickoff return in overtime, an interception on the game winning drive……….in the endzone………..when we’re down by two……………at our opponents’ 5………………with 10 seconds left in the game. THAT, my dear friends, is our destiny. Nothing good will ever happen to us. I’m starting to feel like a starving Ethiopian and having Sam Kennison screaming in my ear, “IT’S THE FRIGGIN” DESERT!! IT WILL ALWAYS BE THE DESERT!! MOVE!! PACK YOUR STUFF UP AND MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!” The Lions are our Sahara…………………..and we don’t have a U-Haul.

Don’t believe me? OK.

For the second time in his career, Joey actually threw for over 300 yards. An event so rare that ancient Mayan prophecy foretells that something that unlikely occurring twice would trigger the cataclysmic battle between the forces of Quetzalcoatl and the spirit demons of Xibalba which, of course, causes the entire planet to be covered in a gradually rising “lake of fire” resulting in the terrible, slow, agonizing deaths of all life as we know it.

Gee thanks, Joey. Poor kid can’t do anything right. I don’t know about you, but when faced with being slowly burned to death from the feet up…………um, well………….5 of 22 for 47 yards is a damn good outing.

On the other hand, after watching our Safeties play defense, burning slowly to death from the feet up might actually be a welcome relief. Either that or smearing Smuckers all over my eyelids and being staked down on top of a fire ant hill. Helen Keller just had to be a Lions fan. It’s the only possible way to enjoy them. Blind, deaf, dumb…………and stupid wouldn’t hurt either. Lesseee. Third and 24. On the Vike 18 yard line. Daunte Culpepper. Randy Moss. Hmmmmmm……….what’s the one thing that Brock Marion and Bracy Walker absolutely can NOT let happen? I would give them a clue, but I don’t think they could get a clue if I gave them a wheelbarrow full of money, doused them with cologne that was irresistible to clues, and then gave them very clear and precise directions to the clue red light district.

And what is the deal with Dick Jauron not playing Terrence Holt? I mean, with our Safeties that’s like having Kukulcan on the bench when you’re playing the spirit demons of Xibalba!!! It’s just crazy!! Seriously, does Jauron have a nappy-haired kid with brown eyes and Holt’s DNA structure?!? If not, he needs a Bracy enema cuz he’s lodged up in there pretty tight.

I’ve almost had it. Not quite, but almost. And if this really is our destiny……………I mean………………come on, destiny. Throw us a friggin’ bone here.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:45 PM   #10
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OK, the next few posts are some of my own favorites. They're the only ones I thought were remotely funny.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:45 PM   #11
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Mullet Haiku

Ahem.......

Shampoo stings my eyes,
I will never feel that twice:
slick hair smells like gas

O! SQUIRREL, brother,
Your tail, my hair We are one
Yet I must eat you

Razor set to one
Do front and sides and then stop
Reaffirm my style

Short like my schooling
Long like my prison sentence
The penal haircut

I liked that foreign
legion movie so much, I
grew me one them hats

Short in front for dad
Long for the daughter mom wants
Everyone's happy

Ponytails are for wimps
But if you let that hair loose
You are my brother

My hair: slammin like
Stone Cold. Can I get a Hell yeah!
Hell yeah! Hell yeah! <burp>

Bald on the top and
long on the back, behold my
glorious skullet


Brown edged tank top sticks
to my white clumpy armpits
Somehow I get laid

You smoke me up and
jerk me off. You are the best
And I love you, sis

My uncle is my dad
My brother married my niece
Mullet family tree

With long hair in place
I am ready to party
Pass the bong, uncle

Under the Christmas tree
Tight black jeans and a comb
I've been extra good

New white tank top tucks
Neatly into tight black jeans
Redneck romeo

I sing and I dance
And I still have hockey hair
I am Menudo

Lynyrd Skynyrd didn't
win no spelling bees Who cares?
They rock the trailer

Teen runaway
I hate my dad, yet I am one.
Fly, thunderbird, fly

Metallica is
for first graders Nothing rocks
harder than Winger

Dogs urinate where
they so choose And so do I
Red and blue lights flash

This super cool hair
and a bucket of chicken:
What more could I want?
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:50 PM   #12
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Season Preview

