Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[chemiclord]

Kansas, I can't laugh at your stuff anymore. I find myself getting depressed at the truth of it all instead.

[Kansas]

Kansas, I can't laugh at your stuff anymore. I find myself getting depressed at the truth of it all instead.

Sooooooo, you found truth in that post? If so, then I am very impressed with my powers of persuasion. Welcome aboard the Lions Super Bowl train, Chemi!

[Topweasel]

And TopWeasel exclaims "Finally!!! Someone understands!"

Wow! You have been on a roll with that all week. I never said the mummy was good owner. Or that promoting Meyhew was a good idea. What I did say was we are stuck with him for three years so there is no point on dwelling on whether or not he really orchestrated every move Millen was criticized for. I am willing to judge him based on moves he has made since he was promoted and I haven't seen anything really disappointing. I will be the first to critisize him if Stafford doesn't work out, or Pettigrew doesn't work out, or Schwartz doesn't work out.

But I like Schwartz as a coach and I originally would have rather had Rex Ryan. But watching both caps I think we may have gotten the better coach. Some people didn't like the draft but I think we got 3 starters and 4 heavy contributors, until they play or more importantly don't play I can't call them busts or the wrong pick like some people. I like the deals trading cuts or people who won't be around for anybody or anything. I like how this roster is constantly being tweaked.

I would still have rather we got Floyd Reese or someone like him, I am still not sold that Schwartz is the greatest coach we have ever gotten, I am still not sold that Stafford is our best QB since Layne, I am still not sold that we will ever win another game. But I see the upgrades and the moves as what they are, a move in the right direction. Maybe its not enough, maybe it backfires, we will see, I just don't feel its constructive dwell on the past.

[Panoptes]

The best slip of from you yet....

I just don't feel its constructive dwell on the past.

[Kansas]

Game 1 Preview: Lions @ Saints

Well they've done it to me again. Damn Lions. They've actually got me thinking that there is hope. And I don't mean for the future, I mean for this season. Damn Lions. But I get distracted by shiny things, and the......Oooo, look! Tin foil.......where was I?.........oh.......and the bitterness and contempt I have for the Lions have been temporarily thrust aside by our shiny new quarterback. I hate it when that happens. I mean, I have an intimate relationship with my contempt and bitterness. We are like a Shawn Merriman orgy. The only difference is that when my main squeeze, ridicule, is asked to join in it does not strip naked and run out in a jealous rage threatening to fuck someone else in my emotional posse, like, despair. Nope. It's never happened. In fact, ridicule strips naked and grabs the chocolate sauce and furry handcuffs. But for at least one game, I'm kicking those bitches to the curb and I'm going to romp with hope, optimism and blissful ignorance.

See, I've been doing some serious drinking thinking, and I don't see any reason why Stafford can't take us from worst to first this season. Poppycock you say? Well, for evidence I point to Stafford's blonde, bikini-clad girlfriend. Just from being with him she went from an A cup to Oh. My. Gawd I wanna touch 'em. If he can do that to titties just think what he can do for this football team. He actually may be the second coming. Giving chicks humongous honkers has got to be just as good as healing lepers. That's why they're going to win on Sunday. Yea verily didst Matthew walk down from the mountain and smite the mighty Saints, and it was brought to you by Budweiser for it was good.

Everybody's talking about how great Drew Brees is. Well, Drew Brees has nothing over Stafford. Sure, Brees threw for a billion yards last season, but I'll bet Brees didn't give his boyfriend a dick extension girlfriend big boobs. Plus, I don't even know if Brees has a girlfriend with that golfball-sized mole on his cheek. Who'd want to wake up with that lying on their stomach? Mikhail Gorbachev looks at Brees and goes, "Geezus Christ! What the fuck is that thing on his face?!?" That's why I think Brees throws for so many yards. Guys won't tackle him cuz they're afraid they'll catch moles. Those things are contagious. I caught moles from my college girlfriend. Or they may have been genital warts. Whatever. I guess what I'm saying is if you can make breasts grow just by your touch then it follows that you will be a Hall Of Fame NFL quarterback. I believe that is the transitive property but I'm not sure. Ask your math teacher, by which I mean Google.

Another reason we go from worst to first. Schwartz. I honestly believe this guy is going to be a great coach. He hired some excellent coordinators in Gunta and Linehan and, believe it or not, his daughter isn't banging either one of them. Even before he's coached his first game that makes him better than Marinelli. The other thing that makes him better than Marinelli is his red flag ability. Schwartz has already won more challenges than Marinelli did in his entire head coaching career. Was there anything worse than watching Marinelli reaching in his back pocket for that red flag while squinting up at the jumbotron like George Costanza spottin' mailboxes raccoons?

So there you have it. Stafford. Schwartz. Worst to first. It's got to happen this way cuz I'm one more 0-10 start away from owning 40 cats.

[DanO]

LOL. Good job Kansas.

GO LIONS "09" !!!!!!!!!

[-Deborah-]

haha. Sound logic, K.