Well, this is it. This is the time of year that Lions fans everywhere breathlessly anticipate the upcoming football season. And I would ask, like many of you, WHY? WHY? WHY? But we all know the answer, don’t we? Because a season of Lions football is like a long, wet, nationally televised Al and Tipper kiss. It’s like a 45-year continuous loop of the Zapruder film with the Lions never inching forward, but unerringly moving back and to the left.....back and to the left.....back and to the left. You want to look away. You really do. You don’t want to watch the horror unfolding before your very eyes. You want to clamp your hand over the eyes of your children before they too are forever emotionally scarred. But you don’t. You can’t! You can’t turn away any more than you could turn away from an impending train wreck. For we, my friends, are Charlie Brown. Forever kicking at that damn ball and always having it pulled away as we fall on our ass. Forever throwing our best fastball and always ending up lying on the mound in nothing but our boxers....or, for our lady readers, our panties......or, for Romster, our strawberry-flavored edibles. I’m pretty much numb to it by now, but I hope none of you younger Lions fans are too distraught because, you see, this is the lot you have chosen.

As a Lions fan, you must understand that this, right here, is as good as it gets. You think 45 years is a long time without a championship?? Ask a Red Sox fan if 45 years is a long time. We can’t beat fate, and fate can be a mean, mean bitch. And fate’s got it in for us. Somewhere along the line, somebody got something they didn't deserve, and took all the karma with them. And I'm guessing that somebody is Tony Danza, and now.....it's all coming back on us. The sooner you face it, the less painful it’ll be next time. Here’s an example. Dre’ Bly hasn’t missed a football game since the invention of light beer, yet he puts on a Lions uniform and suddenly he’s Brian Williams with a calcium deficiency. And then, Coach Marriucci has to protect him like he’s Saddam. He’s got people taste-testing his food for poison; he’s moving him from safe house to safe house; he makes sure Dre’ never sleeps more than once in the same bed in the same location. And this is a mediocre cornerback! Mooch loses one more of those guys and the next thing you know Todd Lyght’s phone is ringing, begging him to come back and get burned. Eric Davis anyone?

Yeah, yeah, “hope springs eternal”, and “we’re just a few players away”, and “we just need to tweak some things”, yada, yada, yada. Whoever says that needs to immediately leaf through the Lions merchandise catalogue and order the Lions decoder ring. Only then will you discover the true meaning behind those phrases. For some really good laughs, decode “bar is high” and “win now”.

Let’s face it. We need a miracle here, folks. We need the equivalent of an OJ acquittal. We need something along the lines of Kobe’s charges being reduced from anal rape to “following too close.” Hiring Mariucci is definitely a step in the right direction, but even he can’t stem the tide of destiny. Mooch has been very reserved in his comments to the media about the expectations of the upcoming season. You know why? Because you can’t chocolate-cover a turd and call it a Baby Ruth. He’s been singing the praises of this football team like Ozzie Osbourne in the seventh inning of a Cubs game.

So where does that leave us.....the fans? I’ll tell you. We’re screwed. We’re screwed for another year. We can’t compete with the injuries. Now Stewart’s out for the year, and we can’t even begin to defeat the same old story of the depth of our secondary. If the story of our secondary were a book in the Bible, we’d be pre-Genesis. And to top it all off, we don’t even have a gravy schedule after two seasons with just five wins! The AFC West? St. Louis? San Francisco? Green Bay and Minnesota twice? Please. Custer stood a better chance. I’m an old, tired, bitter Lions fan. I won’t believe anything from these guys until I see it on the field.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:52 PM   #13
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Sep 4, 2003 10:01 am
Lions sign corner – add depth

Detroit (AP) – Continuing to add depth to their depleted secondary, the Lions announced the signing of veteran actor Abe Vigoda. Financial details of the contract were unavailable, but the length of the contract is reportedly for ten years.

Vigoda worked out for the Lions on Monday and impressed President Matt Millen and head coach Steve Mariucci with a wind-aided 40 time of 1:34.6 and his ability to jam receivers at the line of scrimmage with his walker. "Obviously, we like his speed and aggressiveness. He ran pretty well for us, but that was in his Bermudas, black socks, sandals, and a sweater. Plus, there was a pretty brisk south wind blowing so he might be a couple of tenths slower. But still, that's a darn good time. As you know, we won’t really be able to determine his real football speed until we get the pads on him and get him out there with the rest of the guys, but so far we're really excited about him."