[Deuce]

Game 1 Preview: Lions @ Saints

Well they've done it to me again. Damn Lions. They've actually got me thinking that there is hope. And I don't mean for the future, I mean for this season. Damn Lions. But I get distracted by shiny things, and the......Oooo, look! Tin foil.......where was I?.........oh.......and the bitterness and contempt I have for the Lions have been temporarily thrust aside by our shiny new quarterback. I hate it when that happens. I mean, I have an intimate relationship with my contempt and bitterness. We are like a Shawn Merriman orgy. The only difference is that when my main squeeze, ridicule, is asked to join in it does not strip naked and run out in a jealous rage threatening to fuck someone else in my emotional posse, like, despair. Nope. It's never happened. In fact, ridicule strips naked and grabs the chocolate sauce and furry handcuffs. But for at least one game, I'm kicking those bitches to the curb and I'm going to romp with hope, optimism and blissful ignorance.

See, I've been doing some serious drinking thinking, and I don't see any reason why Stafford can't take us from worst to first this season. Poppycock you say? Well, for evidence I point to Stafford's blonde, bikini-clad girlfriend. Just from being with him she went from an A cup to Oh. My. Gawd I wanna touch 'em. If he can do that to titties just think what he can do for this football team. He actually may be the second coming. Giving chicks humongous honkers has got to be just as good as healing lepers. That's why they're going to win on Sunday. Yea verily didst Matthew walk down from the mountain and smite the mighty Saints, and it was brought to you by Budweiser for it was good.

Everybody's talking about how great Drew Brees is. Well, Drew Brees has nothing over Stafford. Sure, Brees threw for a billion yards last season, but I'll bet Brees didn't give his boyfriend a dick extension girlfriend big boobs. Plus, I don't even know if Brees has a girlfriend with that golfball-sized mole on his cheek. Who'd want to wake up with that lying on their stomach? Mikhail Gorbachev looks at Brees and goes, "Geezus Christ! What the fuck is that thing on his face?!?" That's why I think Brees throws for so many yards. Guys won't tackle him cuz they're afraid they'll catch moles. Those things are contagious. I caught moles from my college girlfriend. Or they may have been genital warts. Whatever. I guess what I'm saying is if you can make breasts grow just by your touch then it follows that you will be a Hall Of Fame NFL quarterback. I believe that is the transitive property but I'm not sure. Ask your math teacher, by which I mean Google.

Another reason we go from worst to first. Schwartz. I honestly believe this guy is going to be a great coach. He hired some excellent coordinators in Gunta and Linehan and, believe it or not, his daughter isn't banging either one of them. Even before he's coached his first game that makes him better than Marinelli. The other thing that makes him better than Marinelli is his red flag ability. Schwartz has already won more challenges than Marinelli did in his entire head coaching career. Was there anything worse than watching Marinelli reaching in his back pocket for that red flag while squinting up at the jumbotron like George Costanza spottin' mailboxes raccoons?

So there you have it. Stafford. Schwartz. Worst to first. It's got to happen this way cuz I'm one more 0-10 start away from owning 40 cats.

The bolded part is gold.

[Coop]

kansaw already in mid season form...

[romster]

LOL Kansas! Very good...

[Sharkbait]

Well that's it. I am officially on the S&S bandwagon, or at least until 4:00 P M Eastern time, Sunday afternoon.

[Kansas]

I hate Brett Favre. Wait. Scratch that. That's a little harsh, so let me rephrase. I fucking HATE Brett Favre. There, that's much better. Ya know, the F-bomb, when used properly, is like adding another chick to your lovemaking. I'll bet.

Brett Favre must die. Nothing else matters. This Sunday, Gunther Cunningham has to call blitzes like he's drunk-dialing. Every down. I mean, his name is Gunther and he was born in Germany. He needs to pull on his jackboots, spit-shine his Iron Cross and blitz like he's storming the Polish border. What? You don't get the analogy? See, when World War II started the Germans invaded.......oh, never mind. For those of you who didn't pay attention in school and are also too lazy to Google it, I'll tell a dick joke later.

This Sunday, I don't care about the score. I don't care about Adrian Peterson. Hell, he'll get his 300 yards. A Lions game without a career day is rarer than a coyote running off with a Maltipoo. Peterson's going to get his yards, so go ahead and let him. I don't care.

But Favre? Dead man. I want him bleeding internally. Fuck that. I want him bleeding externally too. I want broken bones and a gurney on the field. I want distraught announcers reverently whispering if the gunslinger has finally slung his last....um.....gun.

I never again want to hear his lying, fake, hillbilly ass tell any more madeup stories about his crying 10-year-old daughter saying, "Daddy, I want you to win another Super Bowl. Boo hoo hoo. Oh, daddy!" Gawd. I just threw up a little. He was more believable as Cameron Diaz's boyfriend in "There's Something About Mary."

No. No more. No more, "But I jus wunna play. Sniff." Huh uh. If they don't kill him, I want that sumbitch paralyzed from the mouth down. Got that, Gunther? Foote? JP? Delmas? Sims? Oh. Not you Sims. Never mind. But the rest of you, I don't want Favre to retire from football, I want him to expire from football.

Oh. Almost forgot. My dick is huge.

[-Deborah-]

lol great dick joke. ;)

But you can't wish something so terrible and permanent on the guy. Even if he thinks his playing inspired the folks who suffered in Hurricane Katrina.

[THE STEE]

HE CAUSED HURRICAN KATRINA

[THE STEE]

opppps wrong thread