Although out of football since his senior year in 1938 at Sisters of Mercy Catholic High School in New York where he earned "Most Likely To Go Unmarried" honors, Vigoda has spent the last seven years preparing his mind and body for the grueling sixteen game NFL schedule. Training at the exclusive Pleasant Valley Senior Nursing Facility in Beverly Hills, Vigoda followed a strict diet regimen of lime jello and applesauce that reduced his body fat to a mere 46 percent and sculpted his 5’6" hunched over frame into a svelte 103 lbs. of bone and dermal tissue.

"Honestly, we liked Abe for several reasons. First of all, he was available. Secondly, we like the veteran experience he provides and we think he can help mentor the younger guys on the team like he did the young cops on Barney Miller. And lastly, we like his durability. I mean, seriously, I thought he died like 20 years ago", Marriucci said laughing. "It’s that kind of physical toughness that sort of drew us to him and will make him an invaluable asset to this football team, and that’s the reason we rewarded him with the ten year contract."

Although the Lions signed Vigoda, they are still interested in signing another cornerback for added insurance and depth. According to Millen, the Lions will be combing the waiver wire and cut lists, especially since negotiations ended with the untimely and unfortunate death of free agent cornerback Bob Hope. Sources within the organization report that the Lions are extremely interested in Kirk Douglas, Rodney Dangerfield, and, in an apparent youth movement, Michael J. Fox.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:55 PM   #14
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Dec 12, 2001 10:54 am

Postgame Commentary – Lions vs. Bucs

After watching the Lions, you kinda get the feeling that they’d figure out a way to lose a pie-eating contest to Karen Carpenter. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, the Lions let one of the league’s worst offenses march down the field and score the game winning touchdown.

I don’t know what he was thinking, but Vince Tobin got the crazy idea that dropping eight of our guys into coverage could somehow prevent five of their guys from catching a pass. What team has he been coaching all year? Our defense has the killer instinct of Barney Fife who left his bullet at home.

This whole year has been crazy. The Lions can’t win, Peyton Manning sucks, Beano Cook has turned into Jabba the Hutt, Afghan children are listening to ZZ Top – it’s totally nuts! But the nuttiest thing I’ve seen was Tobin substituting players while the Bucs were in their hurry-up offense. Even Ronald Reagan snapped back to reality long enough to mutter, "Nancy, honey. Better send that Tobin fella some literature."

Speaking of our defense, some day I’m gonna be farting dust, reading the Bible, cramming for finals, and I’ll still be laughing at Todd Lyght’s atttempt to tackle Alstott. He looked like somebody just pushed him in front of a subway. The last time I saw someone do something that reluctantly was when Lisa Marie Presley kissed Michael Jackson onstage at the MTV Music Awards.

On offense, McMahon played OK. Very impressed with his mobility and ability to throw on the run. He still takes off running like a Taliban hearing jet engines, but he did seem a little more poised than before.

Ya know, I’ve almost come to embrace the losing streak. In fact, I’ve already endured the wise cracks, the Lions jokes, the humiliation. But now, people see me in my Lion gear and actually are taking pity on me, like I’m Christopher Reeve stuck in a snow bank.

"Oh, look dear. There’s a poor Lions fan. Isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve ever seen? Go give him a couple of dollars."

"Ummmm............Margaret. It’s not like he’s homeless or something. He’s just a fan of the best worst football team in NFL history. Or maybe it’s the worst best - I’m not sure."

"You’re right. Maybe we should just adopt him."

See? The country pities us. Now is the time to make our mark in the record books. The absolute worst thing that can happen now is the Lions completely melting down and winning a couple of games. They must keep the streak alive. Going O-fer would make all the other ignominious Lions records merely footnotes in the annals of ineptitude. This record is the Holy Grail. This record could be our very own Vince Lombardi Trophy of futility. This record could be something that no other fan from any other team can lay claim to - something that will forever erase the memories of four decades of humdrum mediocrity – something that epitomizes an organization that for so long refused to win yet somehow managed not to lose – something that would finally put us on the map like no 8-8 season could ever do - something that will finally make you stand up and yell, "I’M A LIONS FAN AND I’M DAMNED ASHAMED OF IT!!"

Just think – only four more single digit losses and we’re guaranteed a spot in history as the best most horrible team ever! That’s not humiliation..............it’s immortality!
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:57 PM   #15
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May 24, 2002 11:05 am

Post-draft Commentary

With Joey Harrington as the first pick, the Lions have all but guaranteed themselves a quarterback controversy the likes of which have not been seen since Rusty Hilger out dueled Chuck Long for the starting nod in 1988. Matt Millen was so proud of the pick he looked like he was announcing his daughter’s engagement to Emo Phillips.

Millen really cracks me up. I like the guy, and I like what he’s doing with the franchise, but he handles situations the same way Robert Blake resolves marital problems. I now actually believe the reports of Barry Sanders’ wife being scared to death when Millen came to their house. He and Marty probably came through the door like Butch and Sundance charging out of the stable to face the Bolivian army.

"All right, lady!!! Where is he?!?"

"SCREAM!!!!! Who are you and what do you want??"

"Shut up! Marty, keep an eye on her while I search the house. If she moves, then..................uhhhhh..................thro w your sunglasses on the ground so she knows you mean business."

"Sure thing, Boss. Hey, can I make me a sandwich? That was a long bike ride and I already burned up that triple banana split from the DQ just from walking up the sidewalk."

"Yeah, sure, Jared. Go ahead and make a sandwich. Now just watch her while I look for Barry. If I’m not back in 5 minutes, assume the worst and sign Lamont Warren."

Speaking of Marty, he knows about as much of what’s going on around him as Ronald Reagan during one of his "clear" spells. It’s like, "Whoa! Where the hell am I and why am I wearing this bib?" Just like the whole Johnny Morton episode. "We would absolutely not do that (release him). We would like to re-sign him, extend him, those types of things." You mean, those types of things like...................release him? "Quick, Matt! Get him up to speed on the Morton situation before he lapses back into.................ah, dammit. Too late."

Lessee...............re-sign him | extend him | release him............I’m thinkin’ Marty wasn’t much of a Sesame Street watcher as a kid, cuz one of those things don’t belong with the others. It’s either that or Marty McFly jumped in the Delorean, sped into the future, screwed with the space/time continuum, came back, showed Mornhinweg a 2004 Sports Illustrated with Super Bowl MVP Bill Schroeder on the cover, and BAM!.............Morton’s toast. Mmmmmm.....................nah. The clueless theory holds more water.

So we got us a tyrannical GM and a confused, out-of-the-loop head coach. What’s not to love? So far, their draft has looked good and their FA period has been OK, but we still need some solid help on the OL since Bryan Robinson’s dog could get the starting nod at LG. I mean, the only guy who ever tripped over Semple was Herman. OK, OK. That’s not true and it’s probably not fair to Semple to.....................well, wait a minute. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, no. Now that I think about, that is true.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 04:59 PM   #16
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Jun 21, 2002 8:56 am

Reporting Live From The College World Series

Well, it's almost over. Clemson takes on the South Carolina Gamecocks today in a showdown to see who meets Texas in the championship game on Saturday.

Probably the most interesting thing about this year's tournament is the fact that most South Carolina fans don't put the word "Game" in front of their mascot name. In fact, one of their favorite sayings is "Y'all can't lick our Cocks!!"

As a personal assignment, I took it upon myself to learn as much as I could about the Cocks. Being somewhat curious and to fill you guys in on some lesser known World Series statistics, I perused their roster and determined that the average Cock size is about 6'0" 190 lbs. The smallest Cock was a mere 5'10" 165 lbs. My favorite player is a guy named Yaron Peters. He's a big black Cock at 6'2" 224 lbs.

Wanting to find out more about Peters, I questioned every Cocks fan I could find asking, "Are y'all proud of Yarone Peters?" From the looks and comments I got, I can honestly say that Cocks fans everywhere are extremely proud of their very own Peters.

Probably the most exciting thing that happened to me was during pregame warmups I noticed a Cock loosely swinging by the dugout. I approached him and asked, "Are you Yarone Peters' best friend?" He said, "Yeah. He had some stiffness and swelling. The trainer is down in the locker room giving Peters a massage." So I said, "Dangit! I was hoping I could get a couple of Cocks and Peters to sign my balls." He said, "Hey, I'll be happy to sign your balls. Maybe if Yarone Peters' swelling goes down, he'll come over here too."

As he got closer, I realized that you don't get a good feel for the size of these Cocks until you get to see them in person. In fact, he was probably one of the biggest Cocks I had seen yet. As he grabbed my balls, I can tell you that it was a thrill I won't long forget.

Now I know what they mean when they talk about the College World Series experience.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:00 PM   #17
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Aug 15, 2002 2:09 pm

Preseason Preview

I really don’t know where to begin. After coming off a horrendous 2-14 season, I was cautiously optimistic that our beloved Lions would somehow rebound and at least demonstrate a working knowledge of the game of football. But then I witnessed the first pre-season game. It was like watching Muhammed Ali try to write his name with an Etch-A-Sketch.

The game did draw some interest, however. We all wanted to see how the quarterbacks performed, and just as expected the much anticipated quarterback controversy arrived after just one preseason game. Mike McMahon goes 8-20, an accuracy rate equal to an armless man at a urinal. Joey Harrington got the nod in the 2nd half and demonstrated that he could at least hit the urinal cake, although he occasionally splashed some on his shoes.

I’ve been doing some thinking. Do you think McMahon can’t throw because he shaves off body hair? I mean, my wife shaves off body hair (legs, armpits, upper lip, back), and she can't throw either. Coincidence?

And then we have our............<cough>...........starting offensive line. OK, they were missing Backus, who cost me five years off my life when his knee injury was reported (which, by the way, I can’t afford if I want to see the Lions in a Super Bowl before I die). But, geez, I thought they were supposed to gel, not petrify. Our interior line makes me yearn for the likes of Mike Compton, the self-proclaimed single greatest Lions interior lineman since Ken Dallafior hung up his cleats. The only position that seems solidified for the foreseeable future is left tackle.

On the right side of the line we have oft-injured Stockar McDougle taking up the space where Aaron Gibson beached himself. This guy could sprain something sleeping. This is a day in the life of McDougle with the trainer:

Does that hurt? Yes. Does this hurt? Yes. Turn around. I can’t. Why? It hurts. Touch your toes. I can’t. Why? They hurt. Your toes hurt? I got ingrown toenails. Bend over. Ow! I haven’t done anything yet. Oh. How about this? That hurts too. I’m just taking your pulse! Yeah, well I got a scab on my wrist! OK, let’s test your reflexes. Ouch! What? My knee, my knee, AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Speaking of Aaron Gibson, something has really been bugging me lately. Our offensive line is horrible. And being the big M&M supporter that I am, I find it extremely difficult to question their offseason moves when I know they are attempting to dismantle an entire team and build for the future. BUT, considering the total lack of talent and depth on our offensive line, the release of Aaron Gibson by the Lions front office begs a serious question..............................would you rather have a million dollars or Gibson’s head filled with nickels?
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:03 PM   #18
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This one goes WAY back.

Aug 16, 2002 10:27 am

Week 1 – Lions vs. Packers –

Pregame Commentary

It’s game 1 of the new M&M regime, and it takes us to the thawed tundra of Green Bay. I’ll bet they’re watering down the field right now to slow down our linebackers.

In recent years, our offensive line has been to Charlie what the Marginot Line was to the French. Our OL was so bad Charlie looked like Reginald Denny at an LA traffic light. But this year is supposed to be different. Backus, Beverly and Stai aren’t flashy, but solid. Stockar was reportedly fat, out of shape, missed most of training camp and the pre-season with a groin pull, and still beats out Semple. GEEK! GEEK! GEEK!

Semple is so bad I can honestly say he might be better if he had both his arms cut off. In fact, maybe we should have a ceremonial pre-game dislocation of his elbow. Ya know, to kinda fire up the troops. And that leaves Gibson at RT. This guy is about as healthy as Chris Farley after a weekend bender. Besides his shoulders, most recently he had another concussion. I think he keeps getting concussions cuz he’s got a normal-sized brain inside a 10 gallon cranium. Hell, his helmet size is XX-Melon. His brain is sloshin’ around in there like a goldfish in an earthquake.

Word on the street is that the Lions didn’t display any more than a fraction of their new offense in the preseason. I hope it was a smaller fraction than, say, 9-tenths. The guy to really watch (other than Charlie) is Herman Moore. The last couple of years, Moore was being shunned like an Amish kid with a nipple ring. But, Moore says he’s excited about the upcoming year and is "mentally back". To prove it, he bought a $250,000 Ferrari. Wow. I guess the Hope diamond would have been considered too gauche. And to think, when I reward myself, I buy Budweiser instead of Busch.

Another guy to watch is David Sloan. He hasn’t changed a bit. Which is great if this was his high school reunion. Turf toe, turf toe, turf toe, broken hand. Fer crissakes, wrap yourself up in bubble plastic, climb in a padded cardboard box, dump in some styrofoam peanuts and just lay there til game day.

The Packers have Favre. The brain trust promised him that they’d surround him with weapons. They just forgot to tell him it wouldn’t be this year. Favre has Green, Levens, Schroeder and Freeman. Freeman’s coming off a concussion from a massive hit by Denver’s Eric Brown. In response to that, Gene Washington fined and suspended Mark Carrier. Green and Levens are hurting, and Schroeder is a decent #2, but he’s like Magellan without a compass when it comes to finding the end zone.

On defense, our secondary has gotten so thin that Weight Watcher’s paid ‘em a million dollars. And our DL, supposedly the strength of the defense, got run over like a Chinese protester. Tobin tells us it’s cuz we didn’t want to show anything. Well............he succeeded. I don’t want to sound pessimistic about our D, but our run defense was not good, our linebackers are slow, our secondary hands out 3rd and longs like condoms at a public high school, and, worst of all, Kowalkowski made the team. I mean, is this guy ever going to leave? He keeps treading water like a Cuban shortstop in a capsized dinghy.

But, I’m going to believe our coaches when they say they showed nothing during the preseason. I have to trust them. It’s the only thing that keeps some glimmer of hope alive. With Green Bay’s injuries and other lack of offensive weapons, I feel pretty good about this game. We may even be able to pull this one out.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:11 PM   #19
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Well, I had Ricky Williams pegged on this one.

Sep 8, 2002 8:42 am

Pregame Commentary – Week 1 – Lions vs. Dolphins

Great. The Miami Dolphins rank #1 against the pass. Not good considering the passing accuracy of our starting quarterback hovers somewhere around the percentage of Tampa Buccaneer Cheerleaders I wouldn’t do. With McMahon at the helm, the OL has to blow open some holes so that our running game gets on track early and.............................what the hell am I saying?

Actually (since I don't think we're going to score much),the key to the game is to stop the Dolphins offense and especially Ricky Williams, the only running back in the NFL with a tongue stud. Can this guy do anything else to make himself even less attractive? Like the dreadlocks weren’t enough. Here’s an idea, Shaka Zulu. Why don’t you just put a bone through your nose and complete the look. I mean, this dude is weird. Can he run? Sure.......................and thank God for that. Otherwise, he’d be out in the real world interviewing for shelf stocker at the Walmart wearing a welder’s mask and a burka.

But really, for us to be competitive in this game our defense has to set the tone and make Fiedler beat us, which means our corners have to stop Gadsden and Chambers, prevent the big play, don’t allow any 3rd and long conver....................................what the hell am I saying?

Last year our defense lacked killer instinct. In fact, last year it was less dangerous than Brentwood, and our cornerback situation is still questionable at best. Lyght and Davis have been so bad in the pre-season that there’s been a lot of talk from fans and media alike that we should play the younger cornerbacks and let them learn on the job. So, what is Marty waiting on? For them to break a hip? Frankly, starting the younger guys really doesn’t take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question for Marty is...................................who’s putting on your pants? It’s not like he has any qualms about benching or purging "experienced" players. For the last few weeks, he’s been cutting veterans right and left.........................hell, Anna Kournikova hasn’t lost as many first rounders as we have. Play the youngsters, let ‘em take their lumps and make a run next year.

Too sum up, I’m not sure if we can win this game, but I’m always optimistic. In 1983 I once bet $500 on the Generals to beat the Globetrotters..................................... I thought they were due. But in all honesty, I think the Lions winning this game has about the same chance of happening as Brook Burke handing me my pants and French kissing me goodnight.
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Old December 22nd, 2004, 05:17 PM   #20
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Sep 19, 2002 1:14 pm

Commentary – Week 3

Thirty-five years. Thirty-five years down the drain. That’s how long I’ve waited for this Lions franchise to turn it around. I feel like Bluto Blutarsky going for his doctorate.

And in those 35 years, I’ve seen a lot of weird shit. I’ve seen Michael Jackson go from being a black man to a white man to a white girl. I’ve seen a US president almost removed from office for using his cigar as a vaginal swab. I’ve seen white guys stuck at traffic lights singing to rap music. Hell, forget that. I’ve actually seen rap music become popular. I’ve seen a movie starring Kevin Costner win Best Picture. I’ve seen the rise of X-games where 15-year-old boys sterilize themselves on bike frames and stair rails. I’ve seen the fall of the Soviet Union, the Berlin Wall, and the World Trade Center. But I have never............NEVER...........seen the Lions in a Super Bowl.

In my 34th year of rooting for these sad sacks, I thought that finally the owners had had enough and were ready to make some bold moves to make this franchise a winner. So, they hired Matt Millen, the charismatic ex-announcer who was given huge dollars for a job he’d never done, and may never do again.

And, boy, the hopes were high. Matt came in and cleaned house like Tangina in Poltergeist. "I have ex-or-ciiiiiiiiiiiiiiized the demons! This house is clean." Veterans, first round draft picks, fan favorites, janitors, equipment boys..............didn’t matter. They all had to go. Too bad when the house was finally cleaned we found out Matt had dog crap on his shoe.

The hiring of Marty Mornhinweg turned out to be a reach at best. At worst, it was a decision rivaled by the TV executive who thought Cop Rock was worthy primetime viewing. As a huge fan of M&M’s, I was shocked when I found out that they really do melt in your hand. As an avid supporter of Matt and Marty, I was shocked when I found out they don’t have a freakin’ clue.

Matt’s free agency acquisitions are as difficult to comprehend as the almost unnatural pregnancy rate of women meteorologists working on the Weather Channel. My gawd, I watch the Weather Channel once every blue moon and every time I do there’s some knocked up sweetheart with her tummy blocking out all of Texas pointing to high pressure areas and cold fronts. "Do isobars make you horny, baby?"

Anyways.................and what exactly is Marty’s plan for our QB development? Bill Gates had a plan. Ghandi had a plan. Marty has a plan only Custer could love. Suicide by quarterback carousel. I’ve seen his interviews; I’ve read his quotes in the newspaper. And to be honest, I understood more English watching the Latin Grammy Awards last night. Have you ever noticed, when he talks, he always has those raised eyebrows like someone just shoved a Popsicle up his ass? Ummmmmmm...................not that I would know...........ummmmm..............what your eyebrows do when............................uh, never mind.

Let’s talk about our offense................well, OK................just pretend we have one. Hakim has hands that make David Sloan look like Fred Biletnikoff. And Bill Schroeder? I haven’t seen shorter arms since Jurassic Park II. "I'm supposed to throttle down and he's supposed to throw it to me in the hole." Yeah, whatever, Bill. What you really meant was, "I’m gonna throttle down when we’re getting our asses handed to us and a slant pattern is called where I’m about to get my freakin’ head knocked off." At least I could respect that answer.

Really, the only bright spots are Ricks and Anderson. Aveion Cason and Lamont Warren? Never in the course of football conflict has so little been done to so many by so few. Let’s put this in perspective. If President Bush goes down, we have Vice President Cheney ready to step in and preserve the government of the United States. Considering his pacemaker could short circuit at any moment, not exactly a great backup, but he is at least serviceable as long as the defibrillator isn’t very far away. If James Stewart goes down, we get our choice of the political equivalent of Dan Quayle or Admiral Stockdale.

And what about Stockar McDougal? He needed double-team help from Schlesinger to keep a rookie away from our quarterback. His head will be next on the chopping block followed fairly by Chris "Farley" Claiborne. Ross’ first round draft picks are proving to have the shelf life of an open jar of mayonnaise.

Ya know, I had hopes this season. I was blinded by the hyperbole, the spin, the.............I dunno.............the sheer fanatical desire of a die-hard homer that the Lions could turn it all around this season.

This just in from Lionshomer.com:

WE SUCK!!
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